19 Things To Do When You Stay Up Until 5 A.M.
1. See trailers for horror movies at every commercial break. They’ll make you paranoid and uncomfortable to the point that you might change the channel to cartoons, or something that takes you to a happy place.
2. Check the pantry and refrigerator more times in one night than you’ve called your parents in the past month.
3. Sign up for a free trial of something that you’ll forget to cancel, thus earning yourself a full-blown membership.
4. Ponder deep, yet pointless thoughts, e.g. Do the models in preplaced picture frame photos buy the frame and just keep it as is?
5. Freak out as a result of sleep deprivation. Embrace the slight hallucination that sets in, causing you to see silhouettes in your peripherals and sense a ghoulish, evil presence that leads to a stretch of paranoia.
6. Face the fact that some type of infomercial will make you go as far as physically picking up your debit card, fully prepared to purchase something, before wisely listening to the last bit of logical thinking that your exhausted brain has left.
7. Embed the same few, most recent Tweets and Facebook statuses in your brain because nobody else is awake and posting, yet you keep checking social networks out of habit.
8. Take an impromptu nap. Your eyelids grow heavy and force you into an unexpected sleep sesh. When you wake up you’ll feel confused and it’ll seem like you were out rather long, but it was only 10 minutes, tops.
9. Watch stuff with less than 3 stars on Netflix (which if you didn’t previously have, you just signed up for a free trial of).
10. Snack on things that the food pyramid suggests we only “USE SPARINGLY.”
11. Go on YouTube for one specific video that’ll inevitably lead to a binge session.
12. Accidentally wander to the creepy side of Youtube that makes you feel violated and disturbed by videos such as this one:
13. Witness absurd ads for sexual products. Cheesy condom (that actually sounds delicious) commercials are a common sight. Not to mention the numerous sales pitches for an array of performance enhancing pills, sensation-providing lubrications and other baby-making assisters.
14. Catch episodes of Three’s Company and genuinely miss the physical comedy and general brilliance displayed by John Ritter.
15. Drink soda or coffee having the intention of it providing you with energy and keeping you awake. In reality it’ll do nothing more than fill your bladder and force you to break the fizzy, java scented floodgates.
16. Expect a rise in the value of celebrity gossip news. Indulge in Kardashians, DUIs and regular human beings who just so happen to be in movies getting bombarded by questions and flash photography as they exit restaurants and coffee shops.
17. Motivate yourself to get some work done, then allow the mediocre television that airs on MTV2 (or some other guilty pleasure network) to get the best of your attention span.
18. Stumble upon your best ideas but allow them to go to waste because you’re too tired to elaborate on or write them down — even though you know you won’t ‘remember them tomorrow’.
19. Get borderline aroused by the thought of your soft, cushioned bed that you plan on resting your body on. Revel in the glorious thought of yourself wrapped tightly in a blanket, those heavy eyes rested, and your pillow prepared to be covered in a puddle of drool.
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