Thought Catalog
December 30, 2016

I Don’t Need You To Spoil Me, But I Definitely Need You To Make An Effort

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What is the issue?
Twenty20, dashapats
Twenty20, dashapats

My expectations in love seem high, but they aren’t unrealistic. They aren’t unreasonable.

I don’t need to be the only person in your life. I want you to have friends you can grab a beer with when I’m stuck at work. I want you to have parents you’re close to and cousins you visit on weekends. But I don’t want to be considered a second choice. The person you call when everyone else is busy. The person you fall back on. I expect to be treated like a priority.

But being your first priority doesn’t mean I need your full attention. I don’t need you to text me from the second your alarm chimes in the morning until your head sinks into your pillow at night. I don’t need never-ending affection. But I do need affection. I need you to set time aside to visit me and plan out dates you think I’d like. I need you to ask me about my day and tell me all about yours. I need you to prove that you give a damn about me.

And giving a damn consists of more than pretty words — it includes actions. I don’t need you to buy me plane tickets for my birthday and jewelry for our anniversary. I don’t need you to waste the paychecks you worked so hard to get on a single gift that I’m going to toss in my drawer. But I do expect you to find something special to wrap up for me. To write something thoughtful in my card. To make me feel like I actually matter to you.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t need you to spoil me, to put me on some sort of pedestal and act like I’m your queen, because that screams unhealthy. But I do need you to show me respect. To put in effort — as much effort as I do. I want us to be equals in every conceivable way.

The thing is, I don’t want you to do nice things for me, because I’m asking. Or because you’re worried about losing me. I want you to do them, because you’re crazy about me and want to see me happy. Because the idea of not doing them isn’t even an option in your head.

I want someone that doesn’t even realize how much effort he’s putting in, because his sweet gestures don’t feel like a burden. Driving me around isn’t a hindrance. Eating dinner with my parents isn’t an annoyance. Making time for me isn’t an inconvenience. They’re things he’s choosing to do — not things he’s forced to do.

I want someone that wants a relationship with me and is willing to do the work required to sustain it. Not someone that halfheartedly decides to commit, because I made him feel important and the sex was good. I can’t accept laziness. I can’t accept lack of effort.

It might seem like my standards are high, but they’re exactly where they belong. When it comes down to it, I’m not asking for much. But I am asking for you to try. TC mark