1. Wear “fashion glasses” (preferably horn-rimmed) when you have OK vision or already wear contacts. Only put the glasses on in “smart” contexts.
2. Liberally quote philosophers such as Foucault when you haven’t actually read any Foucault. Here’s looking at you, all humanities Ph.D. students everywhere!
3. Carry a Moleskine that you only write in with tiny pencils.
4. Go to conference presentations, panel discussions or lectures and ask long-winded “questions” that actually have nothing to do with what the person lecturing was talking about. Feel proud at the end of your ramble.
5. Be at a conference and use an iPad app where you can take notes with your finger like it’s a piece of paper.
6. Hate all popular music. Tell people you only listen to “indie rock” bands that only 75-100 people in the world have ever heard of. Tell people that when they listen to it, it’s so advanced that they won’t even be able to tell it’s music.
7. Get a hyphenated last name.
8. Have a last name as a first name.
9. Have a boat and go wind sailing. Post photos of this pretentious act on Facebook.
10. Play classical music in a fancy grocery store. I’m awaiting the day when it will be possible to enter a palatial food emporium and hear people talking about big booty hoes instead of the Haydn Quintet in E-flat major.
11. Hate mainstream things, telling people you liked _______ BEFORE they got popular.
12. Name drop. Name dropping is so pretentious. It’s like saying, I’m so fabulous! Just look at all the Very Important People I know, when the reality is that you maybe caught a glimpse of them at some loft party when they were leaving the secret VIP sub-basement where all of the other Very Important People are, which is where you would actually be if you knew them in real life.
13. Refer to all raw vegetables as crudités.
14. Refer to classical music albums as RECORDINGS.
15. Be proud about not having a television set/not watching TV. Who doesn’t watch TV? These people are not to be trusted.
16. Change your first name into an abbreviation, especially if it is a hyphenated last name. Like this: P. Mitchell-Harrison.
17. Vow to never drive an automatic transmission/American vehicle.
18. Tell people you hate “Call Me Maybe.” Nobody hates “Call Me Maybe”!
19. Live in a gated community. Why are you cordoning yourself off from society?
20. Join an country club, eating club, membership club, secret societies.
21. Use big words like “elucidate” in normal everyday convos.
22. “Read” aged philosophical texts in public space.
23. Offer people unsolicited advice because you know the way, you have all the answers.
24. Require your beer to be just the right temperature.
25. Smell a glass of wine before you drink it. One day I’m going to be at a cocktail reception and somebody is going to do it and I will tip the glass on them. JUST DRINK IT.
26. Complain about hipsters. I don’t really get why people are still complaining about hipsters. I was complaining about hipsters before hipsters were a thing people talked about.
27. Cruise Internet blogs and be certain to point out other people’s grammatical flaws, spelling mistakes, and syntactical errors. We know you got an A in AP English, but we aren’t in 2003 anymore.
28. “I only listen to music on vinyl.” Really?
29. Believe you’re an expert in philosophical reasoning because you went to a liberal arts college. That experience alone makes you uniquely qualified to solve all intellectual debates that have ever existed.
30. Carry a bag from a designer store as your everyday tote. I know your lunch is not from Yves Saint Laurent because those people don’t eat, so I don’t know why you just pulled a salad up out of that bitch.
31. Roll your own cigarettes.
32. Leave an anonymous comment on a website about how awful a person’s “writing” is, which is always put in quotation marks like that. Just write a better piece with your name on it if you’re sooo much better than everybody else!!
33. Be British. Everything just sounds better and way more important in British English. Even their insults sounds elegant. “Oh, pop off!”