February 28, 2012

The 10 Worst Rap Lyrics Of All Time

Report This Article
What is the issue?
I’m a big fan of hip hop. (But really, what middle-class, sheltered, suburban white kid isn’t?) It’s an amazing, incredibly versatile genre. To briefly give myself some cred (lol), some of my favorite artists include Atmosphere, Brother Ali, and Murs. Now that you all know I’m extremely cultured and have incredibly good taste when it comes to rap, I feel I speak with some authority on the lyrics that have most spectacularly missed the mark in terms of rhyme scheme, content, and general literacy. Here, in no particular order, the wordsmiths and their craft that should probably not get their rapper license renewed this year.

1. Young Dro, “Shoulder Lean”

My girl got a girlfriend, Chevy blue like whirlwind
N*gga it’s a drought on that boy, so I got that girl in
Pearl Bent’, cockin’ hammer, Arm & Hammer propaganda
B*tches think I’m pimpin’ and leanin’ in salamander sandal

It must be said, first of all, that whoever managed to decipher and fully write out the lyrics to this song should clearly be in the running for the next Nobel Prize in literature. I officially nominate “Shoulder Lean” for the most unintelligible rap song I’ve ever heard. “Cockin’ hammer, Arm & Hammer propaganda”? Apparently that is some reference to baking soda used to make crack cocaine, but it could not be more out of place in an otherwise completely unrelated passage. The second line in its entirety makes absolutely zero sense, along with the assertion that his Chevy is “whirlwind blue.” I like to think of Dro, and his completely absurd lyrics, as Dadaist, making fun of my fruitless attempts to translate these words. Maybe his next album will just be entirely cat noises. Also, I google image’d “salamander sandals” and got nothing but the most unfortunate Birkenstock-light mom shoes I’ve ever seen. Good one, Dro.

2. Gudda Gudda (with Young Money), “Bedrock”

I like the way you walkin’ if you walkin’ my way
I’m that red bull, now let’s fly away
Let’s buy a place with all kinds of space
I’ll let you be the judge and I’m the case
I’m Gudda Gudda, I put her under
I see me with her, no Stevie Wonder
She don’t even wonder, cause she know she bad
And I got her, n*gga. Grocery bags

Apparently the hallowed Young Money tradition of saying a sentence and then saying a word at the end of it that typifies or explains the previous sentence — Nicki Minaj being the most frequent offender, of course — has finally reached it’s low point with “I got her, n*igga. Grocery bags.” Not only does this make absolutely no sense in any context, it’s just so incredibly lazy. The way he delivers this verse just sounds like he’s waiting in line at the post office. It makes me almost sad, in a way. Poor Gudda.

3. Yung Berg (with Ray J), “Sexy Can I”

I don’t care who’s ya boy hittin, or who Ray’s melon
When I give it to her, I know that she ain’t tellin’
See I’m a go get and she a go get
You already know she…

Despite being the one and only semi-popular song from ultimate hipster Ray J (slaying Kim Kardashian before it was cool), it’s really Yung Berg here who shines. Clearly no one ever confused the man for Mozart, but could these lyrics be more lackluster? “I’m a go get, she a go get.” Why? Why? Also, can someone cooler please explain to me what Ray’s melon means? Google remains inconclusive.

4. Lil Mama, “Lip Gloss”

MAC, L’Oreal, yep, ’cause I’m worth it
Love the way I puts it on so perfect
Wipe the corners of my mouth so I work it
When I walk down the hallway, they can’t say nothin’

I can’t decide which is worse about this, the fact that she references wiping the film that forms at the corner of her lips so she looks sexy, or the fact that “they can’t say nothin'” rhymes with absolutely nothing in this song. Speaking of all of this, what happened to Lil Mama? Does anyone know? Do we no longer speak her name in public?

5. Soulja Boy (with Arab), “Yahhh”

(Hey, SoulJa Boy, can I get your autograph?) Yahhh, trick, Yahhh!
(Yo, Arab, I really like you, man) Yahhh, trick, Yahhh!
(Are there any 30 boyz that…) Yah, Yah, trick, yah yahhh!
(Yeah, I was wonderin, can I be on your next…) yahhh, yahhh, trick!

Get out my face, ho
Get out my face, ho
Get out my face, ho
Get out my face, ho
Get out my face, ho
Get out my face, ho
Get out my face, ho
Get out my face (Yahhh!)

Soulja Boy is a multi-millionaire.

6. Lil’ Wyte, “My Smoking Song”

I never frown as long as that Mary Jane is all up in my system
Too bad you miss them 
What
Them six blunt that we turned to victims
Its on again

I think we can safely say that Lil’ Wyte is the absolute embodiment of every white guy who wore JNCO jeans, loved ICP, and drank Hennessy in high school. He is that guy, times a million, rapping about how much weed he likes to smoke. “I never frown as long as that Mary Jane is all up in my system,” is a strange, almost endearing combination of what a 12-year-old would say about weed and the rhythm of a broken carburetor. One can only imagine the level of white boi teenager that must crank this song to the highest possible volume in his Honda Civic with bullet-hole stickers and subs he bought on Craigslist. One can only imagine.

7. Nicki Minaj, “Stupid Hoe”

You a stupid hoe, you a, you a stupid hoe (x3)
You a stupid hoe, (yeah) you a, you a stupid hoe
You a stupid hoe, you a, you a stupid hoe (stupid, stupid)
You a stupid hoe, you a, you a stupid hoe (stupid, stupid)
You a stupid hoe, you a, you a stupid hoe (stupid, stupid)
(stupid, stupid)

Sometimes I get into really serious, intense conversations with friends of mine who try to present the argument that Nicki Minaj is not only a good rapper, she has also taken the mini-genre that Lil’ Kim started and improved it — made it even more addictive and interesting. I listen to them, and then I think of this song, and I just get really, really sad. The fact that people could even say Nicki Minaj and Lil’ Kim in the same sentence is ridiculous, to be frank. And it’s funny, you don’t think a word as loaded as “hoe” could be heard to the point of completely losing all meaning, but I’d say that’s been accomplished here. Hats off, I suppose. 

8. Aaron Carter, “Aaron’s Party (Come Get It)”

The door bell rings cuz the party’s here
I’m crankin up the stereo like it’s New Year
Walkin’ ’round the house like who’s Da Man
(Can’t nobody do it like Aaron can)

I’ll be honest, I just wanted to include this so we could be reminded, if only for a moment, that Aaron Carter existed. He existed, and we loved him. Oh, god, did we ever love him. We wanted him to walk around our house like “Who’s Da Man?” We wanted him and his shiny silver puff pants to dance for our entertainment. Also, I truly appreciate that he says “Oh, dag! I’m in trouble!” as though “damn” was too offensive, but “dang” still appealed to the wrong crowd, so they had to take it down one more notch on the Disney-approved scale of expletives. Oh, Aaron.

9. Gucci Mane, “Lemonade”

Lemonade diamond bracelet, put it in ur face (BURR)
Lemonhead diamond earrings I wore yesterday (BURR)
Im pimpin where im winnin, thats just how I’m chillin
Im smokin grits and sellin chickens, corvette painted lemons

This song is so unfair, in that it blatantly uses the little kids singing the chorus/rap combination that just melts my steely little heart, yet is such a terrible song. I mean, I’ll be honest, I listen to it every now and again, but I always feel like I need a shower afterward. Gucci is just such a bad rapper in every song, it almost hurts to listen to him. You can feel your brain cells actively turning off and refusing to be party to this kind of dumbing down. Burr! Anyway, “Im pimpin where im winnin, thats just how I’m chillin.” Who actually writes these and thinks, “Not only do they make sense as lyrics, they’re also the kind of witty social commentary that will skyrocket me to ice cream facial tattoo levels of success!”? Gucci, I guess. I would also like to know how one smokes grits or sells chickens, if possible.

10. Waka Flocka Flame (with Wale and Roscoe), “No Hands”

Well I’m tryna to hit the hotel with two girls that’s wide awake
Take this d*ck and swallow bay mascato got her freaky
Hey you got me in a trance, you take of yo pants
You pop on a handstand you got me sweating please pass me a fan DAMN!

It really pains me to add this song to the list, as it features certified nice guy and DC representative Wale whom I love and am convinced knows me personally because I have seen him twice at bars in the District and even once said hello (Y U NO ANSWER MY LOVETWEETS, WALE?!). Anyway, even he is kind of lackluster in this song, if that’s any indication of how bad the whole thing is. It’s Waka, however, who takes the cake in the horrendous lyric department. He requires his female prospects to be conscious, which is undeniably a good thing, but it doesn’t seem like he has much good in store for her — she can expect to take off her pants and do a handstand for his entertainment, which seems just about the least fun thing you can do with a partner in a hotel room. But I don’t know, maybe I’m picky.

Yeah, I’m probably just picky. TC mark

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 64,281 other followers