July 15, 2013

Good Flirting Vs. Bad Flirting: A Photo Guide

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What is the issue?

Being playfully mean.

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Shutterstock

Let others’ flirtation strategies resort to lovey-dovey, mushy stuff that’s unbearably cheesy, but nachos*. Flirting doesn’t have to be so serious and tense – the vast majority of people would rather be Jim & Pam than Edward & Bella. Back and forth, lighthearted banter has become a preferred method of interacting with crushes, and the term sarcasm is basically a not-so-distant cousin of the word flirtation. You just have to be sure to gauge the person’s sensitivity levels correctly, otherwise you could cross the line/ruin your chances. Rating: 10/10

* Nachos = not yours, for those who didn’t punderstand.

Emojis.
Good Flirting Vs. Bad Flirting

Texting is such an impersonal method of interaction, but emoticons bridge that gap a bit. The newer phones have a smorgasbord of icons and expressions to choose from — friendly smile, Hubba-hubba-I-like-the-sound-of-that smile, silly wink with the tongue out, flirty wink with puckered lips and a heart, crying with one tear, crying a stream of tears down both eyes, laughing so hard that you’re crying — the level of detail covered by these things is pretty remarkable. If mastered, emoticons are a valuable flirtation asset in a text-heavy world. Rating: 7/10

Social network admiration.

Even the shyest folks can hit  ‘Favorite’ on a Tweet or ‘Like’ a Facebook status. What are we expecting from this though? The person we’re admiring isn’t likely going to see the notification of your approval and be like, “Hey, glad’ja enjoyed the tweet – now how’s about you and I hang out sometime or interact further.” As often as people use subtle clicks to flirt and draw attention, the overall lack of anything actually materializing hurts its score. Rating: 4.5/10

A gentle elbow touch.

Hitch (Widescreen Edition)
Hitch (Widescreen Edition)

If safe and effective flirting is your thing, this should be your go-to move. It’s harmless but affectionate, like a super respectful butt grab. There’s no boundary being violated or harassment committed, just waters being carefully tested. That being said, if someone doesn’t want to be touched by you AT ALL, even a light arm graze will be too much — but in terms of attempting romance with someone who clearly doesn’t find you repulsive, this method is old reliable. Seriously, a pleasant elbow touch is irresistible. I think I’d even let Ann Coulter caress my humerus for a solid 3 minutes before being like, “Wait a second, you’re a terrible human being, please stop that in five.” Rating: 9.5/10

Gentle play fighting.

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Shutterstock

Remember the stuff you did in grade school to get your crush’s attention? A lot of that stuff has managed to find its way into your flirt arsenal all these years later, and gentle tapping, shoving, slapping, etc. is an excuse for physical contact. The most extra frisky flirters will engage in horseplay-esque wrestling, or things that allow them to frolic while they avoid having to flat out admit to liking one another. Rating: 9.8/10

Batting lashes.

Good Flirting Vs. Bad FlirtingPerhaps this was once an option, but it seems like ever since Amanda Bynes did that weird, furrowed lips and odd blink thing, the flirtation market has seen the stock of Fluttering Lashes & Winks Inc. plummet a great deal. After all that work Betty Boop and mascara companies did to make eyelashes and fairly rapid eyelid movements appealing, Bynes negated their valiant efforts in a matter of moments. Can batted lashes ever recover? Can eyelashes maintain their spot as a potential instrument of flirtation? Who knows, really. Maybe it can, maybe it can’t, maybe it will, maybe it won’t and maybe, just maybe it’s Maybelline who has the answers we seek. Until then, batted lashes are liquidating their assets. Rating: 2/10

Tickling.

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Shutterstock

9 ½ out of 10 people do not enjoy tickling. That means that unless you find a down ass midget, you should refrain from trying to draw giggles with those frolicsome fingers. People tend to hate it with a passion; so don’t seek sympathy when you inevitably catch an irritated, stray elbow or foot to the face in the process. Rating: No, seriously, don’t/10

Desperate Facebook message.

Facebook

Even the person Bynes batting their lashes while tickling their crush is a better flirter than the one writing distressed letters on social networks. Private messages can be screen capped or shown to friends, and your dignity is at stake once you press send on eight paragraphs of regret. Not to mention the fact that if you can see your message was read, yet they didn’t respond, you’ll feel like your insides are made of disappointment.
Rating: ✓ Seen at 9:37pm/10

Playing Footsies.

Shutterstock
Shutterstock

Psh, maybe if you’re a character on a 70s sitcom who is trying to be sexy with their love interest this sounds enticing, but not in the new age. This is the generation of SWAG, and if you think scuffing fresh Jordans is cute, well you’re in store for a scolding from that guy in the backwards, fitted hat who takes shirtless selfies at a perfect angle that displays his filtered, tattooed body and shares them, along with a hefty supply of NSFW GIFs & philosophical quotes on his Tumblr. People and their clean kicks want no part in foot related shenanigans. Rating: 1.9/10

Buying things for a person.

Shutterstock
Shutterstock

Whether it’s a drink or a designer bag, buying stuff with the intent of it being flirtation is just an all around bad move. If your go-to routine for interacting with a crush begins with several swipes of your debit card, you are doing flirting wrong, however you can expect to attract some ruthless gold-diggers. Rating: -$35/10

Super sexual, beckoning finger.

Shutterstock & Shutterstock
Shutterstock & Shutterstock

The only two scenarios that I see this magical finger used in is either when someone’s being seductive, or a terrifying horror movie antagonist is summoning their prey (see above). Hopefully you don’t come off as the latter because this seems to have the potential to be a solid, effective option if you, say, want to draw someone onto the dance floor. Double jointed folks rejoice, you have an opportunity to take this to a whole new level. Rating: 7/10

Angrily stomp on person’s clothing when they lean over to tie shoe, then emphatically point and yell dominatrix-style, degrading things.

Shutterstock
Shutterstock

Ah, that fine line between aggressive flirtation and being full-on willing to pin somebody down by the accessories around their neck, while yelling vernacular that sounds like the provocative lyrics of a raunchy Rihanna song. Yeah… Unless you meet this person at a 50 Shades fan club gathering or the part of the sex shop that has restraints, weapons & stuff made of leather, this probably isn’t the greatest idea. That type of thing doesn’t typically rear its head until long after the flirting stage — or when the dominatrix says so before threatening to beat you with a spiked paddle.  Rating: It hurts so good?/10 TC Mark

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