I want you.
I think you’ve recognized that by now, honestly. I’ve never been subtle even when I’m supposed to be. I’m not shy about the way I feel or the things I want- I don’t like to waste time when there are so many possibilities available.
The last time that I wanted you, that I implied it, it felt a little less like a want and more like a need. You affected so much of me. Seeing you was the highlight of my day, sometimes my week. I would replay our conversations in my head and smile remembering your witty comebacks or the way you looked at me.
I remember kissing you and the way it made me want to come apart but also felt like everything was falling together.
Being around you made me feel a lot of intense things that I didn’t always know how to explain, and I didn’t really try to; all I knew was when I was around you I was on top of the world. On the flip side of things, when you would vanish for days or weeks at a time or stop communicating with me altogether, it was crushing. When I heard about you and other girls, it hurt far more than it should have- because honestly you’d become something I desperately held onto whether I meant to or not.
This time is different though. This isn’t like before.
I still enjoy talking to you. You’ve always known how to say things that sweep me off my feet. My memories of spending time with you are still good ones- you were always entertaining and interesting, always making me laugh without trying. The idea of seeing you again, of you being back in my life again, definitely brings a smile to my face. Yet the thing is, you haven’t been around for awhile, and I’ve been just fine. I’ve learned how to love and value myself, I’ve had some great opportunities come my way, and have made some new friends in the process. My life is actually going better than I expected it to.
And the fact of the matter is this- I want you, but I don’t need you.
If you are part of this life I have now, that’s great. I’ll welcome you with open arms and an excited heart. Yet if you vanish without a trace, if you decide that you’d rather just be a guest every now and again rather than a main player, then know that as much as I want you, I don’t need you. And I’ll walk away if I have to.
Because I’m not good at this whole casual thing. If you keep walking in and out of my life, all it does is bring confusion and questions, anxiety and wasted time. I don’t want to always question if you’re here, if you’re staying, or if you’re gone. I don’t want my thoughts of you every time I see your face to be, “I wonder how long he will be around this time?”
I’ve finally started to recognize the value of people who stay, and recognize that I deserve more than just a pop in every now and then.
I have finally recognized that I can want you for as long as I live, but I don’t need you. I have been doing fine despite your absence and that isn’t going to change. I’ll still go on living, making memories, and enjoying the people who have determined being part of my life is their priority.
I hope you decide to join those people. I hope you look at me and want more than just one night flings and flirty conversations. I hope you say you’re sticking around.
Either way, I know I’m going to be okay- with or without you.