HI, IT’S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU! OH MY GOSH, HOW’VE YOU BEEN?! HOW’S THE (fill in unrealistic dream they used to pursue) WORKING OUT? ARE YOU SEEING ANYBODY? (Even though you already know from reliable sources that they’re seeing everybody.) Blah, blah, blah – lots of asking generic questions and hating all of the answers, no matter what is said. Keep wearing that smile, nodding your head and treating them like an elementary student who’s telling you about all the fun things they did at school today. It’ll all be over soon.
2. Like They’re Dead People And You’ve Only Got 5 Of The Senses.
Dang it! If only you had super-rare sixth sense abilities – then you’d be able to acknowledge your ex’s existence. Instead you’ll look around as if every area of the room that they aren’t standing in has some crazy, interesting festivity going on. Treat them like that crazy, chatty person on the bus, who you know is staring at you, so you refrain from looking in their vicinity at all costs, closing any potential opening for them to speak to you.
3. Like Michael Cera In All Of His Acting Roles.
Basically just be as awkward and uncomfortable as possible. Shakiness in your voice, shifty body movements, no eye contact for longer than 0.5 seconds – things of that nature. Your uneasiness will be contagious, making your ex feel rather strange as well, hopefully limiting the interaction so you can get out of their before the pit sweat leaks to your chest.
4. Collapse And/Or Hyperventilate.
Warning: This is absolutely not a good look, but maybe it’ll garner some attention and sympathy (the bad kind) if that’s what you’re seeking.
5. Like You’re Trying Out For Olympic Race-Walking
When spotting an ex, we might feel the urge to sprint in the opposite direction, but that would probably look pretty silly. Still, there is an option if you need a casual but hasty exit routine. Utilize the Olympic Race-Walking method. If you haven’t seen it, it’s basically like that classic, I’ve-got-to-go-to-the-bathroom-RIGHT-NOW tiptoe movement. Just be careful if you do this when intoxicated at the bar or club, because it could go down something like this:
6. Like They’re A Celebrity And You’re TMZ Paparazzi Asking Invasive Questions.
It’s blatant evidence that you still care about that person, and it goes a little something like this:
Hey, so there are numerous reports that you were spotted necking with a tall brunette the other day, and she was seen leaving your apartment the next morning, is there any truth to that? Are you dating? Are you exclusive? Huh?! HUH?!
7. Like There’s A Musical Score To Your Life And This Is An Emotional Movie Scene.
It’s probably something powerful, like Breathe Me by Sia or just a random combination of piano keys that sound really depressing together. Whatever the tune, it’ll turn you into an emotional wreck, struggling to keep it together. Sometimes there’s beauty in the breakdown… This probably isn’t going to be one of those times though, damn it.
8. Like You’re Completely Fine With Your Decision To Wear Bleach-Stained Sweat Pants And An Oversized Shirt To The Grocery Store.
Who am I wearing tonight? Well, these lovely sweats were made by Costco annnd this 2XL shirt is by OktoberFest 2007, no big deal. I’ve talked before about how going out dressed carelessly almost always leads to a significant run in, and when it does there’s really no escaping. We can’t ask them to hang on a second while we run home to swap threads. All we can do is silently wish we weren’t wearing what we’re wearing, but pretend like it’s not bothering us in the least bit. Exuberate confidence in those soft pants and make it clear that your outfit doesn’t define your current state (even if it does).
9. Like You Haven’t Had Their Friend Request Chillin’ In Facebook Limbo For The Past Few Months.
If you’re not comfortable enough to approve, or cold-blooded enough to decline, pretending like you haven’t logged into Facebook since they applied for your social network acceptance is an effective method. Oh, you sent me a request? I haven’t been on that thing in months. Then head home and, in the most dimly lit room, scavenge their Facebook for any mentions of you or goodies left publicly visible… Then continue to leave their request in limbo so the ball remains somewhat in your court.
10. Like You Had No Idea They’d Be Here From Their Tweet This Morning And This Is A Complete Coincidence.
You know you only went to THAT Target because you had just read their Tweet, but they don’t, so take advantage of it. I mean, obviously you went out of your way because you wanted to see them, so milk it as a destiny, uncontrollable magnetized together, universe-wanted-this-to-happen type deal.
11. Completely Calm, Composed And Normal.
But seriously, who can pull this off?