December 10, 2013

Ranking The Girls On This Season Of ‘The Bachelor’ In Order Of How Depressing They Seem

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What is the issue?
The greatest franchise of our time (by which I mean, the-best-excuse-to-get-drunk-with-your-girlfriends-on-a-Monday-night of our time) returns Jan. 6th and I couldn’t be more excited (unless, you know, the new bachelor wasn’t named “Juan Pablo.” ABC put up the list and bios of the women who will be competing for Juany’s heart. Who will be the new Courtney?!? Who will cry about their drying ovaries after they fail to receive the first impression rose?!? I’ve compiled a list to help us meet the new ladies. Here they are ranked in order of how depressing they seem.

1. Clare

The Bachelor Facebook Page
The Bachelor Facebook Page

Clare has never been on a vacation because she didn’t have a boyfriend to go with. Girl. Come on.

2. Amy J

The Bachelor Facebook Page
The Bachelor Facebook Page

Amy J has crazy eyes, bad bangs, AND a name she share’s with another contestant, meaning she’ll be known as “Amy J.” That’s quite the handicap. She’s one of those people that says “I’m grateful for our freedom” when talking about the 4th of July. Also, her “ideal man” is “outgoing and energetic, happy and easy-going” which are personality requirements met by a black lab. Dark.

3. Lauren S

The Bachelor Facebook Page
The Bachelor Facebook Page

Self-identifies as having baby fever.

4. Chelsie

The Bachelor Facebook Page
The Bachelor Facebook Page

Her favorite actress is Sarah Jessica Parker. This means that she has every episode of Sex and the City and is the “Carrie” of her friend group. What a romantic Carrie Bradshaw adventure– embarking to win Juan Pablo’s heart! Coming soon to her blog: “I couldn’t help but wonder if Juan could really be the Juan for me.”

5. Elise

The Bachelor Facebook Page
The Bachelor Facebook Page

Her favorite book is The Secret. Okay, maybe that could be okay except she also doesn’t even understand the concept of the law of attraction? She says, “I thought I was positive before but this book taught me I can’t have whatever it is I want in life.” So I think she is legitimately low intelligence, which is bleak.

6. Maggie

The Bachelor Facebook Page
The Bachelor Facebook Page

“American by birth, southern by the grace of God!”

7. Christine

The Bachelor Facebook Page
The Bachelor Facebook Page

Christine is a “police support specialist” which seems pretty bleak. When asked who she most admires she says “I admire so many people for different reasons” so I’m getting the vibe she is going to be weak and wet blanket-y for the duration of her stay in the Bachelor house.

8. Danielle

The Bachelor Facebook Page
The Bachelor Facebook Page

Danielle legitimately lacks a personality.

9. Ashley

The Bachelor Facebook Page
The Bachelor Facebook Page

Ashley is wearing the ugliest shirt in the history of the world, a spray tan and too much makeup. Bold move, letting your personality be the star like that in a competition based almost entirely on looks at this stage.

If she were stranded on a desert island, Ashley says she would bring: “My soulmate, a machine that turns salt water into drinking water, and an unlimited amount of flint. All I would need…my love, water, and the ability to make fire to cook.”

I predict the crazy is strong with this one.

10. Cassandra

The Bachelor Facebook Page
The Bachelor Facebook Page

Cassandra makes vegan pasta with Zucchini noodles. :(

11. Kylie

The Bachelor Facebook Page
The Bachelor Facebook Page

Her “greatest accomplishment” is “being an extremely involved aunt and arranging my life to be able to help my sister with her daughters while she finishes her nursing program.” That’s really nice of her, and I don’t want to downplay that she seems like a good person, but it just is unequivocally a bit sad when your biggest accomplishment is being the supporting character in someone else’s life.

12. Chantal

The Bachelor Facebook Page
The Bachelor Facebook Page

It has to be said, The Bachelor’s track record on minorities or people named ‘Chantal’ making it to the end sucks.

13. Kelly

The Bachelor Facebook Page
The Bachelor Facebook Page

I’m throwing Kelly in the middle of the pile because while I think her biggest goal, “Start a family – I know in my heart it’s what I’m destined for, to be a mother and wife” is depressing, I recognize that’s some of my own preference. But, for good measure, she also considers Eat Pray Love “inspirational” so there’s that.

14. Alexis

The Bachelor Facebook Page
The Bachelor Facebook Page

Alexis’ life is automatically depressing because her “favorite book” is the bible. I completely respect religious people and there are legit reasons to read the bible or think it’s interesting. But your FAVORITE book? Let’s be real here. You just don’t read. Her life isn’t too far down the depressing list, however, because Home Alone 2 is one of her favorite movies, and we all know that lovable romp is a work of art.

15. Christy

The Bachelor Facebook Page
The Bachelor Facebook Page

This girl is my front runner to be “the bitch” this season. Not as depressing as a nanny, but worried about the secret inner pain that causes her not to care whether she’s getting “good” attention or “bad” attention.

16. Lauren H

The Bachelor Facebook Page
The Bachelor Facebook Page

Lauren’s bio reads as if you put the personalities of 10k women into a blender and pureed them until it was one homogenous, bland drink.

17. Amy L

The Bachelor Facebook Page
The Bachelor Facebook Page

THAT SHIRT. This is a girl who shops at Arden B and ALWAYS has a boyfriend. I’m ranking her closer to the “not depressing” end of the scale because she seems like kind of a badass who stomps all over people. Those people are always delusionally happy.

18. Renee

The Bachelor Facebook Page
The Bachelor Facebook Page

I can tell Renee isn’t a pushover because her pet peeve is guys who can’t make an introduction like an adult. That’s an underrated indicator someone is really immature. She doesn’t seem depressing so far.

19. Valerie

The Bachelor Facebook Page
The Bachelor Facebook Page

Valerie ran a tough mudder which is too impressive to consider her depressing.

20. Victoria

The Bachelor Facebook Page
The Bachelor Facebook Page

Again, she seems tough and cool. Not depressing.

21. Lucy

The Bachelor Facebook Page
The Bachelor Facebook Page

Her best friend is Kate Upton? Damn. Sincerely wonder why she is going on a reality show for love when her girl could hook her up with someone (probably) infinitely more successful and cool. Also, her occupation is “free spirit” which means she is either stupid or ballsy and awesome. Guess we will have to wait and see.

22. Nikki

The Bachelor Facebook Page
The Bachelor Facebook Page

“Is drunk dancing a type?” I’m in love.

23. Andi

The Bachelor Facebook Page
The Bachelor Facebook Page

Andi is an assistant district attorney which is badass, but is somewhat depressing because there’s no way Juan Juan is going to pick someone smarter than him.

24. Alli

The Bachelor Facebook Page
The Bachelor Facebook Page

Does this girl strike anyone else as high-maintenance right off the bat? I think its the button-up, long sleeve shirt in everyone’s mom’s favorite color, burgundy. She’s a nanny which seems bleak to me but she also moved to Australia alone, has a dog, and doesn’t care about getting rained on, so I’ve decided I like her. Team Alli!

25. Sharleen

The Bachelor Facebook Page
The Bachelor Facebook Page

The Bachelor’s first Murakami fan! She’s an opera singer who admire’s her mothers “toughness.” I’m a fan.

26. Lacy

The Bachelor Facebook Page
The Bachelor Facebook Page

Girl is 25 and owns a nursing home. Boss.

27. Kat

The Bachelor Facebook Page
The Bachelor Facebook Page

She backpacked by herself for four weeks in Australia, reads Malcolm Gladwell, but isn’t too pretentious to admit loving Britney Spears. Kat is scoring all chic and no bleak so far. TC mark

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