5 Embarrassing Things Everyone Does In The Shower
1. Carry on one-person conversations.
While it is slightly more understandable as the preparation for an argument — and even then, it’s strange — there is something about being in the shower that just makes you talk to yourself. Maybe you’re interviewing yourself for some incredible accomplishment, maybe you’re practicing how you’re going to sound nonchalant around your crush (because nothing says “carefree” like a “hello” you’ve rehearsed 87 times). In any case, the shower is the place where we break new grounds of “Good god, I hope no one can hear this” by living out rich personal and professional dramas in the form of talking to oneself.
Bonus points if you actually use different voices/accents for the different people in the imaginary conversation. That is a prestigious level of shower insanity.
2. Stand completely still for extended periods of time.
Even though you are constantly getting on your roommates for indiscriminately using up all of the hot water, if you are the first one to arrive and it is a chilly day, you are just going to lap all that precious water heat up like a manatee that broke into a sauna. What is the greatest activity that one can perform at 7:15 in the morning when all you want to do is crawl back into bed and go to sleep? Why, that would be “falling asleep for about five minutes while standing up under the precious hot water and thinking about how it feels like a million tiny orgasms all over your body.” You would never admit that you spend most of your shower time just standing still, but your withered-up prune hands have a different story.
3. Sing songs that are several octaves out of your range.
There’s that moment where you attempt to sing the chorus of some Queen song and have to start over about 17 times because, even though your vocal chords were never meant to make those noises, you’re like “Fuck it, the steam will open up my throat and the acoustics in here are on-point. I’ll do this.” Let’s all hold hands and pray that your assertion of “no one is home” was correct and there isn’t some poor roommate that has to listen to “I want to ride my bicycleeeeeee” over and over for as long as the water heater has some juice left in it.
4. Put off shaving so long that you just don’t do it.
This one is geared a bit more towards the ladies, clearly, but it is an important point to make. Shaving is an enormous fucking hassle, and so much of tired, early-morning showers are spent putting off the more hassle-y parts of the shower experience. You have to, like, bend your leg up on a raised surface and evenly apply cream and shave two entire columns of skin (God forbid you actually go for the upper-thigh baby hairs, those shits are impossible and you are the real hero if you attack those things on a regular basis). So sometimes you just put it off so far into the shower that you’re like, “Ehhh, it’s cold-ish and I’m single. I’m just gonna wear pants.” And that doesn’t make you weird, it makes you real.
5. Plot murderous revenge on whoever ran out the water.
There is no feeling worse than realizing that you are quickly running out of hot water and are only halfway through your shower. Even if you only yesterday spent a full 20 minutes staring at the tile pattern while scalding-hot water rained upon you, the rage you feel towards the unsympathetic bastard who used it all up is unmatched. You plan on walking out ass-naked, throwing a bottle of shaving cream at their head, and screaming about how you’re not going to take their selfish bullshit anymore. Then maybe you throw them out the window into oncoming traffic, or something. ‘
Cut to the moment when you actually leave the bathroom, and your real plan of attack is passive-aggressively slamming your bedroom door as you go to change and muttering something about how cold it is in here.
TC Reader Exclusive: The Patron Social Club gets you invited to cool private parties in your city. Join here.
A | A | A
If you’ve been looking for a chance to say something then this very well could be it.
I wish to God I’d had a list like this when I was 23.
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”