November 15, 2012

The Different Kinds Of Personalities You Can Have On Facebook

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What is the issue?

I just graduated college and I’m teaching English in Korea!!!!

Those who venture to Korea after college to teach English see a BIG change in their internet persona. Gone are the photos of them wasted at a typical Americana house party and in their place are pictures of them surrounded by a giant group of small Korean children giving an enthusiastic thumbs up. Oh look, here they also are eating WEIRD food and making pained facial expressions. “OMG, I’m eating Kimchi and it’s making my mouth burn so bad! Here’s my new Korean friend! See, I told you that I’m getting a social life!” For a solid year, their Facebook is lost in translation. Then they return to the States and post emo pictures of the Korean skyline with the caption: “잊지 못할”(That means never forget, you fool!)

I’m very, very, very gay!!!!!!

This person is a full-time homosexual. Like, it looks exhausting having to be that gay all the time but somehow they summon the energy to do it. Browsing their Facebook photos, you will see a lot of deep-v’s, mimosas at brunch, screenshots from Mean Girls (especially Gretchen Weiners being all, “YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US!”), them and their gaggle of gays in slutty costumes because apparently every day is HOMOWEEN, gay dead eyes, gay gay eyes, hugging their 90-year-old grandma in a park with the caption: “me with the lady who taught me how to be fierce…”, glitter, more glitter, self-portraits in the mirror Myspace-style, and, last but not least, them covering their mouth as if to say “oops!”.

i’m depressed

Depressed people like to be as minimalist as possible on Facebook. They post sparingly and it’s usually only #dark quotes from poems or photos of Morrissey. Their profile pictures are all abstract pictures of nothingness, except for one that’s of their face, and even then it’s obscured by a hoodie. The more people are like “WTF?” when they go on their Facebook, the better.

I’m in PR!!!!!!

PR chicks are so annoying, especially on Facebook. When they’re not posting about how much their body hurts from spin class, they’re using their feed as a dump for the things they post on Twitter. Basically, it looks like their life is a giant seizure of networking and social media. They also still watch Grey’s Anatomy, which is disturbing.

I’m religious!!!!

These days it’s hard to find someone on Facebook who believes in Jesus more than they do Ryan Gosling but occasionally you’ll hit jackpot and find a diehard Christian who posts daily Bible verses and recipes for chocolate chip cookies. Their life is terrifyingly wholesome. The raciest their Facebook gets is when they “like” Victoria’s Secret.

i party!

The party girl is wasted in every single photo on her Facebook. Most have been taken by a party photographer or their friend’s disposable camera. (Hi-fi meets lo-fi!) They sign off each interaction with “xx.” They’re always one day away from going to Paris for some opening. Few photos exist of them out in the daylight, which is the way they like it. After all, nightcrawlers only go out when the sun is down! 3 p.m. is for plebeians.

i’m too cool for facebook

Are you kidding? They deleted their Facebook in 2008 and it was the best decision they ever made. Now they live their life honestly. If only you could join them…TC Mark

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