1. Not twerking or shaking your ass in the club, because you have intellectual prowess and therefore no need for such base demonstrations of sexual value. Come on, you’re not a stripper.
2. Actively looking down on women who do twerk or shake their ass in any capacity, because that means that they have nothing else to offer the world.
3. Not having time for such frivolities as skin care, or hair products — you are too busy reading books, thinking important thoughts, and looking pensively out your living room window.
4. Drinking tea, as everyone knows that coffee is the nectar of dead-behind-the-eyes extroverts, and tea is the balm of the misunderstood soul.
5. When it comes to going out, drinking whiskey. You have no time for the banality of a “vokka cran” or any of those fruity drinks that mask the alcohol taste for the weaker palates of Other Girls.
6. Hanging out mostly with guys, because women are “catty,” “bitches,” and “drama starters.”
7. Having a career that you perceive to be demanding and worthy, and which allows you to look down on women who you feel have made choices that are “degrading” or “taking us back 50 years.”
8. Not wearing makeup, because you are all about ~natural beauty~, and women who paint their faces are either doing so exclusively for male approval, or hiding who they really are inside because they don’t have enough self-love.
9. Dressing conservatively, because you don’t need to show off your body to be appreciated. You are not some fake whore.
10. Actively looking down on women who are sex workers or in the sex industry, because you know that if they really wanted to, they could be doing something good with their lives that you approve of.
11. Judging mothers for selling themselves short in order to live vicariously through their gross children. As we all know, the only life worth living is one that is centered on professional fulfillment and fills in the cracks with sporadic family time.
12. Making fun of the “attention whores” who post selfies or new profile pictures often in order to get validated from people who don’t actually care about them.
13. Putting a very high premium on the purity of your own sexuality, at the expense of all the women around you whose sexuality you perceive to be attacking yours. When they sleep around, you think, it’s a black mark on all of us that must be shamed.
14. Keeping tabs on the way your female friends are living their lives in a way you don’t with your male friends.
15. Not liking romantic comedies because, come on, they’re chick flicks — your sense of humor is way beyond that.
16. Making fun of other women for liking things you deem “shallow,” “stereotypically girly,” or “pointless.”
17. Reading a lot of books, because there is a high chance that if you are reading a lot of books, most other girls aren’t. This makes you different and, of course, superior to all the women who surely only invest in a Kindle to skim through 50 Shades.
18. Writing. Because it makes you complicated and interesting and nuanced.
19. Not going to the club, because that is where stupid girls who can’t offer anything else in society go to feel like they are worth something and bask in the attention.
20. Policing other women on what femininity means to them as, much like Highlander, there can only be One Perfect Definition Of Womanhood.
21. Being a virgin, but still giving blowjobs. I mean, you’re wife material, but you’re not a prude.