Chelsea Fagan

So many of my relationships in life — when I was more insecure, when I didn’t like myself, when I didn’t think I deserved much — have been about proving, over and over again, that I am okay.

“Cooking and re-organizing knick knacks all day seems like it actually might be pretty sweet.”

A pair of boots that keep your feet warm and comfortable in the winter without giving you that upside-down corn dog look of Uggs.

One should never look like they’re trying too hard, especially not when they’re in the midst of trying so hard they’re giving themselves an ulcer.

Regularly discussing all the things they want to do before they get with someone, such as travel or write a novel, because — as we all know — the freedom to enjoy oneself and explore life withers and dies the second you change that Facebook profile to “In A Relationship.”

Employing the word “soulmate” in casual conversation, as if that wasn’t the linguistic equivalent of coughing up glitter on someone in the middle of a sentence.

This veteran chlamydia hottie, who splits his time between follicle replacement therapy and banging his domestic help, is always a perennial choice for the STD hit.

Learn to accept the presence of tiny, gross face hairs sprinkled around your bathroom sink and counter. The boyfriend is offering them as a gift.

While they have a diverse range of interests, not one of their activities includes licking their hair off and vomiting small piles of fiber around your house.

Most employees made their real income by stealing items and re-selling them on eBay. Some stole for personal use, usually the younger employees who were just there as a student job and therefore didn’t need the money as badly, but everyone stole.

Eating your veggies first, then the rest of the things on your plate (so you’ll be less hungry for buttery mashed potatoes or BBQ pork).

That one stupid thing you said two years ago that has somehow become your favorite subject with which to torture yourself while trying to fall asleep. No one remembers it but you, no one cares, and you’re wasting your time over an imaginary problem.

If you look down your nose on this last-minute solution simply because it contains the word “toilet,” you are ruining your whole life.

Do you use porn?

There are certain relationships that are meant to dissolve into the time-space continuum behind you, and you should absolutely not feel bad about that.

Not twerking or shaking your ass in the club, because you have intellectual prowess and therefore no need for such base demonstrations of sexual value. Come on, you’re not a stripper.

When something really, really funny happens, and I immediately turn around to look at you with that “Oh my god, what??” face, even when you’re not there.

Regardless of whether or not anyone asked you to, you have within you an innate need to pack snacks for people and make sure that everyone is eating well. For any outing — movie theater, day at the park, road trip — you are well-prepared with your puppy chow, trail mix, or carrot sticks.