I admit that some nights, when I sit in the corner of my bed, I attempt to revisit the world that we created, the life that we shared, and the moments that we made. I play different scenarios in my mind, and I wonder if in another universe or in another lifetime, we would still be together. I try to picture myself staring at you from a distance, with a tight smile fixated on my lips. I imagine myself feeling lighthearted by just having you around me all the time.
I close my eyes and try to remember the sound of your voice, and the way you called my name. I dig deep down in my memory and search for the details of your face. I allow myself to recall how it used to make my adrenaline go wild, and how you used to make me feel lucky that I was alive.
But as I open my eyes and be greeted by the silence that surrounds me, I am reminded that you’re no longer mine. I have no right to call you as my own. Because now you are with someone else. Now you are leading a life far different from mine.
And I wish it would only takes few days or few weeks for me to completely detach myself from you, from your influence. I wish that I could simply declare to myself that I’m over you, and my heart would be ready to take a risk again. But it’s not that easy.
I can’t just erase you from my memory. I can’t delete your number, your pictures, your connection from my stubborn heart. And I’m not sure if I want remove you from my life at all.
Because you were once important to me. My world used to revolve around you. I clung to you as my only source of happiness. I looked up at you when I badly needed an inspiration. I loved you the same way that I love the things that are important to me.
But now that you’re gone. Now that I’m certain you’re not coming back to me, I have to slowly pull myself away from you, away from the thought of you. I have to be brave enough to accept that there’s no more us, no more you and me, no more happy endings. I need to give up the temptation of calling you in the middle of the night, during the surge of my loneliness.
I owe it to myself to have a fresh start, and move on.
There is no point in dragging myself backwards and living in the past. I need to begin looking for ways to be happy, even without a significant other. I need to begin falling in love with my life.
I want to watch the sunset without feeling like something is missing in my heart. I want to feel comfortable every time I spend my time alone. And I like to be able to roam around the world with no insecurity about the things that I don’t have.
Letting you go takes a lot of patience and endurance, but I know that it’s the right thing to do.
I don’t want to waste my prime years wishing I could bring back the time. I have to find the courage to believe that life will give me better memories, and better experiences.
I have to learn how to be okay with endings, how to smile as a chapter of my life closes, and how to let people go.
Because if I want to live a life with no baggage, I have to set you free. If I don’t want to let my failures in the past affect my present, I have to stop looking back. I have to be focused, and be thankful, for the things that I have in my life right now.
I need to commit myself into believing that you’re not meant to stay in my life. And try to be okay with it.