10 Signs Someone Is Fake
1) When you run into someone you haven’t seen in a long time and before you part they say, “Let’s do brunch!” or “Let’s get drinks sometime,” that person is probably fake. Instead of automatically agreeing you should really just say, “Hmm. I don’t think so.” Because practically no one who says “let’s do brunch” or “let’s get drinks” means it.
2) They’ll be friends with you, party with you and drink with you on the weekends. But when you need help with something boring and chore-like, such as moving into your elevator-less fourth floor apartment in the middle of August, they’re nowhere to be found. Watch.
3) If someone suddenly and magically disappears into thin air right when you need them most, that betch is fake. Don’t even bother sending them an email or a text message in all caps — those things carry no weight whatsoever, because fake people love to ignore situations where feelings get involved.
4) When you take a leap of faith and tell a person how you really feel and they tell you they feel the same way but actually they don’t seem like it and nothing changes.
5) If a person claims to never get mad or upset about things then they’re fake. Why? Because fake people have zero emotions. Real people get mad and upset and feel passion or get pissed off, and nobody is 100% happy and smiling all the time.
6) If a person is perpetually unavailable, or you constantly feel like they’re ignoring you, you’re probably right and that person is fake. You’re all, “Trollop I KNOW you got my text because iMessage says that shit was “Delivered.” Probably the most hurtful thing about unavailable, fake people, something we should all keep in mind, is that they ARE available, just not to us.
7) If a person talks about you behind your back. Of course, if you’re talking to them face-to-face it’s hard to know that they’re talking about you specifically. But if they spend a lot of time gossiping to you about other people, it’s not a coincidence.
8) If a person is hot and cold towards you for any reason. Friends are there for you no matter what, not depending on the context and what you’re doing or whether they’re bored that day and look to you to keep entertained.
9) If a person NEVER invites you to hang out, or either they always come up with fabulous excuses about why they can’t hang out. If they make plans with you and conveniently cancel at the last minute that person is fake, and they are probably with the person they always make themselves available for.
10) Fake people try to please everyone and work hard to be all things to all people. But if you’re busy trying to please everyone, doesn’t that mean you’re being fake to somebody? Thankfully we have a name for that — leading people on.
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If you’ve been looking for a chance to say something then this very well could be it.
I wish to God I’d had a list like this when I was 23.
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”