20 Ways To Be Popular At An Expensive Liberal Arts School

Jan. 9, 2011

By Ben Saucier info

Ben Saucier is a writer and chef living in Massachusetts.

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Djrobgordon
  1. Despite your Jewish upbringing, support Palestine at all cost. Disregard any and all other atrocities happening across the globe. Palestine is fresh and hip. Not only do you seem engaged and political, you get to rock a Keffiyeh.
  2. Smoke Parliaments.
  3. Under no circumstances support the school your parents are paying exorbitant amounts of money for you to attend. School spirit and pride is for squares and bros. Square bros.
  4. Complain frequently. The vaguer the criticism the better. Say that the problem with your school is “systemic” or “institutional.” Offer no suggestions or constructive criticism.
  5. Take over a building. Why not the library? All you need to do is show up and then refuse to leave. It is the most effective way of getting your point (perhaps justice in a far away land) across and in no way inconveniences other students. Make sure to bring your nalgene full of greentea and your macbook, because you may be there for hours!
    6. “It doesn’t matter if you’re from Long Island, New Jersey, or the Hamptons. At school you’re from the city.”
  6. Smoke weed and avoid homework.
  7. The more things you take offense to the better. Throw terms like sexist, racist, and homophobe at everyone/everything that has the audacity to disagree with you. The more you use these terms the more valid they become, so try to squeeze them in every other sentence.
  8. Attend class as little as possible. Don’t worry you probably don’t have grades and none of your classes actually count as credit.
  9. Frequently talk about transferring to NYU. The louder the better. Of course, this will never be a reality because your noncredits don’t transfer.
  10. It doesn’t matter if you’re from Long Island, New Jersey, or the Hamptons. At school you’re from “the city.”
  11. Take Adderall, Ritalin, Vivance, Dexedrine, etc for every task requiring the slightest bit of effort. Cleaning your room? Take some speed. One page response paper? SPEED.
    12. “Wear a bandana.”
  12. Smoke weed and take downers to relax from all the speed.
  13. Never do assigned reading. In the rare event you actually attend class, spend the whole time talking about completely irrelevant books/causes/ the dream you had last night. Anything that has nothing to do with the curriculum. The people in the class aren’t there to learn, they are there to listen to you.
  14. Take Philosophy courses. Nowadays, a philosophy degree is worth its weight in gold. When someone calls you out on the fact you never did the reading, respond cryptically with phrases like: “Well, your entire point hinges on the false assumption that a physical reality actually exists.”
  15. Wear a bandana.
  16. Remember those designer jeans you bought? Cut those bitches off.
  17. Remember those shirts you wore in 4th grade? They’re definitely cool again. People will find your Spongebob Squarepants shirt refreshing, ironic, and above all absolutely hilarious. Match it with a scarf and nonprescription glasses (the thicker the frame the more serious you are) because you’re not all fun and games. You’re an academic, a political activist, and a poet/author/musician/artist.
  18. Having fun at a party is for frat dudes and conformists. It’s best to stand outside in the freezing cold clutching a Pabst and smoking a cigarette. This equals instant respect. If you decide to ingest drugs, tell everyone about the drugs you are on as they will all certainly be impressed and fascinated.
  19. Use words like ‘solidarity’ and ‘governmentality.’ Learn to love Foucault and Derrida. While you’re at it, pick up an obscure instrument. Perhaps the kazoo or the banjo. Wake up your neighbors by practicing said instrument early and often. When neighbors accost you, hit them with some deconstructionism. They will be impressed.
  20. Get a tattoo. If anyone gets/understands/relates to the tattoo, you did it wrong.TC mark

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  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    this is nice

  • beachsloth

    That banjo bit hit too close to home.

  • london

    cut them bitches off and hit them with some deconstructionism

  • Eric

    pick up an obscure instrument… the banjo…

  • James

    'Palestine is fresh and hip.'

    Yeah… gross injustice happening since 1948 and all.

  • Ras

    Roommate: You woke me up again with your stupid banjo!
    You: I did it for deconstructive reasons.

  • Chris

    philosophy degrees are the bomb

  • YouMustBeZane

    A reference to pbr AND ironic t-shirts?!

    Man, you really know how to write a completely cliched “HiPSt3rzz Suk” -esque article.

  • elaine

    i do some of these things, i am a bad person

  • Gerry Rice

    you make thoughtcatalog less relevant by trying so hard to be apolitical.
    also, your writing reminds me a lot of my xanga ca. 2003

  • unicorn assusalt

    Xanga is so mainstream. I bet you are in a frat.

  • coco

    disgracefully true.

  • Bensaucier

    You make Jerry Rice, the greatest receiver of all time, less relevant by existing.

  • Bensaucier

    Seems ancient and biblical

  • http://exitclov.tumblr.com exitclov

    This also works at my public, “best value” college in the South–just subtract all the references to New England money, etc.

  • http://kathbarbadoro.tumblr.com elitism

    I think a lot of this is only true at the fancy liberal arts schools on the shittier end of the spectrum. Like Bard. People actually did their work at the expensive liberal arts school I went to.

  • Brandon Gorrell

    sweet

  • Natalie

    We did a lot of work at the expensive liberal arts school pictured atop this article. Most everything else, pretty true.

  • http://www.smokingonanemptystomach.blogspot.com Jordan

    sweet

  • Mcconnell Shannon

    #21. Argue with esteemed professors at every chance. Even though they've dedicated their lives to studying one book or decade, you, as a freshman, are sure to find fault in what they are teaching.

  • Teenagewebmail

    so true! this kid was the president of the gop sponsored official young republican's club at hampshire college. it was never quite clear if it was a joke or not.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/josh-mosh/28601084 josh mosh

    Ben,

    To be fair this is really just like 20 things that suck about hampshire and I don't think any of these things would exactly make you “popular.”

    And the kids at sarah lawrence weren't half as bad while I was there.

    Josh

  • saramcgrath

    idk tho…

  • http://kumquatparadise.tumblr.com aaron nicholas

    no but seriously

  • http://www.facebook.com/amandacmuller Amanda Muller

    I guess this is why I wasn't popular during my one year at Sarah Lawrence–The only one I got right was #20 (and that's just because it was a math-related tattoo).

  • Bensaucier

    gop sponsored? seriously?

  • http://youlookliketheyfucked.blogspot.com Jawn

    You know that expensive digital camera you just got last May at your high school graduation party? Give it to a homeless person. You use disposables now. They are the new Polaroid cameras. The actual new Polaroid cameras are pretenders to the throne.

  • http://twitter.com/KelleyHoffman Kelley Hoffman

    be aloof, say you're from california, never talk about your family. everyone will assume you're the child of any middle aged celebrity who shares your last name….

  • Bensaucier

    Very fair. I didn't include Sarah Lawrence, , etc in the URL. That was TC. But yea, this is based on Hampshire…

  • Anonymouse

    asdlfkjsdklfjs pain! Banjo has nothing to do with deconstruction! *Facepalm*

  • anon

    Aw, be nice. I know a lot of workaholics who go to Bard.

  • Bensaucier

    that'll do it

  • patrick

    I hope he keeps writing them until all the hipsters move back to Nebraska or get beaten to death.

  • Frank

    you do understand no one is FROM the Hamptons, right? okay, good.

  • Emilyjordana

    scary enough, people ARE from there. and they are terrible.
    the reason few know this is, for the most part, people actually FROM the hamptons are incapable of leaving.

  • Blaise Pascal

    This is utter shit. You've obviously got a case of hipster-envy. I recommend seeing an overpriced shrink and shopping exclusively at American Apparel and thrift stores. Suck a dick and leave us liberal arts kids the fuck out of it.

  • aniym

    wow, this is a terrible and extremely predictable list. some of these don't even make sense (speaking as someone who was a starkly conservative econ major at one of the top 10 lib arts schools)
    - PBR is over and NOBODY fucking smokes Parliaments; it reeks of poor breeding. don't forget that a ton of these “hipsters” are trust fund kids who could always afford davidoffs or if you have to slum it, marlboro lights.
    - re: Palestine. You're unlikely to find a lot of pro-Likud people on these campuses anyway, so supporting Palestine isn't really non-conformist. Tibet, Myanmar and South Sudan are where it's at. Bonus: nobody really gives enough of a shit about these places to argue with you if you cry about human rights abuses there.
    - at the higher-echelon schools, you WILL be torn a new one if you don't study and the professors of “lite” subjects like art and philosophy make their courses harder than it should be to weed out these future dropouts.
    -You missed a fairly major bullet point. People claiming to be from big cities are also ALL inexplicably DJs because they have a shitty Ableton set up and listen to a lot of electro and dubstep and talk about nothing but.

  • AML

    Sarah Lawrence grad here – this is all true. Palestine, idiotic glasses, and really tight tee shirts with old cartoons on them are still essential tools for status building first year (we don't say “freshman year” at SLC. It's sexist.) In complete fairness the majority of kids did a shit ton of work, but a significant number of the truly brilliant kids there were guilty of #1, 7, 11 and the latter half of 13.

  • Elspeth

    LOL Sarah Lawrence.

  • Kay

    HAHAHA this is great. I graduated from Skidmore recently (though I was always a bit of an outsider being one of four people from the midwest in the whole damn school), and even though I didn't partake in many of these activities (ok, I took a philosophy class, drank PBR from time to time, and maybe partook in a little of number 6), this was probably 95% of our population. We're even listed in “The Hipster Handbook” by Robert Lanham (if you enjoyed this list, read and laugh at that too)

  • Aforabsinthe

    Not sure this is specifically true for Amherst, we're kind of the antithesis to Hampshire. But if you replace all hipster references to bro references, then you'd have us nailed.

    Point(s) in case: No one drinks anything but Natty and Keystone, if you have a tattoo you're a freak, and if you're not taking math and science courses, then you're going nowhere in life and should be shunned. Frequent attendance of class is nevertheless frowned upon.

  • rilez

    Soooomebody related a little too much to this article, huh?

  • rilez

    Soooomebody related a little too much to this article, huh?

  • rilez

    A Philosophy degree says, “I smoke weed and it inhibits me of thinking about anything else.”

  • http://myspace.com/tinypupils kevin

    i venture to declare that the premise of this piece indicated in the title is flawed –
    none of these behaviours will actually make you popular.

  • SLC grey beard

    And yet, I recognize that picture of Westlands any where.

  • Miranda

    These articles make me eternally glad for the college I chose.

  • JT

    I am a dating coach, and work to help guys succeed with women.  I have done a lot of research on what it takes to be popular and have people like them.  From what I’ve concluded, compliments are a big factor in that equation.  I really like what you’ve posted on what seems to be just about the same exact subject.  I would love it if you checked out my post at http://www.online-dating-mastery.com/?p=1656 and gave me your feedback.  JT

  • Anonymous

    How bout pomona or vassar?

  • Gen

    good one sherlock.

  • E.S. Pearls

    Reed College.

  • Sarah

    I go to University of Richmond, a very expensive and small liberal arts school and none of these would make you popular

  • vc

    this IS vassar college. 

  • BobDolePatrol

    Good, Richmond is Redneck

  • BobDolePatrol

    Jay Cutler is a F*GG0T

  • Pottery

    Which probably suckx

  • guest

    except grades are real. too real. get on your fellow liberal arts college’s level, vc.

  • Alma

    i love how the add on this page is for american apparel hahahaha gotta love it… 

  • jdilla

    WESLEYAN.

  • Joseph Henry

    When are these kind of articles/blogs/etc not going to happen anymore? They, including one which is particularly poorly written, think they are doing service and critiquing or exposing class privilege/ hypocritical politics but in fact just remove the idea of any kind of political critique/opposition. “The more things you take offense to the better. Throw terms like sexist, racist, and homophobe at everyone/everything that has the audacity to disagree with you.” is particularly a good one, and in fact sexist, racist, and homophobic itself. 

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