Young women today are encouraged to explore their sexuality as a form of empowerment. At the same time, we discourage them from seeking a committed relationship too early. This has produced a culture of no-strings sex and failed attempts to secure meaningful relationships, and many women are expressing their dissatisfaction with this script.
The first step in changing this dynamic is acknowledging sex differences. Embrace your femininity rather than your overt sexuality. Offer genuine emotional companionship. Lose the entitlement and shift your focus to giving.
Here are 25 things that men seek in a girlfriend. If you can cultivate and internalize these behaviors, you will be way out in front of the pack, because few women understand how important these qualities are to men.
Your results will only be as good as the effort you put into self-development, and will only be effective with a worthy man of good character. Don’t expect to flip a player with these moves.
Nurture: Escalate emotionally to create intimacy and loyalty.
Men are raised to be stoic, and they become adept at compartmentalizing their emotions. If you can bring out a man’s emotions, and create a safe relationship for him to express them, you’ve given him a gift, and he will repay you with loyalty and affection.
1. Actively support him.
Does he have an interview coming up? A big test? A rough week? Wish him luck, give him encouragement and let him know you are thinking of him. Express interest in hearing how things go, but do not create an obligation for him to report back.
2. Have his back.
In any kind of crisis, take his side. Always. Do not judge him. Whether he handled everything perfectly or needs to make some changes can be sorted out later if necessary.
3. Appreciate him.
Express thanks. Communicate the ways in which he makes your life better. Need him.
4. Physically care for him.
Feed him when he’s hungry. Nurse him when he’s sick. Hug him to show affection. Rub his back.
5. Have eyes for no one but him.
Actively discourage attention from other men. Avoid eye contact with other men. Ignore other men who stare at you or seek to engage you in conversation. Never, ever try to increase a guy’s interest by trying to make him jealous. Any success will be temporary, guaranteed.
6. Make him look good.
Be proud to be seen in his company, and tell him so. Work hard to engage his coworkers, friends or family in a friendly and generous way. Do not discuss his struggles or weak spots with anyone else. Create opportunities to introduce him to the important people in your life.
Cultivate: Bring effort and energy to the relationship.
7. Develop your own private language and inside jokes.
Whether it’s a nickname, a laugh shared, or a funny mishap, you can promote bonding by highlighting experiences unique to the two of you.
8. Be unconditionally generous.
Do nice things for him without keeping score. Focus on giving rather than taking.
9. Pay sometimes.
If he resists, as many men do, find ways to contribute financially other than splitting the check. Order tickets to a show. Cook him a meal at your place.
10. Remember his favorites.
Pay attention. He loves Maker’s Mark. He hates broccoli. He doesn’t eat pork. The Godfather is his favorite movie. His grandma’s lasagne is his all-time favorite comfort food. Find ways of bringing him pleasure by offering his favorite things.
11. Investigate his interests.
He’s a football fan and you know nothing about the game. Don’t pretend to be psyched for the Super Bowl, then stand around chatting and snacking with zero interest in the outcome.
He loves jazz, you think it’s for old people. Google the greats and then listen to some Miles Davis. Play it next time he comes over. He’ll be delighted you took the time to learn something for him.
Always respect the things he cares about. Never demean his hobbies.
Maintenance: How low can you go?
12. Be a pressure relief valve.
Be low maintenance. Be a safe haven, a person with whom he can be himself, even on his bad days.
If he has to work late, express understanding and flexibility. Don’t expect him to entertain you; offer to stay in sometimes or do something cheap and low key.
13. Do not compete with family and friends.
Appreciate his loyalty to family and friends, and his need to spend time without you in other relationships. Never compete for his affection with people who are important in his life.
14. Reduce your expectations.
Ditch The Rules. Don’t focus on minutiae like how long it took him to reply to your text. In fact, ditch the texting. It’s a terrible way to communicate anything but plans. Reward him for calling with a spontaneous plan on Friday night – say yes if you are free.
15. Avoid controlling and possessive behavior.
Never expect him to read your mind. If he asks what’s wrong and you say “Nothing,” it’s on you. Resolve conflict with a minimum of drama, and once resolved, let it go.
Never ask him to account for his time. Don’t ask him how he knows that girl at the bar.
16. Maintain privacy as a couple.
Let him know you’re not cackling with your hens about the relationship or his foibles.
17. Respect his privacy.
Never, ever go through his phone, email, facebook, etc. I have seen many women fall into this trap, and I once did the old-fashioned snoop for letters myself back in the day.
In addition to this being a form of theft, there is absolutely nothing to be gained by it. There is no upside to snooping. You can’t prove a negative, so you can never really be reassured when you don’t find incriminating evidence. You’re also likely to magnify any perceived infractions.
If you feel the need to stalk his media, it’s a symptom that something is not right in the relationship, and you should address that directly.
18. Suppress your neuroses.
Women are prone to crazy emotional drama, I admit it. It’s almost always best not to show this side of yourself to a man. Work out your emotional baggage with a therapist or close friend. You’ll be glad in two months that you never shared your paranoia that he had the hots for your sister or that you were sure he was dumping you that time his phone ran out of juice.
19. Stay sober.
Don’t be a sloppy drunk, it signals low value in every conceivable way. He might enjoy getting to see you tipsy now and then, but blackout drunk is never attractive.
20. Resolve conflict without emotional excess.
Express disappointment judiciously and without drama. Reward the behaviors you like, and withhold approval for behaviors you don’t like. Listen to his point of view. Never allow girlfriends to direct your actions or suggest confrontation.
Be his sex goddess.
21. Delay sex until you have achieved emotional intimacy.
He’s not going to commit to you for the sex, so you want to create a foundation for a relationship before you have sex. He should be thinking, “This girl is awesome, now if only the sex is great…”
22. Perform aural sex.
Tell him you want to be alone with him at a time when you have to wait. Tell him what you find sexy about him. Tell him you are so hot for him and only him. Talk dirty to him. Share a fantasy. A few whispered words can send an electric shock through a man’s body. Too many women neglect this form of seduction.
23. Jump his bones.
Surprise him, initiate physical contact. Men often say they want a girl who is a slut for them only. Let go of inhibitions and modesty. Be his sex goddess. Give him plenty of reinforcement when he turns you on.
24. Connect emotionally during and after sex.
Make eye contact. Be a bit vulnerable. Tell him your favorite physical things about him – his chin, his elegant hands, that small spot on his face where no whiskers grow, the soft area between his shoulder and chest that makes such a perfect pillow for your cheek.
Accept him “as is.”
25. Never go into a relationship with an idea of changing a man into what you really want.
These actions will help seal the deal with an emotionally available and mature man. Before you try for commitment with a man, you should qualify him as relationship material. Even one month of your time and effort spent on a player is a total waste.
For every bit of effort you make, he should be right there meeting you halfway. He should be:
- Moving the relationship forward.
You will need to be patient. It takes time to develop genuine intimacy and closeness. But you should see these four qualities at all times. If any of these are missing, he’s not a good match for you. Cut your losses and drive on.