I’m not sure if you knew, but I’m pretty much the best, most perfectest mom ever in the history of ever. I don’t need to tell you that’s sarcasm, right internet? Maybe? Eh. Is this satire now? I feel like I used to know what that was but I think I lost it somewhere along the way during my Wild Adventures in Blogging. People seem to have created this new, vague definition. Anyway, back to my perfection.
1. Language Police Mom
Firstly, that sounds like an awesome name for some sort of knockoff Barbie doll; you know the kind made of the same plastic they use for those KoolAid bottle-things that your cheap Aunt used to buy for you years after you’d stopped playing with dolls? Complete with police uniform, perfectly curled hair and a baby under each arm.
Secondly, I appreciate it when people curb their language for children. That’s real nice and respectful, otherwise known as common courtesy. And yeah, it kind of sucks when some asshole (heh… heheh, irony is fun) is cursing up a storm three feet from my perfect and innocent offspring, but hey, welcome to reality. A mystical place full of things that really suck; like people, for instance. As we step out into this land of people I can’t control with a withering ‘mom’ glare, I watch my daughter’s mounting confusion and horror. Those are bad words, she knows those are bad words because from time to time her mother says similar words and tells her those are bad words. I steel myself for life lesson time, usually by ordering more coffee.
Dearest child –I begin— cursing can be fun. It can be honed into a fine, enjoyable art. But, like many fun things in life, you typically have to be of an appropriate age to enjoy them. Now is not that age, nor will it ever be whilst you exist under my roof and I am legally responsible for your transgressions. If you happen to express such language in my supreme direction, I will personally ensure that I embarrass you in front of every boy (girl?) you like in the history of ever.
And lastly, it’s a mom’s job to protect their children, pretty much, but there exists this fine, judgy line between protection and total realistic disconnection. Remember I’m totally perfect, here, so yeah…
2. The ‘I Buy and Make Everything Organic,’ Mom
Kudos, thumbs up and a big smack on the ass for you, lady, I mean seriously, that stuff is expensive. But… could you maybe stop shoving it down my throat like that awful kale smoothie you’re forcing your sobbing child to choke down while I hand my daughter some frozen yogurt? She aced another spelling test, get off my case, bro. Also, it’s a Saturday morning and my will is weak.
I make my kid Kraft Mac ‘N Cheese with frozen chicken nuggets (I do heat them, by the way) sometimes, and I refuse to feel bad about it. I mean, its childhood we are talking about here, I only have so much time to nutritionally ruin her for life like my parents did. It’s the American way.
3. The ‘You’re Doing That, As In Everything, All Wrong,’ Mom.
I am all about the open mindedness and information sharing. No really, despite my hatred of kale, smoothie form or otherwise, I totally am. But… I just really have a hard time believing there could be another mom as perfect as me out there. Okay, in all seriousness, all the kid one-upping that goes on here kiiiinda makes me want to strangle you with your really cute diaper bag. Your kid is awesome I’m sure, but every time you have to explain how they are more awesome than every other belligerent two year old, you steadily ruin the chances anyone else is actually going to like your kid. Or you.
4. The ‘My Baby is 57 and a Half Months Old,’ Mom
Your kid is not 20 months old; your kid is over a year old, maybe even a year and a half old, but for the love of sweet, beautiful baby Jesus, after a year, months should no longer be used to reference the age of your child. That’s like forcing complete strangers to do math the very first time you meet them, and that’s grounds for irrational hatred. And I mean completely warranted, pure, unadulterated, but still irrational, hatred.
5. The ‘Center for Disease Control,’ Mom
I love hand sanitizer as much as the next working mother with no more sick leave, but I need you to stop forcing it on me every 5 seconds. Do you want me to drink it? Would that make you happy?! Dude, we used to hold each other’s hair in post-apocalyptic bar bathroom conditions, can we just calm down a teensy, teensy bit? Mini you just shoved three pennies and a nickel into her mouth while you were death staring me for licking Cheetos off my fingers, you’ve got bigger problems.
6. The ‘Always Super Chipper and Well Dressed,” Mom
I hate you.
No really, I just… hate you. I’m 100% sure you sold your soul to Satan, or maybe Martha Stewart. Nope, don’t even speak to me, I feel more disgusting and unworthy the closer you get. I’m not even sure these Yoga pants are clean, I may have worn them to the gym yesterday, who even knows anymore?
7. The ‘I Lost All My Baby Weight in 5 Hours,’ Mom
From time to time I enjoy playing this game with strangers at the gym where I say I’m trying to lose ‘baby’ weight. This is not exactly a lie. I merely see no reason to inform them my supposed ‘baby’ is almost nine years old (how many months is that?). Not relevant in the least.
Also— see #6 for further details.
8. The ‘I Only Care About Being A Mom,” Mom
Shhhhh, this is a safe place my parenting sister. No one here (okay, well, excluding the entire internet because that’s just what the internet does) is going to judge you for forcing your kid down for an early nap because you wanted to catch up on the last season of Game of Thrones prior to season four premiering. Or, you know, to prevent yourself from being tomorrow’s CNN headline, whichever. All your dreams, hobbies and general sense of self doesn’t have to leave your body at the same time your baby is expelled from your vagina, I mean they probably will, but you should at least fight the good fight. Is that what feminism is about? That’s becoming about as vague as satire.
9. The ‘We Don’t Use the Word ‘No’ In Our House,’ Mom
And this ‘only positive reinforcement’ thing you’ve got going on prepares your kid for reality… how, exactly? My favorite thing to say to my daughter is no. I even say it before she finishes asking for something. Usually because she asks me for everything she’s ever wanted in her entire life within the first ten minutes after I pick her up from school, but also because life is filed with a whole lot of ‘no.’ I’d rather she learned that early on, from me, than go skipping into the world expecting rainbows and unicorns only to belatedly discover soul crushing disappointment that is in no way positive, or glittery. Soul crushing.
10. The ‘I Write Internet Articles about Other Moms and Its Super Hypocritical,’ Mom
Oh, well hello there internet, fancy meeting you here.