12 Types Of Drunk People You’ll Meet At College Parties

22 Jump Street
22 Jump Street

1. The Diplomat

You’ll find this drunk trying to mend broken relationships between quarreling couples or talking people down from metaphorical ledges (maybe even a few real ones). Alcohol only strengthens their true nature, a desire to mediate any and all issues. A fight about to break out? The diplomat is always charismatically stepping in, “Okay, hold on. Let’s all take a step back and talk.”

2. The Disappearing Act

They evaporate within minutes of getting to a party. You could have sworn they were just next to you! Chatting, drunkenly swaying to Trap Queen. But suddenly they go all Houdini and nobody sees them the rest of the night.

3. The Incredible Hulk

A lot of grunting, not the best conversationalist. They pound back tequila shots and everybody gets a little uneasy. This is the ticking time bomb, liable to explode at any second. Hulk Drunk. HULK ANGRY!!!!!

4. The Social Butterfly

They know every single person at the party. Seriously. A Taylor Swift, somehow friends with every human. Ever. And even if they don’t know someone, they will quickly become friends and do multiple shots together.

5. The Buffy The Vampire Slayer

This is that badass, scrappy girl who appears out of nowhere to have your back. She’d be the one to call out misogyny in the middle of the party, lifting her red solo cup in the air, a modern day Joan of Arc. And don’t let her small frame fool you, she could easily kick the ass of any dude there.

6. The Ultimate Bro

He gets shitfaced at Stagecoach each year. And at parties, he’s the one constantly suggesting a game of beer pong. Constantly. He likes Jason Aldean. Or possibly EDM. He can’t specify any EDM artist just “EDM.”

7. The Brooding One

They kind of just lurk in the back, slowly sipping from their cup or smoking a cigarette on the patio. They’ll probably discuss Bukowski if you bring it up. On The Road is their bible and they have a Tumblr of writing they keep anonymous for “artistic privacy.” The more they drink though, the more apt they are to read you posts from their secret Tumblr.

8. The Grey’s Anatomy Episode

He/she will not stop crying. Nobody can even pinpoint the source of tears, it seems to be about everything. It runs the gamut from ex lover turmoil to just crying because the party ran out of Fireball. They don’t discriminate.

9. The One Nobody Knows

Honestly, where did this person come from? Who are they? Why do they keep trying to DJ? YOU DON’T EVEN GO HERE.

10. The Karaoke Advocate

“Let’s go find a karaoke spot!!!” – the chanting you’ll hear from them every two seconds. You try to explain it’s a dorm/house/apartment party and nobody is leaving to do karaoke. But like some human version of Dory from Finding Nemo, the information doesn’t seem to sink in and they just keep asking. “Oh my god, you know what would be soooOoOoOoo fun?!? KARAOKE!”

11. The Drake

Drake’s most popular brand: horny and kind of lonely. They roam around the party looking for a hook up disguised as “true love.” No. Drake. You’re just looking to get your dick wet. C’mon. Way, way up.

12. The New Best Friend

Somewhere after the first, second, and third round of drinks, this person has become your new BFF and you kind of don’t know how you’ve lived without them forever. You make plans to get brunch the next day. If you follow through and actually still like them, you probably did find a true friend for life. TC mark

Ari Eastman

✨ real(ly not) chill. poet. writer. mental health activist. mama shark. ✨

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