I find myself thinking back to you, back to us, and the time we spent together. I think of how much you filled my life with laughter and happiness; how your attention was all I craved and you walking through my front door could change my day.
I think about the good times we shared because I’m really bad at letting go and I always overlook the bad to romanticize the good. I hang on to the good parts because I miss you terribly and that’s all my mind wants to remember.
The truth is, I’d still rather have you in my life than not. Part of me wishes you’d come back, that you’d make an attempt like I’ve made so many times but I know that won’t do any good. I know I can’t let you in and I know I need to stop hanging on to nothing. I need to stand up for myself because you no longer deserve my love. I know I don’t need anyone who doesn’t want to be there but that doesn’t stop me from missing you, that doesn’t stop me from wanting you here.
It’s so frustrating at times. Every time I think of you or someone brings you up I can’t help but feel broken inside because I don’t think you even cared when you decided to walk away. I don’t think it even fractured your heart while you completely broke mine.
For so long I spent all this time blaming myself for you walking away. I questioned myself, did I push too hard? was I too much? was I not enough? was I too clingy? But in reality, it wasn’t me. I’m done blaming myself for you leaving. I’m done thinking I was the problem because I wasn’t.
You were the problem and I couldn’t see it then.
I find myself wishing you were a better man, I wish I could find the man in the photos from a few years ago but he’s gone – if he was ever really there in the first place.
My biggest fault is that always I see the best in people; I think I can change them and save them, even when they don’t need to be saved. I think I can be the one to unlock their heart but I can’t – there’s nothing special about me.
But there are times I find myself wishing I could change you into the person I want you to be, the person I know you can be but you can’t change people.
You didn’t realize that though, you tried to change me. All those little digs didn’t go unnoticed, all those “jokes” hit me straight in the heart, all those comments were heard loud and clear, just like all those times you’d talk down to me. But I constantly kept overlooking them because I thought I mattered enough, I thought you’d stay, and you didn’t.
And the worst part of all of this is that I still miss you. I still wish your name was lighting up my phone, I still wish you were by my side, I still wish you were there when I needed someone to talk to but you’re not. I’m still working on letting you go like you let me go so long ago.
I wish I could tell you that opening your heart doesn’t make you weak, that showing some vulnerability is a strength, that you don’t have to be stone cold to the world all the time. I wish I could make you see the world through my eyes but I can’t. I can’t change you. I can’t make you love me. I can’t make you become a better man.
Not having you in my life sucks, a lot but I’m giving up on trying to be somewhere I’m not wanted. I’m giving up on trying to be enough for people who don’t want me because I’m already enough for myself. And most importantly, I’m giving up on us.
You made my world turn at one point but it’s still turning just fine without you now.
There are days like today where I find myself missing you more than normal, days I want to call you to hear your voice, days I just want to jump in your arms but I know those days are long gone. I know I need to move on with my life, and I’m trying. But sometimes I struggle with letting the memories of you go because I can’t help but wonder what things might be like if only you were a better man.