If you knew how desperately I’ve been grappling with this lately, you’d probably call me up and make plans to sit me down for coffee and promptly smack some sense into me. You’d probably say, but Brianna, you tell everybody else to do these things, and for some reason, you can’t yourself. You’re a hypocrite. To that, I would say: yup.
A friend of mine put it to me this way: in every other aspect of my life, I can live out my truth pretty well. When it comes to my love life, I more or less cower like a dog with it’s tail between it’s legs. I don’t know why I can’t just live out what I know is true. My favorite author, Cheryl Strayed, claims that to be how you’re most honest with yourself.
I couldn’t agree more. I know what I have to do, and I know what the right thing is to do, but dear God I am so afraid to take the leap. Living out your truth means utter vulnerability. You are acting on what is most deeply embedded inside of you. To have people not accept these things, or to be rejected for these things, it’s just devastating.
But you know what else is devastating? Living a life you don’t really want to because you never had the guts to live your truth. What I mean by “your truth” is what you know to be what you most want to do. The person (or people!) you most want to love. The things that cut you open and ignite your nerves and can send you over the edge but you keep going back because you know, despite everything, that this is what’s meant for you.
If nothing else, the reason to do it is this: the truth inside you will win out eventually. Or it will drive you mad. Your truth isn’t a passing thought or feeling that will just dissipate one day. You won’t get over what’s really meant for you. You will only ever become more and more aware that you’re denying yourself the greatest joy in fear of the possibly greatest disappointment. I can’t believe I’m throwing this quote in here, but I can’t think of anything that sums it up better: “the brave may not live forever, but the cautious don’t live at all.”