I think somewhere deep inside of me, I knew that we were always destined to be doomed. There were too many variables that were against us for it to work out. We were too insecure. Too afraid. Too filled with self-doubt to know if we were going to be able to make this work. While I fell in love with you so fast it made my head spin, you were always one step back trying to get away from me.
So I pressed on. I pressed on to try and make something out of nothing to prove to myself that my love is strong enough to persevere through all of the hardships. So when this failed and I had to look at the damaged pieces of a relationship I had worked so hard for, I fell apart. I fell apart because knowing that I won’t be able to love you the way I did before was too much for my heart to take.
Falling in love with you will never be a regret of mine. Falling in love with you and not using a safety net will also never be something I would change. In meeting you, in loving you, I found pieces of myself I needed to get to know again. While I did all the hard work to repair myself, you were my biggest cheerleader, urging me down the right path.
Maybe it’s because you admired my way of being able to admit my demons. Maybe it gave you the strength to look at your own. Or maybe it just destroyed you in the process because you realized how truly painful those deep seeded insecurities were. Whatever the case may be, you made the decision to walk away.
You made the decision to leave me holding an empty bag, wondering what the fuck I did to make you run as fast as you did.
I learned long ago that when you fall in love, you don’t just stop the moment they walk away. I have been able to fall in love a few times in this life and each time has been more real and deeper than the last. Maybe my path is to continue to fall for people until I get to the one that I’m supposed to actually be with. Maybe I am supposed to feel pain because the payoff of that one true love is going to be so incredible, it’ll make everything else worth it.
Maybe I have a naïve heart though. I might not be learning a lesson that I so fully need to learn before I can move onto the stage of my life where love will come and love will stay. Forever this time.
Six months ago, if this had happened, if you had left without even a second glance, I would have been so broken that it would be unfixable. So while right now I am in pieces, I know that it will only be a matter of time till I repair this and move on. It might take a while, but I will eventually be OK. I have learned from you that being in love is always worth the risk even if it doesn’t work out.
While you have been incredibly painful, I am also grateful. You have shown me that my heart is resilient. That my heart will get me through even the toughest of times. Maybe it will be a little bruised and battered after this one, but it will prevail.
I love you but I also know that in letting you go I will be able to love me.