9 Ways To Act Around Your Crush
1. Like They Don’t Exist/You Don’t Notice Them At All
Something about acknowledging a crush’s presence feels so risky. Maybe it’s because you just shuffled through their Mobile Uploads earlier that day. It’s like, you know how much you adore them, therefor doing so much as looking in their general direction would blow your cover. You’d be able to tell just by the glance: That person has imagined in great detail, what it’d be like to date me. Would we go out to dinner a lot? Would we argue? How long would it take to be comfortable farting in front of each other? – everything.
When you know way more than you should about a person, sometimes you have to overcompensate and make an effort to treat them like they’re invisible. That’s the only way they won’t suspect anything. Because who wants their crush to actually know that they like ‘em? I mean, that’s a vulnerable state, and it seems less risky to be a ‘cool’ person who is too enthralled in the rest of the world to have feelings for some measly person.
We hope that our subtle mind-fuckery will eventually lead to some type of interaction – initiated 100% by them. As ridiculous as that sounds, treating people as if they’re invisible is an actual method practiced by secret admirers everywhere.
2. Like You Hate Them
In first grade my friend Chris had THE BIGGEST crush on a girl named Meagan. One day he chucked his lunchbox at her — hard. Super classy stuff, right? Then he laughed at her for crying about it. Now that sounds bad – it is bad — but it was his way of showing affection.
No, my friend’s last name wasn’t Brown, and obviously we shouldn’t do physical things, but banter and hating on your crush are still commonly used techniques. Turning your witty meter on HIGH and being slightly condescending is the objective. Not to the point where you offend or hurt their feelings, but definitely let them know that anything they say will garner a sarcastic response. Something about saying mean things makes it so much easier to interact with the people you adore. The impoliteness serves as a smokescreen that makes it unclear if you secretly like or kind of can’t stand them.
3. As If You’re A Malfunctioning Robot
You knew that one day, if the opportunity to speak to your crush presented itself, you wanted to seize it. There are lines you recited and they played out brilliantly in your daydreams. But suddenly, when in your crush’s presence, you can’t get anything out right. Stuttering Stanley — you’ve been using words and forming complete sentences for years, but suddenly you’re incapable. Repeating things, stumbling over and slurring your words – am I having a stroke?
4. Like You’re Having A Sexual Climax Just From Looking At Them
5. Like They’re Some Unattainable, Esoteric Being
Your crush, whoever they may be, is just a regular human being. I mean, some will have higher social statuses than others, and some will be extra kind, attractive individuals – but in reality, they’re regular-ass-human beings. The thing is, when we have feelings for ‘em, we build an extremely high, super exclusive pedestal and place them on it. It’s the same ridiculous notion that people have of celebrities, as if they don’t eat, sleep and poop like the rest of us.
The key is remembering that we built the pedestal, so we’re capable of demolishing that sh-t and being on their level. Unfortunately that’s easier said than done, so it’s normal to get caught staring at their mouth, mesmerized and enthralled by their every move.
6. Like You Have A Peanut Allergy And They’re The Planters Mascot Guy
As soon as they enter the room, you must exit because you can’t bear to be in close range of your crush. Maybe their scent or presence makes your loins tingle uncontrollably; forcing you to scurry off every time they come around. It makes you look a little nuts – hence, the example chosen.
7. Completely Normal
Damn you and your cool, composed confidence — the rest of us envy you.
8. Like You Have Everything In Common
After extensive research, you have a good understanding of their likes and dislikes, so you can put on an act as if you coincidentally enjoy the same things — even the less common stuff. “Oh, you like Truffaut? The 400 Blows is one of my favorites!” Multiple phrases just like that one will spew from your mouth as you pretend that their obscure interests are your burning passions, and you’d be the perfect person for them to like, come home to everyday and watch TV or listen to music with.
9. However That 15-Year-Old, Masquerading As A Relationship Expert On Yahoo! Answers Advised You To Act
You Google’d the best ways to act around your crush. The search results provided you with tips via Yahoo! Answers. You know they’re not reliable, or rational pieces of advice… but that doesn’t mean you’re not going to try ‘em.
A | A | A
You break it to them as softly as can. They immediately beg you to stay.
As much as I appreciate someone telling me to keep my chin up when going through a hard time, I’m fairly certain I’d rather them let me punch dance out my rage in their backyard.
At their biological core, men are ruled by sexuality. They identify potential mates using their eyes first, while women take a more complicated approach.
You probably thought I was going to recommend Orange Is The New Black but I’m not.