11 Cool Things That Aren’t Actually Cool
1. Typography snobs
So you have a strong opinion about Comic Sans? Well, here’s what I think, cool guy: You can’t tell the difference between Arial and Helvetica, and you’re not sure if this is Times New Roman or Georgia. So since Comic Sans is the only font you can positively identify, you like to show off by complaining whenever you see it. Here’s one thing we can identify: an asshole!
2. Frozen yogurt shops
Frozen yogurt is not a new concept, but self-service places like Yogurtland are popping up all over the place. Apparently the problem with TCBY was that there weren’t enough people sneezing in the sprinkles.
3. Minimalist adaptations
An artform based around how easy it is to do — probably not that great of an art form. Call me when there are maximalist adaptations. In the meantime, here’s a minimalist review of every minimalist adaptation I’ve ever seen: :\
4. Telling people you don’t watch TV
So you’ve somehow managed to subsist wholly on Netflix, Hulu, HBO Go, and the entirety of the Internet? We’re so impressed! And if you don’t watch any shows… what’s the matter with you? You know Arrested Development is back in like a month, right?
5. Vitamin Water
If you love long lines, admissions fees in the hundreds of dollars, overcrowded buildings filled with odorous strangers in masks approaching children, San Diego, and becoming a tool of corporations attempting to generate buzz about their newest product by disguising their advertising as an “exclusive sneak peek,” you should definitely go to ComicCon and tell me all about the Grimm panel you waited three hours for.
7. Burger snobs
Everyone who thinks they’re cool has an opinion about the “best burger in the city.” There are lots of great burger places out there. Good job, you found one of them!
A similar experience to ComicCon, but with fewer shirts, more drunks, and an equal amount of horse shit. There are better festivals out there that don’t take place on polo grounds or in the desert, and they have better lineups, cheaper tickets, and fewer shoobies.
9. Watching bad movies ironically
This whole “bad movie” thing is an endless game of chicken that is eventually going to destroy our minds. You know what’s better than bad movies? Good movies.
I know OK Computer was a big deal in the nineties, and “Creep” was a Gen-X anthem, but Radiohead has somehow become the safe choice for people trying to fit in around strangers — like the indie equivalent of U2. Please, everyone: The last thing the world needs is another U2.
11. Hating on things people love just to get a reaction
Touché, imaginary antagonist. Touché.
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I wish to God I’d had a list like this when I was 23.
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”
To begin, I got totally screwed over in the dental genes department. I was born with a pretty severe overbite and a mouth that was too small.