I may be a surfer and a skateboarder, and you may be thinking, “Well, duh, Zaron of course you think we should date your friends.” But that’s not it. That’s not my angle. I’m not looking to help my friends get laid and partnered up. I’m looking out for you. I mean, I also have friends who are screenwriters and producers, and I would never tell you to date them. In fact, I would caution you against it. So, when I say you should date a surfer or skater, take that into consideration. I’m thinking about your end of the lollipop.
1. Skaters are easier to read than John Grisham novels
Skaters are super-easy to deal with because they want to do what they want to do. If you’re the type that likes to go out, find out when he or she is gonna go skate, and meet them there; or offer them a ride, or go with them. Afterwards maybe suggest a next thing to do and you can keep that ball of fun rolling. Or, if you’re the type that likes to chill, send ‘em off to go skate. When they return, they’ll be down to chill and cuddle, if you puff you two can get high and play a game of Little spoon, Big spoon. Basically, skaters know comfy better than anyone other than nineteenth century opium addicts. From the tops of our hoodies to the heels of our shoes we like to feel good. We get that feeling good is important. Many of us want others to feel good, too. That’s where you come in.
2. Life’s a beach when you date a surfer
Yes, they will take you to the beach. I know, duh. But you will also meet them at the beach. Or they’ll meet you at the beach. Look, the good news is you’ll go to the beach a lot. Like, a lot a lot. You’ll go to the beach more often than metal-detecting retirees. This is a good and fine thing. There are few better places to spend a day than at the beach. This is not cliché — this is scientific fact! Beaches are like geographical dessert.
3. Our scrapes, breaks and bruises bond us to you
You get to tend to our broken places. Sure, on the surface that’s not a great sales pitch. But just know that we will have many bruises. Thus, you have many opportunities to care for us. Seriously, that’s the good part. It’s backwards but true. It’s fucking rad when your partner needs you. Obviously, not when they’re needy. More like, when your skateboarder needs you to help change her bandages on her skinless knee-caps. Bloody as it is, that can make for some seriously intimate bonding.
4. The sound of the soul is a song
A skater will touch your soul with music. They just get it. They make the best mixtapes. They know all the best new bands. They will get up and go see live music … tonight! (A team of neuroscientists should study comparisons between musicians and skaters, the similarities seem obvious.) When you date a skater, they will introduce you to a ton of new music. They will take you to see new music. It may be noise music, or hardcore thrash, gypsy punk, retro boom-bap hip-hop, chillwave EDM, or just some down-home alt country — whatever it is — the music will likely be new and it will be good. Hell, a skater will even go with you to see whatever band you like to hear perform. That’s how much they love music. Sure, they may talk shit about the band on the way there, and on the way home, but they will go with you.
5. Practice makes perfect in the skate-park, in the barrel of a wave … or in the bedroom
Surfers and skaters both like to practice what matters to them. Some would say obsessively. But I’m not into name-calling. Let’s just say they do it until they’re really good at it. We will work on the same trick, the same air, the same micro-movements of musculature until we get it to go just right. This attention to detail can translate to great things in the bedroom. With a little instruction and some biofeedback, one can get really good at just about anything they set their mind to. Ahem.
6. DIY ‘til the day I die!
Skaters are generally-speaking outsiders. They’re not friends with the norms of behavior. This go-it-your-own-way ethos can ultimately be super-sexy. Am I lying? Whether we want to admit it or not, we all want what we can’t have. A skateboarder or surfer will likely make it clear that he or she will not be easily had, which also makes it a worthwhile challenge. They will stick to DIY until you convince them to do you, too.
7. You wanna learn to surf?
They may teach you to surf or skate, or snowboard or wakeboard. That is, if you ask. But most of us are willing to share the stoke of our favorite board sports. Skaters and surfers are notorious for being cool teachers. The same can not be said for golfers or tennis enthusiasts.
8. Would it kale you to have a green juice in the morning?
They often keep weird hours and maintain strange diets. Food truck burritos for breakfast can be rad. I’m not kidding! When you’re following a swell, getting up at 4am, to pack for dawn patrol a hundred miles away, and it’s just before your little road trip, chilling and eating spaghetti to start your day is just odd enough that it feels special. And so is the opposite. Eating breakfast for dinner and making swamp-water shakes out of every fruit and/or vegetable in the house is is a great way to live. No, really. It sounds silly as fuck, like a five-year old is your personal chef, but it’s surprising healthy to be that spontaneous and eat that many colors in your diet. You should try it.
9. Dogs and children like us … I trust their opinions
Dogs and kids, man. They see the truth. Cats don’t give a fuck, not even half of one. But dogs do. All they have is fucks to give and love to share. And kids, well they pay attention and are curious little monsters. They both like us because we also get that life is supposed to be about fun and love.You’ll find (almost) all kids and dogs like surfers and skaters on sight. (Well, other than guard dogs and Chihuahuas, but those little fuckers don’t like anyone.)
10. We look good in slo-mo … and sexy in close-up
Guy or girl, doesn’t matter, it’s sexy to see the person you desire move well, especially, on a skateboard or a surfboard. There is a grace and a dance to the movement of their hips and their back. Arms up, floating like wings, shoulders twisting, powering the body around like a screw tearing into wood, their range of motions, represents the paradox of human movement — elegant one minute, savage the next. Sometimes it helps to have a visual reminder of your partner’s paradoxical nature. And, c’mon, we all know they’re both sexy fucking sports. Watching them can be like foreplay. You can go to the beach, not get in the water and still get wet.
11. They smell good all the time … like, goddamn you smell good!
You may think – What? Hey, Burnett put down the bottle! But no, I won’t. Because think about it. They do what they love and they work up a sweat. Maybe you do it with them. You both work up a sweat. The point is that if it’s true love, they say you can smell it – that you’re partner smells good to you even when they smell bad. Dig it. So underneath the funk of their sweat is the sexy aroma of their biology. That’s what keeps you sprung on them like Kanye loves Kanye. Their sweat acts like a sexual mortar that bonds you two together. It’s love when you wanna lick ‘em when they’re dirty and nasty. That’s how you really know. It’s true love if erryday you want to smell their funk.
12. Simple is our way, joy is our goal: mix them together and you live damn well
Because one of the greatest joys in their life, one that they dedicate countless hours of their precious life to, is the simple sensation of movement, graceful coordinated movement with a degree of difficulty and a sense of flow, you might believe that surfers and skaters are simple folks. You would be right. At least, in that, we have a deep appreciation for the simple joys of life. This is a good habit for your partner to have. Lying together on soft summer grass staring up at a moon that’s flirting with the clouds high above is just the sort of simple joy a skater is likely to share with you. Y’know, if you’re into romance and that sort of stuff.
Obviously, I may be biased, but in this instance I’m thinking of you. So, go date a skateboarder or a surfer … if anything, at least you’ll go to the beach and learn about some new bands.