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Cataloged in Love

Read This When You Can’t Stop Thinking About Him

Without a warning, the thought of him enters your brain and stays there day and night. Everywhere you look, you see his name printed in capital letters. You try to remember the last time you felt this dizzy and conflicted and torn. You close your eyes and embrace the silence around you, hoping to understand your emotions. And it’s somehow working. You’re starting to figure out why you suddenly can’t stop thinking about him.

“This isn’t love yet,” you tell yourself. But it’s a little close to that. You’re few moments away from tearing your walls down. The logical part of you is slowly disappearing. And you’re acting like a kid again. You catch yourself smiling for no reason at all. You rest your chin above your hands, unconsciously daydreaming.

“How did this happen?” you ask yourself. You look back on the day you first met, when he shook your hand, when you first heard him speak. Maybe his touch melted the coldness in your heart and you weren’t aware of it at that time. Maybe when he seated inches from you, he was throwing signs that he was interested in getting to know you. Or maybe when you complimented him for his gesture, the universe decided that both of you could be a thing.

You wish there’s an easy way to describe what you’re feeling right now. You wish you can walk straight up to him and tell him how often you’ve been thinking about him lately. But that will be risky. You’re not bold enough to make that big move. You’re scared that you’ll only subject yourself to humiliation. So you choose to sit in the quietness of your room, searching for clues and meanings that will convince you that he’s also into you.

There’s a huge possibility of being in a relationship with him — you know that. But your bad experiences in the past weakens your confidence of meeting him in the middle. You have so many what ifs. There are hundreds of questions swarming your brain at this point. Your gut encourages you to look for more proof, to give yourself more time. The deeper you try to find answers, the more confused you get.

The truth is, you’re scared. You don’t want to gamble. You have become so good at being alone. You have found a home in your own body. And you’re convinced that you don’t need anyone else. The peace that resides within you is threatened by a potential love story and you don’t know how to handle the issue properly. It’s hard to let someone in when you’ve been used to ignoring knocks on your door. It’s hard to let someone help you be warm when you’ve been comfortable being cold for so long.

You want to give love a try but only if there’s a guarantee. You want to give him a chance but only if he expressly asks you out. For the meantime, you’ll play it safe. You won’t dip a toe in the water. You’ll take a rain check. You’ll stay where you are until it’s crystal clear that he won’t hurt you. That he won’t turn out to be the guy who will break your heart.

This is how you protect yourself because you’ve learned your lesson. You’ve realized over time that love is supposed to be transparent. You’ve sworn to yourself that you will only share your soul with a guy who will be brave enough to tell you that they like you. A guy who will never make you feel doubtful. You’ve grown to be more careful about entrusting your heart with someone else.

What you feel toward him isn’t love yet, but you’re positive that it can be. The fact that you think about him once in a while means he’s beginning to become an important person to you. It’s a sign that he can be the one you’ve been waiting for. That maybe there’s a future with him and you don’t have to worry about waking up to an empty bed anymore. You need not to be afraid of trusting someone again.

A pang of guilt hits your stomach because you’re not sure if constantly thinking about him is healthy. You’re not sure if making him a major part of your life is necessary. But whatever happens, whether you end up in a relationship with him or not, you know that you can go back in your old ways. In time, you can forget everything about him. You can continue thriving in this world and believing that you will be just fine on your own. TC mark

Angelo Caerlang

Angelo Caerlang is the author of Sparks in Broken Lights.

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