Charlie Shaw

Their sneaky silent farts.

He gave me a picture of “him.” It was an old pic of him and his ex cut in half. He cut it right in front of me and put the other half back in his drawer.

Luckily at this point, he identified himself as a police officer and showed me a badge. I had delivered pizza into the middle of a drug raid!

It was Halloween so everyone was in costume. This one dude was dressed as jack sparrow. Cops come in and the guy, who was super hammered at this point stands right next to an open window and says “you’ll always remember this as the day you almost caught jack sparrow,” proceeds to jump out the second story window and break his leg.

Danish teacher here. A 1st grader came up to me, looked my straight in my eyes and said nothing for ten seconds. Then she spoke, telling me how she wished the “blood red pigeons from the lake would come to take her away.”

Calling the teacher mom by accident was easily the most awkward. All the other kids look at you like you just shit yourself, meanwhile the teacher is at a loss of words.

A new mother wanted her boyfriend’s name tattooed on the chest of her 5-month-old son.

I work at a recycling center and just the other day someone threw a dead cat into the cardboard shredder.

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In WWII the majority of American spies were captured in Europe due to their table manners. Unsure if that’s a real thing, but it’s what my European grandfather told me.

Taylor Swift came to a cafe in Nashville that my friend worked in. My friend served her and she was, of course, incredibly high maintenance. Before she left, she said, “Who should I make your tip out to?” My friend was confused, then realized that Taylor was leaving her an autographed photo as a tip.

I read AP exams in the past. Most memorable was an exam book with $5 taped to the page inside and the essay just said, “Please, have mercy.”

Just because we find other women attractive, it doesn’t mean we find you any less attractive or would leave you for a stranger that passes by.

I was putting my son to bed when he was about 5, and after the bedtime story, right when I was tucking him in and turning out the light, he said “Nipples. I love ’em. What about you?” with this totally serious expression.

“She will hopefully go to the store” means she will go to the store, full of hope. NOT that we hope she will go to the store.

“I’m friends with all my exes, but I hate other girls. Ugh!”

The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.

He got freaked out when they started dumping fuel. Then they started a slow turn around. Not many passengers noticed the fuel, but most noticed the turn. He was mentally preparing to find out if the plane was being hijacked.

This was the morning (US Eastern time) of September 11, 2001.