1. The morning commute.
Are you into the Mad Men look? Are you all about that perfect level of corporate-acceptable hotness that hints at a diversified stock portfolio and reasonably-manscaped pubes? Well, get on the morning metro in the business district of your local Big City, because it is simply teeming with a thousand carbon copies of the Patrick Bateman type of your dreams. (Minus the murder, but perhaps plus an implication of the murder, if you’re into all of that terrible 50 Shades-style misguided S&M.) The Morning Commute Hottie is a quiet one, categorized only by his choice of newspaper for his daily read. Is he more of a Wall Street Journal bro, or a Village Voice stud? (Just kidding, no one with a job reads The Village Voice.) If you are interested in snaring one of these ubiquitious-yet-mysterious hotties, there is no better place than the happy hour at the financial district’s most neutral American-themed bar. He’ll be nursing a light beer and looking generally defeated — go propose unexplained oral sex followed by a shoe-shine. He’ll be too tired to resist.
2. A coffee shop.
This is the hideout for all those unemployed hotties with a lil’ bit of scruff and the kind of eyes which bore straight into your soul/vagina. They are looking for a heaving chest upon which to rest their weary soul, gnawed at by the unsuccessful job search and their parents’ increasing disbelief over the self-imposed job title of “freelance media consultant.” Though he may not be built like a Greek statue, what he lacks in muscle definition, he makes up for in feigned interest in reading your poetry. He is here to listen to exactly 4.5 minutes of your innermost hopes and dreams, at which point he expects to be repaid in tender, Bon Iver-esque sex. Also, please don’t make fun of his tattoo when he gets naked, he got it when he was drunk and 18 in Tijuana and as soon as he gets a little bit of money, he is headed to the laser removal clinic tout de suite.
3. Extremely rarely, on online dating websites.
Genuinely hot, desirable, not-batshit-insane guys on dating websites are the unicorns of the online world. You look at their profile with an unnerving mix of excitement and suspicion, unsure of how someone who is in possession of both a well-defined jawline and a reading comprehension superior to the 8th grade is finding themselves looking for romance on the internet. Generally speaking, these men are constructs of our overactive imaginations and a faulty few lines of code. If you actually happen to meet up with one in a real-life date, expect them to burst into a wisp of pink smoke before your very eyes as a cold, metallic voice echoes around you “You thought you would meet a decent guy on OkCupid, but you will die alone, crushed under the weight of your own cats!” followed by a cackle.
4. Gyms, but not really.
For every hottie you will spot at the gym — and they do abound, no doubt — your eyes will promptly be assaulted by a guy who has exceeded the limits of his human form and exists as a vaguely person-shaped cloud of uncomfortable grunts, protein powder, visible veins, and disdainful looks at people who are not equally muscular. Also, many of them tend to be every shade of creepy around women who invade their sweat-stalactite-dotted testosterone cavern of a muscle room, so they should really be avoided at all costs.
And I don’t mean that you will actually meet extremely good-looking men who spend their time updating their soft grunge image blog, because they don’t exist. (Don’t contradict me, hot male tumblogrs are a figment of your sweaty imagination.) I mean that Tumblr itself is literally an incoherent collection of everyone’s favorite hot guy in all of his myriad forms. Every attractive thing with a penis is there: in GIFs, in color-tinted photosets, in clips from that one semi-porn movie he did when he was trying to get his career off the ground where you can see half a ball. This can be amazing, when you want half-naked pictures of Matthew Goode. This can be unfortunate, when you realize that a decent crowd of people on that god-forsaken website who think that Benedict Cumberbatch qualifies as an attractive human being, and not a melting wax statue of whatever the real Benedict Cumberbatch looks like.
6. In relationships.
One day, you will experience the agony and the ecstasy of meeting the Hot Dude of Your Dreams who is only so happy to talk to you for a deceptively long amount of time, look meaningfully into your eyes, and connect with you on some spiritual astral plane tantric sex level, only to casually slip into the conversation something about their beloved girlfriend as though it wasn’t the verbal equivalent of shooting you with a sawed-off shotgun at point-blank range and then urinating on your steaming corpse. And that will be the worst day of your incurably thirsty life.