Thought Catalog
January 30, 2012

Why You Shouldn't Text That Jerk Who Hasn't Called You Back

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What is the issue?

I know you’re frustrated.  I know you’re angry.  I know he or she (but for the purposes of this article, he) said he’d be in touch after you met/ went out/ made out, and now it’s been three + days and nothing. But here is why you should not text/ call/ e-mail with a “Hey, so, everything okay?” or, “Just saying hi :),” or even the completely valid, “Way to drop off the face of the earth, jerk!”

He doesn’t care.

People who want to talk to you find a way, even if it’s via lame means like a direct message tweet. I know it’s harsh to say, and hard to hear, but if he isn’t following up it’s because he doesn’t want to follow up. He said he’d call. He hasn’t called. Barring personal tragedy, he doesn’t want to call.

But before you go hail the “He’s just not that into you” mantra, remember something even more important: sometimes he’s just not that capable of being into anything.  Sure, maybe that’s a line created to make you feel better about yourself, but it’s also true that some guys aren’t texting anyone back. So it’s less, “He doesn’t care about you,” and more, “He doesn’t care about anything.”

If he does care, he should have been in touch.

Sometimes you run into the guy who didn’t ever call back and he says, “Crap, I really meant to call you but ___________.” Or, better yet, you’ll hear through the grapevine from a friend of that guy’s friend that he does like you, and does want to hang out again, he just isn’t big on texting/ calling.

Poppycock! This is 2012, the year of no lame excuses.  Unless this guy intends to right his wrongs by committing zero further communication crimes, forget him.

This doesn’t mean you become a lady in waiting any time digits are exchanged. In cases of, “Let’s exchange numbers… I’d love to see you again,” the rules are far less strict.  The zero tolerance policy applies to people who say, “I’ll call you this week,” and then fall off the face of the earth.

If he does care, and didn’t know he should have been in touch, you don’t want to be the one to teach him.

“Oh, I just figured I’d call you if I had something fun to do or was in your neighborhood…” See above re: the year 2012.  Also, there are not enough hours in the day for you to waste but 60 seconds teaching some supposed adult how to be an actual adult.

Trust me, you don’t want to be involved in a text back-and-forth that goes something like this:

Him: hey what’s up?

You: Oh, wow, hey, I didn’t think I’d hear from you

Him: what do you mean?

You: Well it’s been two weeks…

Him: Yeah?

You: I just thought I’d hear from you sooner, that’s all.

Him: Oh, sorry.

Where, exactly, do you go from there? Because if it’s, “In the future could you please respond to me in a more timely manner,” you’d be totally justified, but probably not someone this guy’s going to keep around.  Best to let him fall on his own sword versus stabbing him repeatedly with it to no avail.

If he says he does care but then proves equally flakey in subsequent communication, he doesn’t know how to care.

I’ll admit this circumstance is unfortunate because some otherwise perfect men simply can’t get it together in the communication department.  Unfortunately, this means they never will, and are therefore not as close to perfect as their visage might suggest.

Think of it this way: if he doesn’t have the you-know-what’s to even make a second point of contact, how is he going to handle all the legitimately complicated parts of being in a relationship? I know you’re thinking, “It’s just a text message,” or, “Everyone communicates at different speeds.”  But these first few texts/ calls/ e-mails of a budding relationship are wildly important. If you’re not going to be on your best, kindest behavior in the “courting phase,” what does that say about your plans for five or six months in?

He’s not worth your energy.

So it’s been a week since he left you at your doorstep with an, “I’ll call you tomorrow,” and all you want to do is give that jerk a piece of your mind. Feel free to let loose on his rude self if it makes you feel better, but know that all he’s doing with that text/ voicemail /e-mail is rolling his eyes, and calling you crazy. Save your texting thumbs for future flirting for some far more worthy individual.

Or, better yet, tell the next person you drop your digits on that you only respond to phone calls.  That’ll weed out the men from the boys. TC mark