I used to hate you when I had no reason to. I hated you because you became the new me.
You filled the void I left in his heart. You took my place in his life. You were lying next to him in bed and receiving his hand written love notes. You were holding his hand on long drives down the back roads. You were standing in his kitchen talking to his family, laughing with them over dinner. You were running through the woods with his dog.
You were everything I once was, maybe even more.
You might not have replaced me completely, but he’s not alone.
I told myself you weren’t as pretty as me. I told myself you weren’t as good for him as I was. I told myself you weren’t capable of loving him like I did. I told myself everything I could think of to try to make myself feel better about losing him to you. I said every horrible thing I could think of because somehow I felt that was going to make me feel better, even though I knew it wasn’t going to change anything. I placed bets with my friends on how long your rebound would last.
Because that’s what it was right? It was just a rebound.
We just broke up, how could he possibly love you? Maybe not love, but how could he kiss you? How could he talk to you the way he talked to me?
Learning your strengths and weaknesses? Learning what keeps you up at night and what makes your heart ache?
How could he do that?
I couldn’t move from bed. I couldn’t eat dinner. I couldn’t look at my family in the face. I didn’t want to be around anyone. I didn’t want to do anything.
I hated myself for breaking up with him because he went to you. He turned to you in a time when I would have turned to him.
He turned to you over our evaporating love story. I know he did, because I was that girl for him when he broke up with the girl he loved before he loved me.
I hated myself for that. I hated myself for doing that to his ex before me. Now I understand the misery she must have been feeling when she started seeing pictures of him and I together. When she started hearing my name associated with his because now I’m at the other end of the spectrum now.
Life has an interesting, twisted way of putting us through the epitome of karma; of showing us the hurt we put unto others will soon enough be the pain inflicted unto ourselves.
I think I started hating him for that. How could he do that again? He went from his ex, to me, to you almost as if it was a continuous chain reaction. He went one to the other, with no time to live life on his own, to figure out what he really needed.
Now time has passed. My wounds aren’t as deep; they’ve merely healed themselves completely over time. I don’t hate you anymore, I don’t think you’re ugly and I don’t think I’m better for him than you.
Because I’m not.
I’m not the same girl he fell in love with anymore.
I hope you love him, because one of us has to and I’m too far gone for him now.