11 Cool Things That Aren’t Actually Cool
1. Typography snobs
So you have a strong opinion about Comic Sans? Well, here’s what I think, cool guy: You can’t tell the difference between Arial and Helvetica, and you’re not sure if this is Times New Roman or Georgia. So since Comic Sans is the only font you can positively identify, you like to show off by complaining whenever you see it. Here’s one thing we can identify: an asshole!
2. Frozen yogurt shops
Frozen yogurt is not a new concept, but self-service places like Yogurtland are popping up all over the place. Apparently the problem with TCBY was that there weren’t enough people sneezing in the sprinkles.
3. Minimalist adaptations
An artform based around how easy it is to do — probably not that great of an art form. Call me when there are maximalist adaptations. In the meantime, here’s a minimalist review of every minimalist adaptation I’ve ever seen: :\
4. Telling people you don’t watch TV
So you’ve somehow managed to subsist wholly on Netflix, Hulu, HBO Go, and the entirety of the Internet? We’re so impressed! And if you don’t watch any shows… what’s the matter with you? You know Arrested Development is back in like a month, right?
5. Vitamin Water
If you love long lines, admissions fees in the hundreds of dollars, overcrowded buildings filled with odorous strangers in masks approaching children, San Diego, and becoming a tool of corporations attempting to generate buzz about their newest product by disguising their advertising as an “exclusive sneak peek,” you should definitely go to ComicCon and tell me all about the Grimm panel you waited three hours for.
7. Burger snobs
Everyone who thinks they’re cool has an opinion about the “best burger in the city.” There are lots of great burger places out there. Good job, you found one of them!
A similar experience to ComicCon, but with fewer shirts, more drunks, and an equal amount of horse shit. There are better festivals out there that don’t take place on polo grounds or in the desert, and they have better lineups, cheaper tickets, and fewer shoobies.
9. Watching bad movies ironically
This whole “bad movie” thing is an endless game of chicken that is eventually going to destroy our minds. You know what’s better than bad movies? Good movies.
I know OK Computer was a big deal in the nineties, and “Creep” was a Gen-X anthem, but Radiohead has somehow become the safe choice for people trying to fit in around strangers — like the indie equivalent of U2. Please, everyone: The last thing the world needs is another U2.
11. Hating on things people love just to get a reaction
Touché, imaginary antagonist. Touché.
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The only way to live in a world without religion is to remove its necessity. You have to create a system in which people do not need God.
George Washington is Biggie: Just the best, classic, constantly enjoyable.
I laughed long and hard at this, and I think you will too.
I have had exactly thirteen abortions. Five girls, eight boys.