1. The person who is a perpetual student. This guy/gal is choo-chooing towards 30 with a brave little conductor hat on, still in the full swing of student life. They have, like, eight degrees by now and you’re pretty sure they either have a bottomless trust fund or are planning to commit suicide on graduation day to avoid their 6-digit student loan debt. Remains to be seen.
2. The girl whose life becomes a walking Pinterest board. This is the girl whose entire social presence will be Instagram photos of her DIY twinkly-light headboard, homemade cake pops, and calligraphy workbooks. Do something for her, and she will handwrite a thank-you note in perfect lettering. You will stare at that note, and her pictures of cake pops and vegan stir-fry and rooftop summer dinner party, and think of all the myriad levels of Martha Stewart-chic your pathetic life will never attain.
3. The person whose life is a party. This person will only be seen in Facebook pictures that seem like they were art directed by Terry Richardson. They are constantly going out to cool events, wearing clothes you cannot afford, and being good-looking enough to pull it all off. Their hobbies include cocaine and making you feel badly about yourself.
4. The person whose success makes you uncomfortable. This is the person who seems to have everything under control at an age where they should still be washing and re-using plastic utensils and occasionally waking up smelling of bong water. They have the job, the apartment, the refined interests, and the general aura of “look at how put together I am” that makes you want to give up on life and be a charming wino.
5. The person who gets married and falls off the planet. This is generally the couple who, when they are together, are nothing like the people they are when apart. Separately, these are two relatively chill people who were once good friends and involved community members — people we knew and loved. Together, they are antisocial hermits who, by all accounts, never leave their house except to stock up on essentials for their romantic Lost marathons and 72-hour-long cuddle sessions. You’ll never see them again.
6. The person whose life becomes their kid. Enjoy watching at least one person on your Facebook feed just become a picture of an ultrasound that talks about morning sickness. You can also watch as this person evolves, like Pregnatorp, the maternity Pokémon, into a picture of a spaghetti-covered toddler that talks about potty training.
7. The person who makes you feel old. Whatever this person is doing with their life, you no longer have the balls to do it. They’re quitting their job on a whim to go backpack through Asia. They’re dating gorgeous people they meet and ask out in the middle of the grocery store. They are always taking up sweet-looking new hobbies that are constantly providing them with sexy new friends. Meanwhile, the highlight of your week was takeout Chinese and a DVR’d episode of Intervention.
8. The person who never left your hometown. You’re probably right, person who never left my hometown, there is nothing sweeter than that mid-size, relatively conservative little ‘burb. It has all you’ll ever need. Well, there’s no PF Chang’s yet — but good comes to those who wait.
9. The guy who openly has no respect for women. And yet, this guy will get laid by an upsetting amount of them. You see, he’s good-looking, he’s funny, he’s charming and carefree — he’s also a totally chauvinistic asshat. He makes no bones about not caring for the women he hooks up with (women who quite often end up caring about him deeply), and is highly likely to have a well-done tattoo somewhere on his torso.
10. The coworker who makes your life unnecessarily difficult. They will always be better than you. They will come earlier, stay later, make more money, be better liked by your boss, and do it all with a smile. If spending life in prison for murder isn’t your thing, you’re just going to have to live with them. I recommend putting a picture of them with a shit-eating grin on your wall, poster-size, and work out in front of it every morning while the Rocky theme plays.
11. The person who makes you feel young. Yeah, this person has just moved onto adult things. They are starting families, and buying houses, and finding real meaning that you couldn’t possibly understand — but, oh!, they wish all of these things for you. One day you’ll find it, of course. They believe in you. Oh, hold on, they have to take this important call real quick. Shh.
12. The social networker. This person puts hashtags in Facebook statuses, and should therefore be sent out to live on an internet-free compound somewhere pretty out in the mountains where they can no longer hurt themselves or anyone else with their statuses about how they’re “Going to #London to get some #FishAndChips! #Yum”
13. The person whose lifestyle makes no financial sense. You know they are not making that much money. I mean, like, you don’t know know, but come on. There is no way they are bankrolling the kind of lush day-to-day they’re living without at least a moderate meth cook going on in their RV.
14. The person who breaks your heart. This person is someone who, despite all of your efforts to the contrary, will never be completely forgotten. They may lie dormant for extended periods of time, but one day you’ll see their name somewhere, or their picture, or maybe just something that reminds you of them — and you’ll get that little stomach-drop that says, “Yes, I’m still here.”
15. The person you forgot existed. Perhaps the perfect opposition to the one who breaks your heart, there will be the person you dated who you literally erased from your memory without even trying. One day you’re just going to be doing something innocuous — eating Cheetos or browsing kitten videos on YouTube — and you’re going to be like “Holy shit I had sex with that person. Weird.” And it won’t be good or bad, only weird.
16. The person you meet in a bar and promise to be BFF with, but never call again. Yeah, I like to imagine all of these people just go off and live on some beautiful pasture eating good food and drinking fine wine. They deserve nothing but the best, those temporary bar friends.
17. The people your parents actually are. One day, you’ll suddenly be like, “Oh, my God. Now that they no longer have the power to ground me and I have the power to get drunk with them, parents are pretty sweet!” It’ll be sweet.
18. The shitty roommate. Whether they’re having loud sexfights with their significant other, leaving dirty dishes in the sink for days on end, or playing their terrible music at top volume at all hours of the night — Shitty Roommate is here to turn your life into the world’s least-funny sitcom! Enjoy!
19. The awesome roommate. It’s like having the perfect drinking buddy, confidant, and partner-in-crime constantly at your disposal and within an arm’s reach! Just don’t have sex with them, as that will ruin everything forever.
20. The version of yourself where you find yourself in a home supplies store at 11 AM on a Saturday and you’re not the least bit hungover and you’re trying to pick out which stemware goes best with your plates but is also durable enough for the dishwasher. Happens to the best of us.