October 9, 2012

32 Things Guaranteed To Make You Feel Bad

1. Obsessing over fashion magazines filled with airbrushed people you will never look like and ridiculous clothes you will never be able to afford.

2. Calling or texting that person you know is only interested in you for sex, letting them humiliate you yet again by not responding.

3. Actually caring what other people think about your taste in music/movies/books.

4. Watching literally anything on the Bravo channel. (No matter how we enjoy their reality shows, they are to the soul what acid rain is to a delicate rose.)

5. Not eating something you want to eat because you think someone else will disapprove/judge you. Don’t let anyone get you down — if you want that cupcake, you eat it. Just feel sorry for the bitter peasant who is too caught up in image to enjoy one, too.

6. Writing an ex that you know all too well how much you need to be leaving in the past.

7. Doing that extra shot when you’re already way past the point of no return. You’ll have to deal with that awful post-shot ~20 seconds in which you’re not sure if you’re actually going to vomit right there and you just need to kind of stand in silence and breathe heavily and everyone’s like “OMG ARE YOU ALRIGHT WHAT’S WRONG DO YOU WANT SOMETHING” and you’re just thinking, “If this bitch does not get out of my face with that glass of water I’m going to throw up on her.”

8. Facecreeping people you don’t even like, just because they’re so beautiful that looking at their pictures gives you some weird, masochistic satisfaction.

9. Making a resolution to do something and letting it fade away. Come on, at least let the flossing manifesto carry through for two weeks.

10. Hate-reading willfully obtuse blogs that make you want to throw your laptop across your room in blind rage.

11. Shopping at Walmart.

12. Canceling plans on someone at the last minute. (Or, at least, it should make you feel bad. If you’re one of those people who just runs around breaking commitments willy-nilly, someone should take away your Grown Up Card and make you sit in the corner for the rest of the day.)

13. Going to a party that you are not interested in, only because it’s filled with “cool” people or “the right” networking opportunities.

14. Squeezing into clothes that blatantly don’t fit you and wearing them around all day simply because you don’t want to admit to having gone up a size.

15. Buying ill-fitting clothes because, even though there is no possible way you are ever going to comfortably get them on your body, you just can’t let this sale pass you by. Enjoy staring longingly at your unwearable jacket for the rest of your life, fool.

16. Passing out after a night of heavy drinking without a) chugging a glass of water, b) brushing your teeth or c) removing your clothes.

17. Spending lots of money to eat out every day on your lunch break. (You’ll look at your account one day and be like “Hold on, those fish taco plates only cost seven dollars! This is impossible!” Of course, it will dawn on you that even seven dollars — when spent every day — ends up being around a million zillion at the end of the month.)

18. Not getting enough exercise/fresh air during the day, as you are making steady progress on transforming into a barnacle attached somewhere between your bed and your laptop.

19. Going fact-finding about your ex’s new significant other. Does it really matter? You know that you’re going to hate the new person no matter what, why trouble yourself with finding out that they have a great job in marketing and perfectly symmetrical dimples? Why?

20. Buying insanely overpriced furniture that you absolutely cannot afford because you think it will take your apartment to some imaginary “next level.”

21. This goes double for a designer accessory that cost more than a month’s rent and announces its price tag with its gaudy logo plastered everywhere.

22. Hanging out with your faux-friend who is far too cool for you and responds to everything with a sense of smug, disdainful amusement.

23. Paying more than 12 dollars for a cocktail, pretty much under any circumstance. (I’d say 10, but then some of you would be like “But Chelseaaaaaa, the craft mixologist bar down the street, so worth the price, blah blah blah,” so whatever. 12.)

24. Leaving passive-agressive/sarcastic comments on the Facebook posts of someone you don’t really like but are nonetheless ‘friends’ with. (Okay, sometimes this feels amazing, but it really shouldn’t. We are terrible people.)

25. Not holding the door open for someone who then has it slam in their face behind you, and you want to be like “I’m sorry but you were at awkward door-holding distance! I’m sorry!”

26. Comparing your body and ability to get in shape with celebrity moms who fit back into their size-zero jeans literally three weeks after having a baby for a bikini cover shoot.

27. Kissing someone while out at the bar/party that you don’t even want to kiss in the slightest, just because you don’t want to be lonely. (This also applies to sex, but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you don’t actually engage in full coitus while at the bar — though, let’s be real, I don’t know your life.)

28. Nitpicking/being terrible to your significant other simply because you’ve had a bad day and want an emotional punching bag.

29. Ignoring your parents’ calls/emails/texts for extended periods of time.

30. Holding a grudge against a friend long after you should have let it go.

31. Eating leftovers in the refrigerator you know aren’t yours but just looks so incredibly delicious. You are going to have to face some Righteous Roommate Wrath when they get home in a few hours, and you just better sit there and look contrite like a dog who peed on the new white carpet.

32. Showing up to a BYOB party empty-handed. “Hey, guys, don’t mind me. Just came to bum off of everyone else and be a general tumor on everyone’s resources for a few hours. Someone pass me a beer.” TC mark

 

image – Binu Kumar