1. You don’t hold the door open for others when entering restaurants because that would just be another person getting served before you. Real talk, everyone should anticipate having to open Chipotle’s doors for themselves – all courteousness gets you is a lengthier wait for your burrito bowl.
2. When people crack open a fortune cookie strictly to read their kind words aloud, you don’t care to hear and just sit there like, are you going to eat that though?
3. You eat the middle of the plate nachos relentlessly. Everyone knows the center chips tend to have heaps of cheese, meat and other deliciousness piled on ‘em, and you deal with those topping drenched nachos exclusively, leaving plain tortilla chips for everyone else.
4. Your Instagram and social network photo albums are littered with more pictures of your lunches and dinners than friends and family. Your niece is cute and all, but you’d rather show off that amazing slice of deep-dish pizza.
5. When people fail you (e.g. a bad breakup), you use eating as a coping mechanism. Food is so reliable and it will never leave you or break your heart. Well technically it does exit your body and the wrong kinds can cause your heart to stop functioning, but still, if you’re going to risk out heart, you’d rather it come from french-fries than feelings.
6. You’ve gone on a date, not because you thought that person was boyfriend/girlfriend material, but because you wanted a potentially free dinner.
7. When friends invite you somewhere, for example a party, you don’t ask who will be in attendance, but you do inquire about what kind of edibles will be in the vicinity.
8. You’ve put the lives of other drivers at stake by trying to steer your vehicle and eat food that requires two hands and 1/3 of your attention simultaneously. Also, my use of the word “stake” made you think, “mmm, steak.”
9. When asked about your mom or dad you don’t describe their loving ways or wonderful personalities, the high praise of their abilities in the kitchen are what you lead with.
10. When there’s only one of something left, you’re eating it without hesitation, and not so much as considering anyone else’s taste buds or appetite. One slice of pizza left? One taco left? You’ve got to be aggressive and do you. Get in the right state of mind: It’s this piece of red velvet cake’s season finale, I am that episode’s end credits. Produced by nom nom nom, starring ME.
11. You have no patience for sluggish people moving leisurely through crosswalks, but you’d wait five hours for some succulent, slow roasted, fall off the bone chicken.
12. You find dieting more difficult than dating, and that’s mainly because you actually care about food whereas meeting people isn’t a high priority.
13. Recipes are like erotic readings for you, and watching Paula Deen’s food porn does more to get you worked up than any adult website showing human intercourse ever could.
14. The amount of miles you’re willing to go across town for a friend in need of a favor is less than or equal to the lengths you’d travel for your favorite meal, that you can only get at the place across town. For example, if a friend of mine gets a flat tire twenty minutes away, they might be out of luck, but I’ll always drive forty-five minutes across town for my beloved BBQ rib joint.
15. You go out to eat delicious food despite being unable to tip decently. This also makes you a complete jackass, because the people serving you are likely dependent on tips. That being said, you clearly care more about a good meal than that waiter’s ability to pay their bills.
16. You’ll eat foods that you know make you extremely flatulent, then have no shame torturing anyone around you for the next few hours with unheard of, unsmelt of gassiness.
17. When a friend trips and plummets to the ground, colliding with a solid surface, you laugh immediately. When a plate of food falls face down, you have to fight back tears.
18. You can make a firm decision about not liking a person within moments, but you’re willing to eat food that fell on the floor and is probably covered in bacteria because of the 10-second rule.
19. When you think about the possibility of a zombie apocalypse or some sort of disaster striking earth, your biggest concern is what type of food would be available and how you’d survive without chain restaurant happy hour appetizers and the ability to freeze, microwave, boil, or oven cook things via a lack of electricity.
20. You’ve passed or held off on visiting someone in the hospital because you hate the food there. Those cafeterias just aren’t up to your quality of meal standards.
21. The picture of a baby makes you go, meh, but the photo of a cheeseburger is going to be on your mind for the rest of the day, until you inevitably go get one of your own.
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