28 Signs You’re A Hipster
1. You get mad when people post videos or articles about played-out trends on your Facebook wall, because people might actually think you still think things like the Harlem Shake are cool.
2. You often find yourself resisting the overwhelming temptation to say “their older albums were better” when people ask you if you’ve heard a cool new song.
3. You judge people for driving.
4. When you read articles about things like gentrification, you get a little knot in your stomach because you know, on some level, it’s referring to you and your friends.
5. That still isn’t going to discourage you from moving to Harlem and/or Bushwick.
6. The most exciting thing that’s happened to you in recent memory is a Trader Joe’s/Whole Foods opening up in your neighborhood, and you kind of don’t care how many row houses were evicted and demolished to put it up.
7. Several of your friends are bartenders at hole-in-the-wall bars, and at least one of them frequently says things along the lines of “Beer is the new wine.”
8. You know what a barista jam is, and have possibly been to one/dated someone who went to one.
9. You get pissed at your local coffee shop for not knowing what a “flat white” is.
10. You have gotten so into cycling that the majority of your disposable income now goes into buying new gear for your longer rides and parts for your bike.
11. There is rarely a dinner conversation that goes by where you don’t mention the fact that your city does not have nearly enough combinations for cyclists, and how frustrated you are with the city council’s inactivity on the subject.
12. You actively choose to wear glasses that you know don’t flatter your face just because they’re big and obnoxious.
13. If you’re a women, you wear crowns of flowers with your outfits as though that is somehow a thing normal human beings do.
14. You get really into things like wine and tea even though you don’t really care about them, simply because you want to know a lot about it and be “the wine guy,” or “the tea guy.”
15. You live in an awesome apartment that your parents pay for even though you have a job yourself, because using your own means to pay for it would mean downgrading.
16. You are a part-time DJ.
17. You constantly refer to bars and restaurants as being “too pedestrian” or “too full of tourists,” even if they are not at all a tourist spot.
18. You have an iPhone, yet can’t afford basic groceries.
19. You constantly bum cigarettes off of people while out drinking yet claim that you “don’t smoke.”
20. You feel the need to reiterate how much you would not eat the junk food or fast food that someone else is eating while they’re eating it.
21. You own a pair of pastel Doc Martens.
22. You participate in Movember year-round.
23. Your profile pictures look like they were shot and art directed by Terry Richardson.
24. You own at least one coffee table book with vaguely pornographic art/photographs.
25. No matter what is going in life, no matter what you’re facing, you always magically have money for drugs.
26. You talk about how much you hate American Apparel, yet all your clothes look like they came from there.
27. At least one your profile pictures is you smiling with a bunch of impoverished children in Africa/South America/Southeast Asia.
28. You try to re-thrift your thrift shop clothes, and are rejected because they fall below Goodwill standards.
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If you’re looking for something a little more than a time waster, with some substance, there has never been a better time to get a handheld console.
5. They hold the phone like a walkie talkie.
“I’ll rub your back until you fall asleep.”
Translation and rationalization of unsatisfactory text messages.