I’m not really slutty. In fact, my desire for emotional connection makes it hard for me to shut it down and just have random casual sex with someone.
If you know me, you know I have no issues with the word “slut.” Sluttiness is empowering, if that is indeed what you choose to be. (Not being a slut is also empowering if that’s what you want.)
Before my two long-term relationships in my 20s, I was a big slut. I had sex with more guys than I can count, and I can’t remember most of them, honestly. Even in the 1-year lull between B. and M., I had a couple of dalliances. But in any case, I had a lot of sex with a lot of men… but I did it for the wrong reasons.
Older and wiser, I can see the girl who used to be bullied in high school who now found herself wanted and desired by all the men… and drowning in the attention. I can see the girl longing for acceptance and connection, longing for love, and trying to find it in all the wrong places. I imagine it’s a phase that a lot of women go through: suddenly desirable, they don’t know how to cope with the whirlwind of feelings sexual attention gives them. Without the maturity to see the difference between a thirsty dude and a guy who really wants to date you, so many of us just become easy sex objects passed around communities.
I know, because that’s what happened to me.
But now I’m at least a decade older, about 60 pounds heavier, and much, much wiser.
And yet, sometimes, I still wish I was sluttier. I wish I could sometimes just go around having semi-anonymous sex with Tinder matches. I wish my expectations of respect and connection weren’t so high that I had to spend horny nights alone. I wish I didn’t wish to have sex with people I can actually get along with.
Because otherwise, what does it mean?
I wrote about this before—it was actually one of my first posts on my blog.
I still feel the same eight months later, except that I admit that I’m sometimes frustrated with this whole state of affairs. How can I wish I was sluttier? Why is it that I sometimes want to do away with all the emotional stuff and just get laid?
Interestingly, I’m not a shallow person. I’m actually the opposite of shallow. I get deeply annoyed with hot guys who believe that their hotness is enough to get women interested in them. I don’t consider myself hot (attractive yes, hot no), and I rely on other things to keep my dating life sizzling. I have no trouble getting men to fall in love with me (no, it’s not as evil as this sounds. It’s just… the way things are).
But, for the life of me, I can’t get myself to just fuck a dude.
And sometimes I wish I could. I so wish I could. Sometimes all I’m craving is some stunt dick to fill me up. I don’t want to care about who he is, what he does, what he’s like. I just want to get fucked and then for him to leave me alone. No emotional messiness or labour for me. Just simple animal attraction and satisfaction. (Now that I’m sterile, this is a lot less risky for me, aside from STIs.)
And yet, I can’t bring myself to do it. I’ve had a few potential matches that I just blocked or unmatched because I got annoyed at their thirstiness. I literally can’t bring myself to treat them like the sex object they’re treating ME as. I’m not sure whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing… I’m just a bit despondent at my inability to shut off my standards and expectations, just once in a while, so I can just enjoy the physical presence of a hot guy.
I know that I’m allowed to want to just get laid. I know that it’s okay for a woman to want lots of casual sex. I know that nobody in my close circle would mind or judge me for it.
And yet I just can’t.