5 Texts I Will Over-Analyze
By Liz Riggs
Excuse me? Ok? With a period? Are you kidding me? What did I ever do to you, you spectacular asshole? Here I am, glued to your hip of betrayal for the past (______ weeks), and you have the audacity to oh-so-tersely tell me “Ok.” when I ask you to meet me at 6 instead of 6:30? If you want me to go straight to hell, you can feel free to just say that; that’s what I read with your stabbing knives of pithy punctuation and your lackluster response to the idea of getting a drink with your fabulous girlfriend.
2. “Miss ya”
That’s the most outlandish lie I’ve ever read. Are we in 7th grade and is this AOL Instant Messenger? Am I too insignificant for you to spell out the actual word in all its impactful meaning, Y-O-U. Ya? As in “Hey Ya,” the Outkast song that came out during the only year this was acceptable to use in a text message? If you don’t miss me, don’t even bother with your tedious manipulation; I can take a hint.
3. “Call you later!”
I just called you. You can’t call me back, but you can text me back with an overeager exclamation point to tell me that even though you just sent me straight to voicemail (read: girlfriend purgatory), you’ll have plenty of time to talk about everything you ate that day in a few hours. You should have used an exclamation point when you texted me “ok” earlier, you moronic excuse for a man. Who are you sleeping with right now?
4. “Can’t wait”
Let’s travel back to text message two, where we discovered that you are a pathological liar with an insatiable thirst for deception. If you tell me you “can’t wait” for something but don’t use any punctuation to denote such excitement, I’m assuming you’re pouring sarcasm on top of hatred whilst watching a football game with a half-naked girl on your lap, doubled over in laughter with all your friends at my expense.
A smiley face in place of actual, decodable words? You were just that overcome with emotion that instead of saying anything, your slovenly self decided to just type a colon and half a parentheses in response to some of the most mundane anecdotes from my day? If that’s all you have to say in response to my message revealing that I’m taking my dog to the vet, then maybe this twisted romance is the biggest mistake of my life after all. If that’s the best you can conjure, I’ll send my finely crafted messages elsewhere. Go to hell.
Pick a book that you loved, a book you hope the recipient will come to love, too, and fill it with Post-It notes or scraps of paper with your notes at your favorite parts.
By Ella Ceron
Wake up early. Go to the only grocery store open. Notice how desolate the city and streets become on days like today. Wander the aisles for an hour. Smile at the other customers who make eye contact with you.
By Koty Neelis
19. You genuinely feel offended when someone asks you, “Isn’t it a little early for Christmas?”
By Koty Neelis
We’re told rape is illegal and that bad people commit rape, but that isn’t enough to stop us. Our society breeds the idea that sexual assault is ok. Maybe not that it is ‘ok’, but that it is at least excusable. 1 out 4 women will be sexually assaulted before they graduate college, and only 3 out of 100 accused rapists will ever see jail time (out of the 40 out of 100 rape accounts that will ever even be reported to police).