September 16, 2016

Why ‘I Don’t’ Is The New ‘I Do’

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What is the issue?
Ali Kaukas
Ali Kaukas

If we
Were to marry
Yes, I said the M word
Even though I don’t think our hearts
Understand forever
But if you loved me—and this was important
You are important to me
So I would say yes
To you
I would beg for no ring
I would ask you to swear at the stars
sweat in the sea
wash pain in the rain
warm your heart with the sun
or me
or simply wake up each day
not knowing what the day will bring
and choose me
-Janne Robinson

I have an issue with the constitution of marriage.

I have an issue with the “forever” part of it.

I think that our brains can logically understand forever—that we can look at someone and think that we love them and that this love will stretch a long, long time.

I do not think our hearts understand forever.

Before I begin, I want to state that I am serial monogamous.

I think there is no “right” way to love, but I think polyamory is very complicated and requires twice or three times the work, communication and energy.

I think dancing with one heart is tough enough.

Polyamory is kind of like communism, on paper it sounds beautiful—but it never actually works.

So that being said, I love to love one person.

The reason I desire a naked finger is not because I want to throw my heart at the world and each man I connect with, a forever bachelorette—no, it is because my word is one of the most important things to me.

By keeping my word I am showing the world, and the people in my life that I value not only them but also myself.

Marriage is a big agreement to make.

I do is likely the shortest and strongest agreement we will make in our lifetime as two legged’s.

I cannot know if I will ever forever love someone.

I can wake up each day and make the choice to love someone.

I think that, ultimately, is what love is—waking up each day and choosing our partners.

Making the choice moment to moment that right now they are the one we are loving, learning, growing, stretching with.

I think we have multiple “ones” or soul mates.

That anyone who reaches into the cavities of our hearts and teaches something about ourselves, the world, one another—anyone who slams our hearts and our souls on the ground is a soul mate.

Reserving our hearts or promising our hearts to just one “one” feels naïve to me.

There are many humans on this planet, and you will meet many that will move you—if you are open.

It is mature to meet someone, while in a relationship and acknowledge a connection—to know that if we weren’t involved that we would explore whatever it is that makes us hesitate.

To make a choice to notice, but not engage and continue to choose the person we are with—at the same time.

On top of the “forever” part of marriage that doesn’t sit well in my heart, it is also the validation that I feel is unnecessary.

I don’t believe putting ring on your finger, saying, “I do” in front of the friends, family, and strangers validates love.

When I hear someone is married or engaged I don’t think, “well he really loves her, now.”

No, I just think as long as two hearts dance together—they love each other.

I also think sometimes people tie the not because it feels like the “next” bit.

Because after 3-5 years, you just, should—right?

Hell no.

Should is a word we use unconsciously when we are not making a free choice, or a willing choice.

Should, have to, could—big red flags.

Also, you know when you’re in a funk and go shopping? Buy something new, and feel good in your brand spanking newly released endorphins for a little while?

Well sometimes I observe marriage between people that feels like a version of therapy shopping to me.

Like people are struggling in their relationships, bored, trying to fix something, or feel pressured by society or each other and this will create some excitement (like that new car you have, but more expensive) for a little while.

Marriage is sometimes like the puppy we love when it’s little and later abandon when it isn’t new and cute anymore.

Getting married doesn’t fix any problems you have.

Being married doesn’t mean that now you will be loved forever.

Marriage doesn’t mean you have to stop doing work.

Sometimes a wedding and a honeymoon can be like a band-aid with all the stuff and things and excitement but it eventually will quiet down, wear off.

What will be there in the silence, after?

As I say this, I know all marriage is not like this–I speak only for myself—and what I sometimes observe in the world and people I exist around and see.

This is my truth, not your truth—and I honor your truth.

Marriage could be great for you—it could be all those things.

But for me it is expensive, extravagant, unrealistic and unnecessary.

Celebrating love is necessary.

We should celebrate love and one another daily.

Having our family to be part of a ceremony to celebrate our love is beautiful—I love this.

I don’t love the religious part; the expensive dresses we wear once and then collect dust part.

I don’t love the desperation some women have get married–to tie the knot.

Just because you are married, doesn’t mean you are more successful or happy.

I know a ton of single people who are stinkin’ happy.

I also know a ton of married people who are stinkin happy.

It has less to do with the Ms. or Mrs. and more with the you bit.

So—if you’re a woman getting wrinkles about that naked finger, know that your finger is just breathing right now.

That it is still creating space for your “one” to swoop in and love you madly.

Who cares if that one is coined as a boyfriend, life partner, or husband—he’s your one.

Don’t sweat it—don’t sweat what society says, or your parents say, or your married friends say.

Don’t sweat that your younger sister or brother is married first.

We all love differently.

In the meantime, love the crap out of yourself.

And when you love the crap out of another, know that marriage is a choice—and that it may simply just not be for you.

I, personally, would rather be a Miss. TC mark

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