1. Tory Burch flats.
“My parents live in a McMansion that cost exactly 749,000 dollars, and don’t you goddamn forget it.”
2. “Sassy” Danskos.
“I am a 23-year-old nursing student named Crystal who smokes Kools.”
3. Gold-heeled stilettos.
“I cannot wait to stand outside the club in 20-degree weather tonight wearing nothing but a Forever 21 minidress and the jacket of one of the guys in my friend group. Also, I would like a vokka soda with lime please.”
“If I am wearing a North Face and yoga pants with these, then my name is Ashley and I am a junior at a mid-range state university majoring in communications. If I am wearing these with an otherwise normal outfit, then I am hungover and trying not to throw up as I walk to the bodega in the bitter cold.”
5. Spiked ballet flats.
“I have to walk too much today to wear my Litas, but I need something that goes with my angular, in-your-face Zara jacket and my daytime smokey eye.”
“Please,” [takes deep hit of clove cigarette] “I have over 2,000 Tumblr followers. I think I know about fashion. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to get my cutoff jorts and torn-up American flag shirt to wear to my music festival tomorrow. Also, you don’t know where they sell flower crowns around here, do you?”
7. Bridal Toms.
“Just because I’m taking a day off of arguing about bike lanes and getting thigh tattoos of world maps to get married does not mean my ethics have changed. My bridal shoes are sustainable, or they are not welcome in my life.”
“I own Louboutins. Please ask me about my Louboutins.”
9. All-white Keds.
“Sometimes, when I’m really sad, I french braid my hair and listen to Taylor Swift songs about breakups. Also, I am the kind of girl who is capable of keeping white Keds relatively clean and bright. Also also, these make my legs look tan as hell.”
10. Beige sneaker wedges.
“You guys can definitely have a drink or two in the house. I know you’re going to do it anyway, you might as well do it where I can see you. Come on, I’m not like other moms!”