1. Poor restaurant etiquette.
Nothing exposes you as a low-quality potential mate quite like your behavior at the restaurant. Are you being shitty to the waiter? Treating him like your personal slave who doesn’t deserve to be looked in the eye? Are you complaining about your food, or drowning it in ketchup to mask the flavor? When the check comes, do you grab it and allow her to offer to pay for half (or all of it) and then decline like a ~*BaLLeR*~, or do you whip out your calculator like a flustered math professor (and not the sexy kind) to remind her that she ate 60 percent of the dessert? All of these are important indicators of who you will be as a potential boyfriend. And nearly every girl has sent a panicked “please get me out of this hellhole, I am deleting my OKCupid the second I get home” text mid-dinner, so there is a real chance that it was you. Once, a guy suggested that I pay for part of his cocktail because he gave me a few sips of it and mocked me for drinking vodka. This happened four years ago, and my girlfriends hear about it to this day.
2. Whack sex moves you clearly learned from porn.
I recently got a devastated text from a close girlfriend about a guy she had been seeing (and heavily crushing on) for a little while, who revealed himself to be a total clown in the bedroom. “He fingered me and it was like he was punching me in the crotch. And he kept asking me to tell him how good it was. I can’t even pee, everything hurts so much. Who even fingers anymore, WE ARE IN OUR MID 20S???” And this is tragic, yes, but what is more tragic is that it is not uncommon. Many a dude is walking around the world with untouchable confidence, sure that the horrifying sex moves he learned from porn are sure to get a girl screaming and running to tell her friends just how great it was. And he’s right, in that she’s talking to her friends, but it’s much more likely about how you thought jackrabbit sex was good because you saw Sasha Grey do it. (Also similar to Porn Sex Dude is Let’s Not Use A Condom Dude, who tries to spring it on you at the last minute like you’re suddenly not a reasonable adult. Like, no, you went to Burning Man last year and you work at a coffee shop that serves wine. You’re hot, but you def have HPV.)
3. Being underdressed when she clearly puts in effort.
I often feel a distinct pang of sadness when I see a girl out and about with her boi toi, where she looks like a flawless gem of sartorial judgment, and he looks like someone who works at a tech company and thinks that excuses him from having to try. (You know the look, a vaguely tight tee shirt counts as his “dressed up” moment, and his go-to winter look is a North Face.) And know that if you are the kind of guy who refers to men’s fashion as “gay” and doesn’t know how to tie a basic tie (or when to wear one), yet your girlfriend is always on point, you are being shit talked. And she’s probably lusting over that dude on her morning commute who is always in a flawless Paul Smith suit.
4. Opening with utterly tragic lines on dating apps/sites.
If you open with some shit like “OMG you must be a catfish because no one could be THAT sexy and funny ;),” know that it is being screencapped and shared with all her friends. And that she will never respond to you.
5. Shit-talking female celebs who wouldn’t let you clean the bottom of their Louboutins.
Is there anything sadder than a dude who feels the need to go off at the mouth about how trashy Jennifer Lawrence’s pics are, or how he would never touch Rihanna because she’s been with too many guys? Um, first of all, no one wants your mediocre opinion on these flawless women. Second of all, these women — if they were even confronted with you, which they wouldn’t be, because they are too busy smoking blunts with the Illuminati on a yacht off the coast of Sardinia — wouldn’t let you hold their umbrella in a thunderstorm. And by the way, if these perfect-10 millionaire goddesses with limitless resources and access to style are not good enough for you, what does that mean about your opinion of normal women? Ew.
6. Being extremely pressed via text message.
Everyone loves to feel like the other person is interested. But there is a big difference between “the occasional sexy/charming text to remind her that you’re thinking of her for no reason at all” and showering her with constant updates/questions to ensure that…??? Not sure what the goal here is, except maybe to secure the sex you are hoping to get that evening. In any case, if you are a frequent pressed-texter, you can guarantee that a gchat along the lines of “ugh he’s cute but he won’t stop asking me if I’m okay and liking my statuses three seconds after I post them” has been sent to her girlfriend. Sorry, I don’t make the rules. I just enforce them mercilessly in the name of justice.