Have you heard about that pesky movement that goes by the name “feminism”? If you haven’t, don’t worry, you’re not missing much. It’s just made up of a bunch of good-for-nothings (generally lesbian women) that insist on emasculating men. Women are oppressed, “slut” is an insult and not a necessary descriptive word… The best thing you can do to join the force against feminism is to give birth to a boy and raise him to be everything but a feminist. I am here to help you with that.

The first thing you must know about raising a boy without feminism is that you must never, ever allow him to cry. It won’t be hard, it’s not in a boy’s nature to do so. He shouldn’t cry when he gets hurt. He shouldn’t cry when he’s angry or frustrated. The most delightful rendition of Swan Lake could be before his eyes, but you can rest assured: There won’t be tears. He’ll remain untouched by works of art if that’s what it takes not to sob. He’ll bury you, his beloved parents, with his eyes as dry as the desert. Later, though, you must not be surprised if he starts to take out his rage on random innocent people. After all, you haven’t allowed him to be vulnerable, and the only way through which he can express his vulnerability is through violence. In this way, he gets to be a frightened boy while also being a powerful manly “man” in power. He has been taught violence makes the man. Don’t worry if your boy turns out like this. Hitting, insulting and battering are better than crying. Or more manly. Whatever.

You must raise him to be very egocentric. After all, when it comes to blind generosity, he’ll have his sisters around. He shall be taught to be like a solitary star that has already blown up, that has already destroyed all the planets that gravitated around him, that has already alienated everyone that truly loved him. Don’t worry, he’ll never be alone. He’ll get a wife (who has been taught all her life that her greatest triumph is to get a man, any man, even a selfish violent man) and she’ll stay with him out of fear. He’ll worry only about his own light (how shiny is it? How many people worship it?). He cannot fully fathom that other people exist. He hurts a lot of people out of sheer selfishness. Everyone (especially women) has to accommodate to his wishes. Compromise is always, always in his favor. He can indulge in all his animal appetites and rape women carelessly. The fault is always the victim’s. No one dare speak against him! He’s just this poor little beast who can’t control himself. Want to prevent rape? Great. If you are a woman, dress demurely and avoid being part of his fantasies. Don’t put impure thoughts into his mind, you whore. You should be okay if you follow my advice.

Anyway, be careful with your boy. What if he becomes sympathetic to other people’s needs? Why, then he’d resemble a girl. And no boy wants to resemble a girl, if he can avoid it. If it turns out he’s gay or (actually worse) a woman born with boy’s genitals, then he’s a shame and a burden to his family and to society. His only options if he’s born queer are, then, to kill himself or to live a lie. But this is all fine, because being a manly male is what matters the most, not living in agony or without the sex life he wants, am I right?
Teach your boy to think in dichotomies. Teach him that things are either black or white, that women are either sluts or reincarnations of the Virgin Mary (AKA his mother). Teach him that masculinity is a synonym to superiority, and femininity is the equivalent of inferiority. Tell him to only nurture his masculine side and to suppress anything in him that might be considered feminine. Better yet, tell him his feminine side doesn’t even exist.

Make him pick up the calculator, the one that only members of his gender can use smartly, and calculate his feelings arithmetically. Teach him that males are only and always logical, and that women are only (and always) emotional and irrational creatures. The phenomenon known as art is nothing but a frilly, whiny, female creation, unless it is done by a few chosen white males such as Mozart and Picasso, then it is truly Art.

Anger, happiness, sadness, they have no difference for your boy. They are all feelings and they are not meant to be felt: They have to be forever obliterated from his person because they are feminine and they cannot be quantified. He will just put them away in this black hole that he has inside his chest. Everything will become internalized hatred and anger.
Don’t raise your boy to have emotional literacy. Don’t teach your boy how to empathize and use his privilege as a male to help the oppressed. The oppressor is always the oppressor, he never oppresses himself, am I right? Don’t raise your boy to be a pacifist (because how will he deal with those despicable feelings?), or, worse a feminist. Don’t raise him to express himself in healthy ways. If your boy is gay, never tell him that he’s not doing anyone any favors by remaining in the closet, but rather lock him up there. Don’t teach your boy to respect other people’s bodies and not rape them. Don’t encourage your boy to become a woman, if he so chooses. Above all, don’t raise your boy to become a MAN with all the letters.