Are you afraid to be happy?
It was a simple question with a simple answer. Of course I wasn’t afraid to be happy. Everyone in this world is fighting to find their forever happiness. But as the question started to seep into my brain and I looked at the source of the question, someone I loved more than anything, I realized it was valid.
And the more it simmered the more I started to realize that maybe I am scared of happiness.
I guess it’s because we’re taught to look for the next best thing. So as soon as anything feels like settling to me something internally starts to make me panic. It makes me panic so much that I start to self-sabotage. And it sounds dumb. It sounds so dumb that I allow myself to ruin my own happiness but I do it daily. I do it so much that my own friends feel like they’re watching a car crash they can’t intervene to stop.
I know many people who are happy. They’re content. And I envy them. I am jealous of their happiness. But mostly I’m jealous that they can feel true and unadulterated happiness. The kind that makes you feel like you’re walking on air. And they let themselves be loved. Because even though I love people and tell them I love them on a regular basis, receiving love isn’t something I’m good at.
Being afraid to be happy sounds stupid. It sounds like something I’m actively fighting against. It sounds like I’m a big coward who isn’t willing to let themselves feel content. Someone who constantly has to keep moving because as soon as the mundane sets in is when the depression gets kicked into over drive.
Maybe it’s because I’m craving something more for my life. Maybe.
But really it’s because I am a coward. I’m too much of a coward to tell someone I love them. I’m too much of a coward leave a situation I hate. I’m too much of a coward to start over one more time. I’m too much of a coward to admit to failure yet again.
Because if I’m being honest, truly honest, I am completely and utterly terrified to be happy.
I am so scared of someone actually loving me back. I’m scared that I’ll wake up every day excited to start my day. I’m scared I’ll look in the mirror and love the person staring back at me. And that doesn’t make sense. Why that would scare me. But it does. It is a complete horror film to me that one day I could actually be happy.
What does happy even mean anymore? Is it love? Is it passion? Is it money? Is it all three rolled into one?
What it truly boils down to is my inability to see what I’m worth. And that’s the scariest sentence I’ve ever put into the universe. I am completely unsure of what I’m worth anymore. Because when I was a kid I was reminded I wasn’t good enough. My first love told me I was only good for one thing. And that was a sentiment that was repeated relationship after relationship. It’s been hammered into my head when I’m passed over for a promotion. It’s what I feel every time I do something that makes me unsure if it’s good enough. If I’m good enough.
So when I sabotage myself for the 50th time, it reminds me that I am, 100 percent, not worth much. But I do it to myself. No one is doing it to me. No one has been whispering ‘you’re worthless’ as I stand in the mirror every morning. No one but my own mind.
And that’s sad. It’s sad that I can admit that I am completely afraid to be happy. It’s sad that I look to sabotage my own life so I can tell myself I told you so. It’s heartbreaking that knowing I do this and continuing to do it. It’s something I feel like I’m not sure I can control anymore.
If you’re afraid to be happy, if you’re not sure what your worth is, if you’re struggling with self-sabotage: the first step is to getting over it is admitting it. The second step is remembering you deserve to be happy. It’s hard work to rebuild yourself after feeling completely destroyed.
But I know if I can do it, so can you. So start this journey to self-love and start today. It’s got to be better than this. So don’t be afraid of being happy.
Be afraid of never loving yourself.
Take the first step and never look back to the person who’s too afraid to find true happiness.