9 Hard Truths I Learned From Screwing A Random Dude

Last spring I split up with my long-term boyfriend, and embarked on journey of debauchery and shame over the summer. Filth was the name I gave to my first proper one-night stand (for obvious reasons), and he certainly changed my entire outlook on life, sex and the universe. I was pretty clueless before him (to be fair, I’m still pretty clueless), but here are some of the life lessons I learnt from Filth.

1. Delivering crazed, feminist rants before sex is not very good foreplay.

To be fair, I’m still trying to work on this one. I can’t seem to get in the mood until I have spouted at least forty-five minutes of crazy at whoever my unlucky lad of the evening is. These speeches I insist on delivering usually cover some/all of the following topics: a brief history of all previous relationships; my insistence on how and why we will not be having sex; the path of self-discovery I feel I am currently on; my love for Caitlin Moran; various feminist issues past and present, and the pressures that society places on young women these days; my dissertation topic, and uni work in general; my dreams of becoming a writer and using my dreams of being a writer as an excuse for all bad decisions; how much alcohol/drugs I have/haven’t consumed; yolo.

2. Just because a boy says he is going to call you, doesn’t mean he is going to call you.

I genuinely thought that the whole “I’ll call you” but never actually calls thing that is apparently very common after one-night stands, was just a myth. A myth invented in sitcoms and movies when the script writers were running low on ideas. Turns out though that this happens in real life. Just because he says he is going to call, doesn’t mean he is going to call. In fact, he probably will definitely not call. Especially when he says this and you’re all like “but you don’t have my number” and he’s all like “no, I do. I got it off your friend last night” and you believe him even though you’re secretly aware you weren’t out with any friends last night.

3. No great romance ever started with anal sex.

This one seems pretty obvious, but apparently not to me. I learnt the painful way.

4. If you’re going to give a boy a nick-name, don’t make it the same as the summer’s biggest blockbuster movie

Seriously, fuck you James McAvoy. Just when I thought I was getting over the whole Filth situation – boom! Filth posters in my face. Cinema just seemed determined to be a reminder of broken and slutty heart this summer. So, if you ever have a one night stand with someone and it goes tits up and you and your friends decide to give the boy a nickname so you don’t have to ever utter his name again, remember to check up-coming film releases in case you get bombarded with billboards with his name on it for the rest of the year.

5. Don’t iron his work clothes in the morning

Have some pride, girlfriend. Don’t make him coffee and bring it to bed either. He’s an asshole and you seem pretty pathetic just now. Please try and be cool.

6. Don’t add him on Facebook hours later.

I still have a very bad habit of doing this. I’m sorry, I’m just curious and like to keep up with what everyone’s doing. Also, don’t try and add all his mates too. And above all, if he rejects your Facebook request:

7. Do NOT send him a weird-ass tweet.

“@Filth follow me back fsfsfsfsfsfs” might seem casual, fun and flirty in your head, but remember your head is not okay. You are crazy and that tweet has alerted the rest of social media of your insanity. You will be blocked, and when you are blocked:

8. Do NOT chase him down the street shouting “you blocked me on Twitter”.

Admittedly, this is not my proudest moment. In my defence, a lot of tequila had been consumed and I had not expected to see him so my brain just kind of splattered across the pavement along with a lot of word vomit.

And the most important and valuable life lesson that Filth taught me:

9.     Do not believe a word that anyone says in bed.

Everyone, including you, says things they do not, and never will, mean in bed. Sweet nothings and false promises are standard bedroom talk. Some of things said will be true, but only true in that exact moment, and the thought behind those spoken sentences has already long since faded by the time the sun rises. Do not let yourself fall for anything said in the bedroom, or it will crush you. TC mark

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