September 14, 2016

I’m Leaving Because You Never Gave Me A Reason To Stay

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Cecil Vedemil
Cecil Vedemil

“With you, I learned that sometimes the best way to love someone, was to simply love yourself more — to simply walk away, to save yourself the pain of trying to patch and sew up something that was never going to be fixed; something that was beyond repair” Bianca Sparacino once wrote.

I have never fully understood this. To put it quite frankly, I have strongly opposed to this. When you love someone, you would be willing to fight for that person. You would endure the hard times with them, not away from them. You give it your best to fix what’s broken. You can’t just leave, not when things ought to be sorted out. You can’t just walk away. That’s what you do for the people you love – you love them when they are hardest to love.

This, at least was what I truly believed in until I loved someone who was not quite ready for the love I had to give.

I have poured my all even when he knew I was just as broken as he was. I handed him my heart when I have been so afraid to love. I gave him all the broken pieces of me, trusting him to shine through the cracks. I let him in more than I have ever let anyone else through. I shared to him my demons in the hopes that he would fight them with and for me. It saddens me how he ended up being one of them.

So here’s to the one who turned out to be one of my biggest lessons:

If you’re not ready to choose me, be damn ready to lose me. Watch me walk away. Understand me when I decide to choose myself. I can’t keep second guessing where I stood with you. I don’t want to play your mind games anymore. I refuse to stay where I am not wanted.

I am leaving, not because I don’t love you. God knows how much I still do. I am leaving because this no longer leads somewhere. Because I can’t keep hoping that you would be more than the words you utter, the promises you never intended to keep. Because you’re no longer worth it. I am leaving because no matter how much I try to justify it, you never really gave me a reason to stay.

And someday, when you’re ready to love me, truly love me with the kind of love that went beyond words and empty promises, I hope your heart tightens at the sting of the realization that someone else already does. TC mark

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