6 Things To Stop Doing If You Want To Find Love

Let’s talk about some habits and mindsets that are sabotaging you from getting the love you want.

The path to finding love is filled with misconceptions thanks to movies and mainstream media. All we get are false images of what love should look like and no one talks about what it takes to have a lasting relationship and the stumbling blocks that might get in your way.

No one talks about the important stuff, no one shines a mirror on us and tells us how we need to be, what we need to confront, and what it actually takes to be in a healthy, happy relationship.

So let’s look at six things you need to stop doing if you want that healthy relationship.

1. Stop being so needy

Neediness is a state of mind where you feel incomplete, or have an emotional void, and try to fill this empty space with a relationship or male validation.

Neediness usually stems from a lack of self-esteem or a sense of worth. You feel like something is missing within yourself or in your life and erroneously believe a relationship will be the cure. If you were unhappy before the relationship, you’ll be unhappy in it. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself about being single, work on your relationship with yourself. Work on feeling OK and happy with where you are right now.

2. Stop looking for love and learn to love yourself.

You have to love yourself first or you will never be able to accept that anyone else can love you

There’s that famous quote from Groucho Marks: “I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”

It’s funny and we all get the sentiment, but the sad thing is we do this in our love lives all the time! We think there must be something wrong with the guys who really want us and we pine for the ones who don’t care or seem uninterested.

If you don’t truly like and love yourself, you will never be able to accept that someone else can love you.

The number one way to attract love is to make yourself into a vessel that can receive it.

If you don’t value yourself, you will go for someone who doesn’t treat you well, and you will be OK with it because he’s just validating how you feel about yourself. And the subconscious mind is always looking to prove itself right.

In general, like attracts like.

If you are emotionally unavailable, you will attract a guy who is emotionally unavailable.  Now, you can want to be in a relationship and at the same time be unavailable in your own way. If you’re afraid of getting hurt or feel like the guys you want always leave you, then you might subconsciously be putting up walls to protect yourself.

Ask yourself: would I want to date me?

What are you bringing to the table? If you want an emotionally healthy, confident, stable guy, then you need to make sure you mirror those qualities at the same level. I mean, why would a guy like that want to be with someone who is an insecure emotional mess? If you want that kind of guy, you need to be that kind of girl.

3. Stop playing a role.

So many of us fall into this trap of trying to fit a mold or play a role in order to get the guy. Maybe it’s due to societal conditioning or maybe because deep down we don’t feel good enough. But you can’t form a genuine connection with someone if you’re pretending to be something you’re not or trying to fit a guy’s ideal vision of the kind of woman he wants.

I have a friend who is just so got it together on the outside- she is polished and poised and just seems so fine all the time. She went through a period where she would date one guy after the next and with each one the relationship just fizzled out. Why? Because there was no genuine connection. She portrayed herself as being so fine and having it all so together it was impenetrable and you just can’t connect this way.

Love is about being seen and known and vulnerable. This doesn’t need to happen right away and should be a gradual process. But you can’t really get to a deeper place unless you peel back some of those layers.

4. Stop playing the victim.

You are not single because there is some grand conspiracy to keep you this way. You are not the only one who dated a great guy who turned out to be a jerk, who feels that all the good guys are taken, who feels like they just aren’t good at dating apps and online dating and hence doomed to fail. It isn’t just you!

But it’s easier to place the blame elsewhere… anywhere that doesn’t fall on you.

There are going to be things in our lives that are out of our control and some of them can have a really strong impact on us but we have the choice of how we hold onto or let go of those things.

Take control of the narrative and re-frame the way you look at your circumstances. You get to choose who to be in the story of your life: are you the tragic victim or the triumphant heroine?

5. Stop idealizing your ex.

Most of us are unaware of all the ways our past can bleed into our present and future if left unchecked.

The reason it’s so hard to get over an ex is oftentimes due to the stories we tell ourselves about what happened and why. So if he left you for someone else, you may tell yourself it’s because you’re unworthy… that you weren’t good enough. If you fought constantly you might blame yourself and think it was all your fault and that you mess everything up. This faulty belief get wired in and then it becomes part of your story. You start to expect negative outcomes… and then you experience them.

If you’ve been hurt in the past, try to see if you can identify any old wounds you’re still carrying around with you. Think about how you interpreted the situation at the time and see if you can spot any faulty beliefs about yourself that may have developed. Then do whatever you need to in order to correct those. It isn’t always easy but it’s necessary for your healing.

6. Stop stressing.

I talk a lot about how stressing basically ruins everything, because it does and because this is something so many of us do.

You have to get your mind under control, you can’t let worried thoughts dominate you because they will ruin your life and block you from forming a genuine connection and finding happiness.

And when has stressing over something ever gotten you the thing?

It just uses up all your mental energy and depletes you and again, gets you nowhere!

Have faith that things will work out for you, maybe there aren’t working out in the exact way you want in the exact moment you want… but it will happen. It will be OK.

Pain can be familiar and so being hard on yourself is comforting in a way because that’s all you’ve known, it feels like returning home. But you have to fight against the tide so you can preprogram the way you see yourself and your life.

Sabrina Bendory is a writer and entrepreneur. She is the author of You’re Overthinking It, a definitive book on dating and self-love.

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