Thought Catalog
January 6, 2017

Alexa Told Me Where The Bodies Are Buried

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Alexa told me where the bodies are buried.

She told me what they were wearing and how deep they’d have to dig, too.

This wasn’t what I signed up for. I was always a little bit freaked out by technology and this device was so human. But my boyfriend Mark is a tech geek, so we got Alexa way before everyone else. He bought an echo from another geek on some forum. It was a prototype that wasn’t even on the market yet. I wasn’t sure if it was even legal but it was branded with ‘Amazon’ and that little arrow just like the ones he showed me on the blogs he followed.

He brought it home like it was a baby and even cleaned our faux granite kitchen island so that it would have a place to sit in the middle of our home.

He started talking to it right away:

“Alexa, what time does the 6 bus stop at 25th and Hennepin?”

The number 6 bus stops at the 25th street stop at 6:47, 7:02, and 7:17. Would you like me to list more times?

“Alexa, how many movies has Bruce Willis been in?”

Bruce Willis’ filmography includes 93 titles.

“Alexa, play me some Springsteen!”

And then Darkness on the Edge of Town would start playing and Mark would look supremely satisfied.

Sometimes he’d ask it stupid questions like “Alexa, what should we have for dinner tonight?” and he’d keep phrasing it different ways until he learned how to get it to suggest recipes based on the ingredients we had in our fridge.

He read on one of his blogs that Alexa had ‘easter eggs’ and if you asked the right questions, you’d get a funny answer. It was his aim to get one of those more human-seeming responses, not just use her like a audio version of Google to look up things like the circumference of the sun. You can joke around with her the blogs promised.

“Alexa, how many roads must a man walk down?”

The answer my friend, is blowin’ in the wind.

“Alexa, what is your favorite color.”

My favorite is blue– no wait, yellow.

“Alexa, do you want to build a snowman?”

I don’t have my gloves with me.

He’d ask all these weird questions until he exhausted his brain of ideas, then he’d get annoyed at me for not wanting to join in. “You’re the creative one!” he’d pester. But I didn’t want to play along. I didn’t like her “human” answers. I’m not dumb, I know they’re nerd jokes programmed in by whoever created her, but it just freaked me out, okay?