The 10 Canadian Provinces, And What They Would Be Like As High School Kids

1. Alberta

Alberta is the ultra-popular kid with the massive house and all the latest video games and toys. He throws the kind of legendary parties that end up on YouTube and seems destined for corporate success but secretly his friends worry about his drinking and gossip about that baggie of white powder in his locker that he said was baking soda.

2. Nova Scotia

Nova Scotia is that girl who’s gorgeous, neat, gets the top grades in every class, is involved in student politics, the choir, the drama club, and the yearbook committee, captains several sports teams and who you want to hate for being so damn perfect except she’s SO NICE. She’ll probably be valedictorian.

3. British Columbia

British Columbia spends her lunch hour playing guitar on the quad or helping to paint the diversity mural in the foyer and thinks she might like to possibly go to Thailand after graduation or maybe Bolivia – somewhere they have really cool people, you know?

4. Prince Edward Island

Prince Edward Island is the chunky, underdeveloped kid who has trouble growing facial hair but secretly lifts in between classes and is totally going to ask Nova Scotia to prom, just you wait and see.

5. Saskatchewan

Saskatchewan is Alberta’s best bud and likes to spend his weekends recording himself doing tricks on his custom dirt bike (snowmobile in the winter). His greatest aspiration is to go viral. At parties he’s usually the one dragging a passed-out Alberta into a bedroom where Ontario can’t draw on him with Sharpie.

6. Ontario

Ontario is that loudmouthed jerk kid who nobody really likes but who they hang out with anyway because he’s pretty good at sports. He always seems to have a girlfriend, which nobody can figure out. He likes to brag about how well-off his parents are but you’ve seen his dad drop him off at school and come on, he drives a Toyota.

7. Quebec

Quebec is that lean, sensitive guy who mopes around the quad writing in his Moleskine and who you’re pretty sure wears mascara. He was the first to experiment with bisexuality (gender is SUCH a bourgeois construct) and the first to publicly declare his atheism. Occasionally he storms out of class during discussion, declaring this place to be a fascist snake pit, but then the next day there he is, calmly smoking his hand-rolled cigarettes outside the gym.

8. Manitoba

Manitoba is painfully shy and self-conscious and stutters when asked to speak in class, but she’s actually a really talented artist. One of these days Nova Scotia is going to give her a makeover and uncover the latent hotness hidden beneath those baggy sweaters and corduroy pants.

9. New Brunswick

New Brunswick is the tough, scrappy kid from a poor family who you just know is going to make something of himself someday if he can avoid doing time for assault. When his idea for a revolutionary new technology takes off, he’s going to treat his mom, dad and seven siblings to a week on the French Riviera.

10. Newfoundland

With his red hair, twinkling eyes, dimples, air of wisdom and sensitivity, lilting voice and guitar mastery, Newfoundland is destined for musical greatness. His impromptu cafeteria performances have caught the eye of Nova Scotia; they are going to be THE couple of summer.

11. The Territories

The Territories are kinda new here but they seem alright. Yukon looks like he could put away a 12-pack and still be standing – and check out that beard! Northwest looks kind of frigid. I’m pretty sure Nunavut has a different dad.