Are you one of those girls? You know what kind of girl I’m talking about.
Are you the one of those girls who gives and gives and expects to get in return? Do you offer your kindness without expectation because it’s the right thing to do?
Do you give because it feels right and natural and you don’t know how to be any other way? Do you give your heart before someone earns it?
Do you open up the depths of your soul to those who have not earned the right?
Are you one of those girls who wonders when the day will come that all that giving will pay off and someone might actually decide to give back to you?
Do you wait for the moment when someone says, “You’re the most amazing thing that’s ever happened to me and I don’t deserve you.”?
Yeah? Me too. I’m still waiting.
But, I’m here to tell you that all of that giving gets you nothing and in fact it gets you worse than nothing.
Giving without getting becomes a huge void and an unfillable emptiness in your heart. It becomes a longing for something that you’re probably never going to get because you keep giving too much to the wrong person.
So, stop already.
If it were only so easy to just stop then I’m sure we would. We’d pack up our little bag of gifts and go about our merry way and find someone deserving.
I’m here to tell you it isn’t so simple. The question is why do we give so much? Where does this unrelenting need come from?
Do you give because you don’t value yourself enough? Is it because you were taught that way growing up? Do you expect others to treat you with the same respect you treat them? Do you give because it brings a little peace and joy to your heart to make someone else’s day a little easier?
Maybe it’s a little bit of all those things. But, do the reasons really matter? I don’t think so.
What matters is how you feel when you give and give and get nothing.
You feel that you are undervalued, underappreciated and taken for granted. You know it in your heart. You feel it in your soul.
You feel empty. You feel unloved.
Yet, you can’t stop already.
Why Do We Do This?
Why do we allow ourselves to give and get nothing in return?
Why do we continue to make excuses for bad behavior? Why do you pretend everything is okay and say to ourselves, “he’s just busy, or tired, or stressed” when he doesn’t text when he should or when he blows off an important phone call to go out with his friends?
Why do we continue to think if we did something “right” or “better” things would be different? Why do we think there is something wrong with us than just realizing we picked someone who is emotionally unavailable?
Why do we spend years of our lives getting less than we deserve?
For me, it’s been too many. I’ve spent too many years. I’m at maximum capacity and I’m running out of F**cks to give.
I’ll relate a valuable lesson my meditation teacher taught me.
Whenever I’m worried about my relationship or about him or what he is doing or where things are going or the circle of thoughts that spin around in my head I have to stop and say:
“Who Am I”?
“What Do I Want”?
“What Do I Need”?
Saying these phrases reminds me to center myself. You need to be the center of your world-not him.
Being the center of your own world and making your needs a priority is not mean or selfish or rude, even if it feels that way. Being the center of your own world is the healthiest thing you can do to bring someone who values you into your life.
Because, the one who values you will be there for you even when you have a bad day or you cry too much or you feel things intensely.
The one who values you will never make you feel less than or make you believe that your feelings are ridiculous or invalid.
The problem with all of this is that you can’t find the one who values you until you value yourself.
Remember: Who are YOU? What do YOU want? What do YOU need?
I’m not saying this is easy or natural or even possible all the time. Trust me, I get it.
I only know that anytime you focus on a man and what he needs or what he wants you lose. You lose yourself, your esteem, your worth and most of all you eventually lose your sanity.
So, no matter how hard it is, you have to try harder. Try not to be that girl that gives too much and gets nothing in return.