25 Signs You’re A Hot Mess
1. You’re over the age of, say, 16.5 and you still shop at Rainbow.
2. You wear flip flops to the club and get mad if somebody steps on your feet.
3. There are a number of photos of you on the Internet doing “sexy” poses in skimpy outfits that are perhaps two to three sizes too small. In the photos you pose on top cars, in kitchens, bathrooms, door frames, etc.
4. You go on dates always expecting the other person to pay.
5. You’re sweating profusely in a situation where you are not supposed to be sweating. Like job interviews. You look very dapper in that suit and everything, it’s just too bad your back is so wet from all the running you did to get here on time.
6. Every text message you send includes a dizzying array of emoticons.
7. You think you’re above taking a job at ________, even though you don’t have any money and the rent’s due soon.
8. SPRAY TANS!!!
9. Your jeans contain an array of superfluous materials such as fringe, crystals, hearts, or other such complex embroidery.
10. You have a public meltdown, induced perhaps by a combination of prescription pills, brown liquor, and/or Four Loko.
11. You never make it anywhere on time, even after the mutual “I’m going to be 10 minutes late” text.
12. You wear makeup from the night before.
13. Your wig is on backwards but baby you just don’t care.
14. You unironically drink wine out of a box.
15. You take a first date to the combination Taco Bell/Pizza Hut.
16. You have a bedazzled cellphone. Actually, if you have a bedazzled anything.
17. You rent a stretch party bus/hummer/limo for a night out on the town, making sure the driver brings a red bath mat ready to throw at your feet when you get out. Obviously you’ll be wearing sunglasses.
18. You have a “business weave.”
19. YOU WEAR SOCKS WITH SANDALS.
20. You have appeared in public wearing bed clothes such as rollers, pajama pants or house slippers.
21. You use duct tape on the back of the TV remote when you misplace the real back.
22. You wear A LOT of make up even though you’re not a drag queen.
23. You only go out in packs of at least seven but up to 12 people and you are all basically wearing the same black dress and/or plaid bro shirt.
24. You send all your friends this chain text you received that says to forward it to 50 people you know for your chance to win $1000.
25. You have taken an online profile pic with an iPad. It’s not even a cellphone.
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24. Hair loss due to high levels anxiety.
Before you make the possibly life-altering decision to go and have a meal at Waffle House, I believe it is my duty as a reporter to inform you of what could happen.
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“The man with horns. He doesn’t stand. He floats.”
It’s like asking an athlete to train for the Olympics without going through the pain and discomfort of exercising.