5 Things Men Are Not Allowed To Wear

With you on everything but cargo SHORTS.  I think those are fine.

“So many questions, so little shirt.” <- Perfect.

Also, short-sleeved button-downs are way too close to fast food uniforms for comfort.

“no one in cargo shorts has sex”

Translation: “I have never met a roadie”

it’s not 2002 anymore…

Psh, my husband would look flyyy in any one of these. Cargo short in a dark grey or olive wash totally work, the short sleeve button down in a funky plaid combo is super hot, and don’t even get me started on the sex appeal of a good deep V. I’ll give you tribal necklaces and running shoes though- that’s just got tool written all over it.

Yes a short-sleeve button down can be a crime (as are the other 4), but I can rock a linen, fitted, rolled up sleeves Uniqlo button down like no one’s business

Hawaiian shirts and gold chains. 

Whew! I’m in the clear. 

I think the context of the short sleeve shirt really matters. I’ve known a few men to be able to rock the button down plaid short sleeve in the heat of summer.

“Oh, and if you’ve ever worn a V-Neck T Shirt with a scarf, you are too much of a douchebag to live on this planet anymore.”

HOW DARE YOU!!!! You and I are done professionally, Fagan, blah blah blah, Christian Bale rant.  For chrissake, man, that’s amateur.

i am 100% against short sleeve button downs. i told my ex-bf this alll the time (he’s my ex-bf for a reason.)
dont forget a very important addition to this list: Jorts. as in jean shorts. as in Disney World tourists.

And no running shoes!  What about hipster sneakers, aaagggh?  Asics?  What about Kangaroos?  ‘Roos are the best sneakers ever — they’re SHOES WITH POCKETS MY GOD.  In conclusion, I can’t deal.

Well made loafers ARE NEVER more comfortable than running shoes. Check it out: can you run for long distances in well made loafers? No. Why? They are too uncomfortable. LOGIC.

Also, I totes get laid and I wear cargo shorts. (However, I do try to not wear them if I suspect sex may be lurking somewhere in my soon-enough-that-I-won’t-have-a-chance-to-change-my-shorts future)

Let’s get something straight… there’s a difference between wearing a Charlie Sheen 2.5 men esque oversized short sleeve button down and one that is more fitted. It’s nice to have them when it’s warm outside. I can agree with you on the other things, but you really exaggerate and misrepresent what a short sleeve button-down looks like.

“really, really into Papa Roach songs”

You totally know that guy, too.

I dunno about that one man…short sleeve button downs are generally considered to be very loose butt-hole.  Except for maybe if you’re in Miami…or are Jimmy Buffett.

Add to the list: Flip Flops. A man should not be wearing running shoes unless he is, RUNNING. And a man should not be wearing flip flops unless there is a pool or beach within 50 feet. There is nothing worse than going to a bar at night, seeing a well dressed dude, and then scanning down to find the hairy toes and strangely shaped feet in a pair of flip flops. Those are reserved for us girls, who spend time and money making sure our feet are presentable.

People who say “totes” don’t get laid. 

Thank god I’m an Italian salt and pepper man. Everything I do clothing wise is fully justified.

So true.

Started to think of a few other things (e.g. those weird leather sneaker/loafer hybrids) but then realized it could basically go on forever.

Nice work.

The beginning of this reminded me of a scene in PS I Love You when Denise checks out a guys ass, and then gets crap from another male.  “After centuries of men looking at my tits instead of my eyes and pinching my ass instead of shaking my hand, I now have the divine right to stare at a man’s backside with vulgar, cheap appreciation if I want to!”  :)
That being said, many of these are true for the general male population.  But there are a select few who can pull off any of these and look fantastic – in fact, the best of dressers probably wear these very things.  Like everything, it all depends on context. 

I guess you’re talking about short-sleeved dress shirts or those silly oversized ones that only mobsters wear to hide their beer belys. Those might be ugly. But a good, fitted, plaid short sleeved CASUAL shirt should never be dissed. If so, you’re just being stupid. 

Number one is my number one sartorial rule. I bought a short sleeve button-down at Express not long ago and I look stellar in it (sorry C-Fay), but other than that one instance, it’s still a general no in my book.

Saying “No guy should ever wear short-sleeve button-downs
because some guys wear gross ones” is like saying “No girl should ever wear shoes
because some girls wear Uggs”.

*Disagree*

HAHA awesome. #6 on the list: Shell-top Adidas. (Compliments of my friend Erin)

I’m pretty sure it is an international law that if you ever see a man wearing all of these things at the same time, you should punch him in the nuts for the sake of humanity.

“(he’s my ex-bf for a reason.)”

sounds like a good one

If I didn’t wear cargo shorts I wouldn’t have pockets large enough to store my fleshlight…

Sorry babe, I TOTES get laid.

By reading the title, I thought this article was going to be ridiculous and/or biased. But it was pretty much spot on. Especially “plush pockets filled with — what are they filled with? Spare change?
Extra wallets? Condoms? (Just kidding, no one in cargo shorts has sex.)”

Well, about short-sleeved button-down shirts I think it depends, there are many that are not cool, but I have like two shirts of that type and I like them, and I wear them, I think it depends more on how the shirt is in the person and the pattern, the size etc. I’m not Italian, but I’m European at least, if that counts…
Also, I actually don’t like cargo pants at all, they don’t look good in my opinion, but in shorts I don’t see any problem, I actually like them and they are very practical, especially when traveling in the summer, to keep the camera among other things…
Just my personal opinion, from a guy.

You obviously have never put your foot in a Johnston and Murphy Venetian loafer.  I used to secretly wish I could be a guy just so I could steal these from my boyfriend and feel like I, too, was walking on air.

We should all try to look more like cheap version of GQ models. We can’t shop at Burberry or Canali or Barney’s. So, we should try to get to Marshall’s or Banana Republic or Club Fucking Monaco to find cheaper substitute.

Because men who dress themselves like GQ drones are attractive! Yay!

what are you talking about? is this sarcasm? what is this?

uggs. men should not wear uggs

You are spot on with numbers 2 and 4…In my personal opinion cargo shorts should be banned…But with the other 3 points I highly disagree…You might need to do some homework…Don’t you live in Paris…? And is this a statement made about all males or just the average male? Because I see naivety in this entry about men’s fashion.

This article really couldn’t be more accurate.

That is what this article could have itself been called – “Don’t dress like it’s the early 2000s.” Decades fall in and out of popularity (’90s nostalgia is, I expect, the thing now) but will anyone ever be nostalgic for 2003?

Can wife beaters be added to this list? At least when worn in public?

A dress

Speedos…ugh!!!!

i agree – if the “running” shoes are not actually made for running, does that count??  there are some sweet pumas, roos, etc. out there that, IF KEPT IN NICE CONDITION, are not only acceptable, but pretty effin’ fly, in my opinion.

Men should NOT wear skinny jeans. Slim cut, yes. Straight cut, yes. Skinny? NO NO NO NO NO.

so, I can wear denim shorts again?

I would add 6: a black suit before dusk. makes you look like an upscale rent-a-cop at best and a jokel at a funeral at worst

Or Crocs.

Skinny jeans, for the love of everything holy stop wearing skinny jeans!

all men should adopt a personal uniform of the most high quality clothes they can afford and stick to it on most casual occasions 

humans shouldn’t wear crocs.

I agree with everything but number 1. Have you seen Coach Eric Taylor (Friday Night Lights for people who haven’t experienced heaven yet) in one of them shirts? In jeans with some scruff and his cowboy boots. GODDAMN that man makes short sleeve plaid button downs look masculine in all the right ways.

But alligator loafers are just fine.

I feel like #1 is more a complaint about the sizing that certain people choose than an actual article of clothing.  I see nothing wrong with a clean-cut 20-something year old guy wearing a nicely fitted short sleeved button up.  Sometimes it works out.  There are much bigger and more horrendous fish to fry in the male fashion world (I’m looking at you, frat bros who wear khaki pants and dark blue blazers to every event humanly possible)

Dear, person who wrote this

When you grow male genitalia then you can tell men what to wear. Until then stick to women.

I am a cubicle-bound programmer, and for some people that I’ve seen, #1 would be an improvement.  It beats a t-shirt with little holes in the armpit, or something with a food or paint stain.

Everyone said that no one would be nostalgic for the ’90s but here we are…

I like deep V’s if the guy has sweet chest tattoos, but to qualify for sweet chest tattoos he also has to have tattoos all over the rest of his body. If your only tattoo is on your chest… that is a problem.

Holy God Almighty you are a douche.

now it is gonna be cool to wear all of that stuff, with white rimmed  sunglasses of course!

Or in any situation other than a funeral..

As a guy, here are my thoughts.
puka shell necklaces, Fidel Castro hats, skinny jeans, etc.

Jorts however are always appropriate, must be self-made though

lol. jesus

…i love running shoes

I like cargo shorts on my guy.

Men tell women what to wear all the time as well…

If I am an in-shape man, am I allowed to wear a short sleeve button up that fits well? I promise it has no stains…

But there would be no hardcore [music] without cargo shorts!

But why and by who besides you and the author? You can’t just say they’re “loose butt-hole” without a good reason. Well, you can, it just doesn’t give you a strong argument.

TANK TOPS. IF YOU DO NOT FILL ONE OUT PROPERLY, PLEASE DON’T WEAR ONE.

Ugh! Agreed on the v-necks and tribal necklaces. Although, the v-necks are really only intolerable if the dude has too much chest hair.

What about the ever-present baseball cap? That should be banned as well. It’s not an excuse to NOT BRUSH YOUR HAIR, guys!!! 

So you enjoy having men tell you what to wear… I see how it is. ;)

So you enjoy having men tell you what to wear… I see how it is. ;)

So you enjoy having men tell you what to wear… I see how it is. ;)

for the record though, uggs were originally made for men. surfers in particular – to wear when they come out of the ocean. 

but as a fashion statement they are both sad and alarming. 

remember run-dmc? probably not because you’re a vapid 17 year old. shell toed addidas are cool as fuck and you don’t know shit. 

ugggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhggggggggh

I don’t take fashion advice from a woman who starts an article off by admitting that she herself needed advice from a popular women’s magazine in order not to look like a “marshmallow with a rubber band wrapped around it.” Differently things look good/bad on different people. Get over yourself.

Yes, you can Joe. This author is dumb.

I could not agree more, you sanity is intact dear author.

Alright so what should I be wearing then, Chelsea?

Hey thanks for making rules about what guys can wear. I’d do the same for women if it didn’t mean being berated by feminists and labelled a sexist. eQuAliTy YEAH

BRAVO.

everyone taking this so personally must have misplaced their sense of humor in their vast cargo short pockets.

But you didn’t, because you’re afraid of the criticism. Way to go man, I Liked your comment even though I didn’t.

I agree with you Chelsea on most of this, V-necks on men how i hate them

I really really really hate wifebeaters. Even the guys that have the body for them…look…trashy. It’s just super tough to pull off, and no one should attempt it. 

Also, these things. Unless you’re a cyclist, GTFO

Hahahaha “Just kidding, no one in cargo shorts has sex”

I didn’t read any of these comments – but all I know is that I AGREE HUGELY with every single one.

GENIUS. Someone has to tell them…

Actually New Balances are pretty stylish right now. J. Crew and Norse Projects both have collaboration shoes with New Balance. Don’t get it twisted!! 

If guys told girls what they should be wearing and if girls listen, then all girls should’ve been NAKED by now.

If you’re getting tired then stop telling each other what to wear.

It saddens me that you waste your good use of the english language on writing such a pointless article. I think the only person that really cares what you look like is you. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be wasting your time bashing other people for their fashion sense. People wear what they’re comfortable in, and you shouldn’t take issue with that. 

Sounds like a pretty vain women with impossible tastes. On one end she is complaining about men not trying to present themselves. On the other, she talks about another thing being too vain. 

Let one thing be clear, there are different groups of people. Different people wear different things, there is no set of rules that apply to everyone. 

I don’t understand the backlash in these comments- would you wear dress shoes to the gym? No. Then why wear your gym shoes with a dress pants and a button down shirt? I may disagree with the deep v but otherwise, this article was spot on. 

JORTS = BIG NO, NO! I think the fashion industry should be banned from making these, especially for men.

5 things I wanna tell this pompous female journalist: 1) pluck your head out of your own behind, we men dress for ourselves, not snotty, opinionated women journalists; 2) you’re an elitist snob with the worst kind of class bigotry; 3) if it were a man telling YOU how to dress for men, you would be crying sexism, so just quit your whining; 4) this kind of prescriptivism is so last century, so just wake-the-fudge-up and smell the coffee; 5) quit journalism, you are a talentless waste of space and time for killing the joy, fun and creativity of dressing up! Annoying much.

Who wears cargo shorts?

^this guy^

You know, it’s funny, because ever since I said that I have actually been a little nostalgic for 2003 – only it was PC gaming that was good then, not fashion (an interesting correlation there really).

Dress shoes would be terrible for your feet for running.

6. ‎Square-toed shoes that are twice as long as your feet. 
If you want to look like a clown, please run away and join the circus.
Sorry, what’s that? It’s impossible to run in them?
OK, please waddle off then.

7. Any pants whose waistline is below your bum crack.
No, I’m not interested in your brand of underwear.
Yes, your legs do look comically short.
Yes, it does look like you’ve pooped yourself.
And yes actually, while I’m not sure you’ve had a good look at it lately, the sight of your bum crack *is* putting me off my lunch.

you should have included affliction shirts. an abomination.

Men, relax… she was probably on her period when she wrote this.