CLIENT: “I don’t like the type.”
ME: “What don’t you like.”
CLIENT: “I don’t like how it goes all to one side.”
ME: “You mean ranged left.”
CLIENT: “Yes, yes, arranged left.”
ME: “How do you want it?”
CLIENT: “To be the same on both sides.”
CLIENT: “I don’t have to justify anything for you. I own the fucking company.”
CLIENT: “I don’t mean to sound racist, but…”
ME: “But what?”
CLIENT: “But the site is too black.”
ME: “Like, literally too black?”
CLIENT: “Yes. The background is too black.”
ME: “That’s not racist. That has nothing to do with race.”
CLIENT: “Phew. I can never tell with you black people, what’s offensive and what’s not.”
ME: “I’m actually Lebanese. And, yeah, that one might be a bit racist.”
I was at the airport, ready to leave for vacation when I got a panicked phone call from a client. She stated that the video I sent her – part of a large marketing campaign – was missing the sound. After a lot of shouting and threats on her part, I agreed to go to her office try and fix it.
After being escorted into her office, I played the video and double-checked her computer’s sound options. Then I unplugged her headphones. Then I billed her for my missed flight.
At 3am, after finishing a website template for a client who had to have it “by 6am their time,” I sent an email letting her know that it was finished. The next day I get a call:
CLIENT: I don’t appreciate you staying out all night when you should be working on my project.
ME: I’m sorry? I was working all last night. As you can see, I sent you an e-mail –
CLIENT: I see that. At 3am. Do you think it’s okay to party all night and then work without sleep at 3am? It’s very unprofessional and morally reprehensible.
ME: What makes you think I was out partying?
CLIENT: Why else would you be up at 3am?
ME: You gave my 24 hours to do 18 hours of work. I had to stay up
CLIENT: Don’t try to use math on me!
After sending two invoices for payment, I sent another and called the client when the receipt that they had received it came back.
CLIENT: Why are you calling me?
ME: You haven’t paid and this is the third invoice I’ve sent.
CLIENT: It’s even more than the last one!
ME: Yes. The contract you signed stated that I would add a late fee for payment.
CLIENT: You mean I have to actually pay you? I thought you were joking!
ME: What on earth made you think that?
CLIENT: You’re a freelancer!
CLIENT: Well, you work for free! If you were supposed to be paid, you’d be called a paidlancer or something!
CLIENT: I’m not too sure about the blue…
ME: Actually, that’s green.
CLIENT: Who’s the client?
CLIENT: And what color is it?
CLIENT: Right. Now let me see what other shades of blue we have.
We settled on pine-tree ”blue.”
Client: Can we change the heading font to more acrylic?
Client: Can we change it to more of an acrylic style font? You know, like slantways.
Me: Oh, you mean italic?
Client: No, I think its acrylic, please don’t correct me again. The slanty-‘i’ in word, you know. For acrylic.
“The gold you used looked great on my monitor at home, but here at my work computer it looks like it’s orange! If you could make it look more like gold, just on my work computer, that would be great… I’ll just be in the other room checking people’s computer’s to see if theirs need to be ‘golded’ too.”
ME: “I hate to be the one to notify you, but your delivery failed. You provided the wrong address… UPS couldn’t find your office and was unable to contact you.”
CLIENT: “Well, we can’t be expected to give out our correct information to everyone on the internet!”
I need you to make a web ad. The title of this year’s bash is “GET WICKED AT WORK!” (this should be big and bold and really pop)
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 29th (please have the date really stand out as well)
COSTUME CONTEST! (this should really pop)
I also attached logos to go on the ad (please make the logos stand out a bunch)
Also, a plus-one is optional (really make this stand out. I want to get the point across.)
CLIENT: “I’m looking at using a combined Blue & Red color that is neither Blue or Red. I would appreciate it if you could check with a few printing experts to see if they can suggest anything.”
ME: “Purple. You—you mean purple.”
CLIENT: “My internet isn’t working, and I need to check my flight number, and my stocks, etc.”
ME: “What are you emailing me from?”
CLIENT: “What do you mean? A computer obviously.”
(6 minutes pass while I wait for him to put it together)
CLIENT: “Hello? Are you going to help me or not??”
CLIENT: I want you to change my Facebook profile to a page.
ME: Okay. I’ll need your email login and password.
The client sends me login information, but when I try to log in, no account information was found under that email address. I tried another email I know she uses, and the email was linked to her account but the password was incorrect.
ME: That email and password didn’t work. Do you have the correct password?
CLIENT: I don’t know my password. I’m always logged in, so I don’t remember it. Please change my password to the one I just sent you.
ME: I can’t change anything until I log in. You can change your password if you log out and try to recover a new one.
CLIENT: But if I log out, I’ll never be able to log back in again because I don’t know my password. Can’t you just change it?
My uncle contacted me about doing three or four illustrations for his organization’s website. He said the work would be paid and we agreed on my price, adjusted for family. We corresponded and discussed what he wanted and what I was doing, with copies of my progress sent every now and then to keep his mind at ease.
I sent over some work when we were about 75% complete so he could see how it was coming along.
CLIENT: What are these?
ME: Illustrations, like you asked me to do.
CLIENT: Actually, we were hoping for you to redesign the website. These are nice though.
ME: Well, I can redesign the website too, but I’ll have to charge a separate fee for that.
CLIENT: I spoke to some of the other guys in the company. We were hoping that you’d do it for free, because you like the company.
ME: But you said this was paid work.
CLIENT: Only to get you interested.
CLIENT: We love the ads you guys have been doing. Sales are up 50% since they started running last month. Whatever you guys have been doing, keep doing it.
ME: Great. Does that mean the new ad is approved for print?
CLIENT: No, it sticks to the formula and is more of the same. Here’s a list of changes we’d like to see.
Client: “The future is where everything is going.”
CLIENT: Listen you f***ers – our website is all fuzzy. I don’t know what you’ve done but it is totally f***ing fuzzy.
ME: I think you might have problems with your internet connection. What you’re seeing is some of the images progressively downloading and –
CLIENT: Don’t give me any of that nerdy numpty nancy boy mumbo jumbo. All the pictures look like shit. If you don’t believe me go on the site and you’ll f***ing see.
ME: No, you’re confused – you see, if the images…
CLIENT: Listen f***er, I’ve got better things to do than…
A long, long pause follows.
CLIENT: …Oh wait, you’ve fixed it.
ME: Do you have a copy of your logo you can send me?
CLIENT: Just use any picture of an oil well from the internet as our logo.
CLIENT: Would it be okay if I paid you in a month?
ME: That’s fine, the invoice is has a 30 day pay period.
CLIENT: Great, that’s when my Kickstarter will be finished and I’ll have money to blow.
CLIENT: The design looks great! But we want the call to action to really stand out. So bold and underline this line of text, then this one, and finally, this one.
ME: Those three lines of text are the only thing in the entire copy.
CLIENT: We think that this will make it really clear which one is most important.
ME: By bolding and underlining everything?
CLIENT: Yeah, what aren’t you getting here?
CLIENT: It is imperative that we have all of this ready to roll by the time of my April Newsletter, which I wanted out by April 10th. So please expedite this as much as you can.
The email was sent to us on April 13th.
CLIENT: Could you do anything about the background? It looks too old.
ME: You mean the broken down abandoned house you took pictures in?
CLIENT: Yea, could you make it look newer. The peeling paint and plant covered bricks are a little too much for me.
ME: So you want the house to look modern?
CLIENT: Or futuristic. Or both!
ME: In order to access the content management system, I need you to open your web browser. Once it’s open, you can type the address into the URL bar.
CLIENT: Ok, it’s open – but where is this bar?
ME: There should be a blank bar at the top of your browser window where you can input a web address.
CLIENT: I know that. But where is this bar? I opened my browser and there is no bar.
ME: There should be a section below your “File, Edit, View, Window” options bar on your browser that allows you to type in addresses and surf the web.
CLIENT: Listen I have no idea what you are talking about! There is no bar on my screen. I don’t see any place for a web address.
ME: What options are at the top of your browser?
CLIENT: File, Edit, Format, Table, a copy and paste button, my fonts… None of this URL business!
ME: Wait, are you in Microsoft Word?
CLIENT: Yeah, why?
I do photography on the side, and have done a friend’s family portraits for the past five years. I noticed recently that my friend and her mother were promoting her new boyfriend’s “awesome” photography. His album (titled ‘family’) was a mix of the past 5 years of my photographs, with his watermark stamped on top of them.
ME: I’m very happy you like the logo! What kind of files would you like it in?
CLIENT: We’d actually like you to just make us a website from that logo.
ME: Oh, I actually don’t do websites. I don’t know how to code.
CLIENT: Surely you can code. I used to make up codes all the time as a child. It should be EASY for you.
CLIENT: Go ahead! Try it!