A wise man once proclaimed, “For it is far safer to ejaculate inside her whilst she lays on her side, as the chances of her becoming pregnant are slim.” But you won’t be engaging in any ejaculatory celebrations if you don’t first master the delicate procedure that is spooning.
Spooning (spo͞o-ning). Verb:
A position in which a woman lays on her side, predominantly in a fetal position, forming the little spoon in the duo; and a man lays behind her, also on his side, with his man-area on her gluteals so as to form the big spoon in this motionless embrace.
While the man is occasionally the smaller spoon, it is common knowledge that any man who acts as the little spoon any more than five percent of the time has little to no say in the relationship. There is a significant chance he is a mere handbag holder whenever she decides, at her convenience, that he will accompany her on her shopping trips.
The origins of spooning can be traced back a few millennia as archeologists have discovered neanderthal skeletons in the position. This was probably due to efficiency reasons — shared body heat to help through the cold winters. But the prime reasons now for spooning are for women to feel comfortable and coddled, and for men to initiate sexual contact after fighting through their own initial discomfort. Men have struggled and snuggled through countless nights, just to make her believe that he, too, wants to cuddle. They have faced dead arm after dead arm as women laid their heads on the pained bicep. Not a wince of agony nor a murmur of dissatisfaction to alert her of his plight, just silent resilience in the difficult quest for prime box. For those that have performed it, I applaud you on your efforts.
Some of you triumphed in the face of adversity, spooned your way to success after following the prerequisites. But others’ attempts to prematurely slide their thirsty hand down her soft thighs were thwarted, and back into the dark cataclysms of the friend-zone they returned with their balls as blue as the deep pacific.
However difficult it may be to imagine, I wasn’t always adept at spooning myself. I battled on during difficult sessions, in which confusion as to where to place my arm loomed over me. I proclaimed a defiant “no!” in the face of the blue ball demons, and learned greatly in my conquests. I can only hope that my findings will be of benefit to you. Follow these simple steps and you, too, will be placing your boner upon her buttocks in a manner as proficient as I do.
1. Loose Cotton Boxers Are For Winners
The art of the spoon starts before any spooning actually commences. Would Tom Brady step on the football field ill-equipped and unprepared? Do you believe Simba could have defeated his wretched uncle if he had not pondered his strategy during his political exile? No. You, too, are not exempt from planning ahead. You must give your boner every fighting chance he has. Why hinder his goals by going to bed in basketball shorts or sweatpants? Choose loose fitting boxers to begin your journey.
2. Arm Control
You have selected the right pair of underwear and are now setting up the spoon phase. As you begin to lay on your side you realize your bottom arm may become trapped in an uncomfortable position, and if you decide to rest it in between your chest and her back, you will be wasting precious room for contact. You must place your arm underneath her pillow with your elbow at an angle anywhere between 90 and 120 degrees. This serves for optimum spooning. Body contact initiated, comfort for yourself, and her feeling cozy.
3. Arm Control 2.0: The Striker.
Now that your trapped arm is somewhat rested, your available arm is the key to success. It is free to roam, but do not do so in haste. The natural position for this striker arm is across her stomach, clutching her towards you. She has a pleasing mirage that you actually like cuddling, and you are all the while gaining traction. Depending on your relationship with said woman, the striker arm my venture up towards her bosom or down her thigh. If it is a certain fact that the box is already secured, this arm my delve further into unchartered territory.
4. Sub-waist Contact
DO NOT LOSE CONTACT WITH HER BUTTOCKS. You worked hard to get to where you are and you don’t wont those loose-fitting boxers going to waste. Let nature’s blood journey take its course.
5. What Would Chuck Norris Do?
This is one of life’s most important questions and you must revisit it whenever in doubt about your abilities. Confidence is key. You mustn’t fold when your most difficult times are already behind you. If steps 3 and 4 failed to flick her switches, you must take action before she falls asleep and views you as the ultimate cuddle buddy.
Nobody is immune to the neck kiss. So much so that biologists have come to refer to the act as a natural, mild tranquilizer. Start with a “goodnight babe” peck above her back to gauge her reaction. If she doesn’t flinch, she might be an extra terrestrial, in which case efforts to pursue further should be reconsidered.
But if my calculations are correct, and you followed all the necessary steps, you will be on your way to the promised land.